Frustrated. Despite the fact that I worked out pretty well last week, I did not eat that well. We ate out several times, and I did not chose wisely. Large portions, lots of stuff I didn't need. So, despite all the working out of last week, I lost nothing. My weight stayed mostly flat all week long, with a few peaks and no valleys. Last night we went out to a steak place that is well-known for their desserts, which is why we went there in the first place. So of course we both got dessert, and although I did not finish my dessert, I still cleaned my plate of everything else.

I'm watching reruns of The Biggest Loser wistfully, wishing I could be in that situation, where there are no bad snacks lying around, where there is a personal trainer there to kick my ass into moving faster, where there is $250,000 of motivation added to the motivation of looking and feeling better.

I really don't know what to do. I need to make a number of changes to what I'm doing. I really need to try and switch to more veggies and a lot less meat. I need to add some variety to my workouts. Instead of spending the whole cardio time on the elliptical or the treadmill, I need to spend equal time on the elliptical, the treadmill, and the stationary bike. I need to push myself harder and harder on the exercises that I have been doing for a long time.

I spent some time the other day looking up information about willpower (namely, how to get some). I got really mad reading one website that said it isn't really willpower that is anyone's problem, because despite how we feel, we all really do have willpower. Instead, the website suggested that people just need to find the one thing that motivates them more than anything else. Well, fabulous. So, instead of needing willpower, I need motivation. F&^% lot of good that does me. So, how do I get motivation? Since apparently the facts that I hate being fat, that I want to look better for my husband, and that I want to give myself a better chance of surviving some of the genetic health issues I may be facing are not enough to motivate me to lose weight. I'm even trying to bribe myself with shopping (I can't buy any new clothes until I lose at least ten more pounds, and I only have until school starts to do it). How do I do this?

My ultimate goal is 150 lbs. I am teetering at 180 right now (actually I was 183 this morning, but like I said, I ate way too much last night, and I was dressed when I weighed, so I suspect I'll be back at 180 tomorrow morning). If I could get that by the end of October, it would be two years since we started this little adventure.

I would really like to be 160 when school starts in mid-August, but that might be asking too much. I've got about 9 weeks (a little more until the first day of school, a little less until the first day the teachers have to report back for inservice). So that means I've got a little more than 20 lbs to lose. A very stubborn 20 lbs, from the look of things. I don't know that I can make it, but I'm still going to try. It's just frustrating.