I'm going to be stereotyping here, so just a warning. Don't want to get anyone's knickers in a twist.

Preface: Some of my favorite people are interested in the Japanese culture and language. Several have lived in Japan for a period of time. Several of them teach, either English to Japanese people or Japanese to American people. I do dearly love and respect these people that I know. Just wanted to get that out there.

That said, Americans who are deeply interested in Japanese culture tend to be...weird. Case in point: I have "adopted" the Japan Club at the high school where I teach, since the teacher I replaced is living in Japan for the year himself. They needed a sponsor, and I was the logical choice. I don't have to do anything for the club; they are basically using my room as their meeting ground twice each week, and if they need a teacher to sign for something, I'll do it. But two seniors are responsible for the running of the meetings and the preparation and delivery of all the material. And they are...weird. They come to my room wearing pink and black and ruffles and army boots and giant fuzzy hats on their heads, hats which resemble my old Cookie Monster stuffed animal (which is 35 years old and not in the best condition anymore, as their hats also seem to be). Their meetings, while informative, are also punctuated with discussion about anime, and how to cuss in Japanese, and anime, and their favorite comedy routines, and anime, and (today) whether they themselves, and their favorite anime characters, would survive a zombie apocalypse.

Really?

How much anime is there? And why does it all end up looking the same?

The rest of the club is as eccentric as their fearless leaders. They're all very nice; they're just...weird.

I don't know why I felt like mentioning this. Just did. Weird.

Winter is arriving. We had our first official snow flurries yesterday, although nothing stuck to the ground. And today was pretty chilly, maybe only up to about 40, with a lot of wind. It's funny, but I'm sort of looking forward to winter. Winters here aren't bad. Billings is in what the locals call the "Banana Belt", meaning our weather is surprisingly temperate for as far north as we are, and at 3000+ ft altitude to boot. Most of our winter days will be between 30-45 degrees. Oh, sure, we'll have enough 20 degree days to make it wintry, and we'll have a week or two of -0. But really it's not bad. Also, we don't have a lot of snow that hangs around. It'll snow, then melt, then snow, then melt, and over and over. In sheltered, shady areas, the snow might not ever melt off, but in most places it will. So it really shouldn't be too bad.

And of course we can go skiing and snowboarding. Gotta be careful that I don't hurt myself, of course. I really need new ski boots. After the pregnancy last year, my feet grew, and my boots no longer fit. Good excuse to buy new stuff, anyway!

Apparently I'm going to have to do something about my blog: recent changes to Blogger have affected the template I've been using. The picture I had as a background to the title of my blog has somehow disappeared. And sadly, I probably don't have the picture available anymore, so I guess I will have to find something else. Oh well.

I'm also needing to do something about myself. We're now into a new month, October, with all the assorted milestone imminently approaching. I will be 37 years old in a few weeks, and my son will turn 1 a few days later. And I am not appreciably lighter nor in any better shape than I was at this point last year, although I was pregnant at the time and am not now. I've basically wasted the whole year "recovering" from pregnancy, with nothing to show for it.

I need to start working out. I'm going to start small; this week I am going to walk or ride my bike to work (except Friday--I have an eye doctor's appointment after school). I'll try walking on Monday. The weather should still be nice (although probably cool in the morning), and I don't have any after-school obligations. Tuesday and Thursday I'll definitely ride my bike; I'm helping sponsor the newspaper, and we meet after school so I'll need to be able to get home more quickly. We'll see about Wednesday; if Monday goes well, maybe I'll walk again.

Let's see if I can get it started.

I continue to fail. We're four full weeks into the school year, and the best weigh-in I've had yet is 232. I have not ridden my bike or walked to school once, despite living less than a mile away. I don't feel like I'm eating that much (I generally have a Healthy Choice meal of 350 calories or less for lunch, and maybe an apple and a handful of nuts or a granola bar as a snack at work; I only have instant cappuccino for breakfast, and I have nothing too impressive or unusual for dinner). I guess I'm still taking in more calories than I should, but it doesn't seem like it. Guess I need to scale back.

And I am going to force myself, starting on Monday, to walk or ride my bike at least a few days a week. Some days I may have something after school (I work with the newspaper kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays), or I may have to run to the store or the ATM, and that tends to be why I have been driving. I need to get stuff like that done on weekends so I have my afternoons open.

Here goes nothing...well, I guess nothing is what I've already been doing, so hopefully here goes something...

I must admit to being somewhat disillusioned with my job right now. While I am really glad to be back in the classroom full time, I can't help but long for the "good old days" at my old school. I was pretty spoiled and sheltered by the all-female, generally upper-middle-class students and their higher achievement abilities. I just don't know that I'm cut out for public school. The kids are much less inclined to put much effort into anything; they'd rather do the minimum available. While my previous students clamored for extra credit assignments, these kids are hardly interested in completing the assignments they are required to do. I've got several students who occasionally miss class to meet with probation officers, I've got one who is a runaway and hasn't been to school since the fourth day of the school year, and I've got one who is in some program that entails his missing my class (I'm guessing it is drug or behavior-related, but I don't know for sure). I would have expected the counseling center to have given the teachers some kind of update or information on these students, so we are aware of any issues that might affect our classes, but we receive nothing. I'm just used to the higher level of communication I seemed to receive from the administration and counselors at my old school. While these kids are nice, I just don't feel like I'm forming the kind of bonds with them that I did with my former students.

I don't know; maybe I'm just being silly. Maybe this is what school is supposed to be like, and my old school was an anomaly. But it was an anomaly that made me comfortable. Maybe that comfort will come with time.

Or maybe I need a day off.

Quick post (since I'm at work)

Today's weigh-in: 234.0

That means I've lost three pounds since...was it Sunday? Or Monday? Don't remember. I could look, but I'm too lazy.

It's all because I can't snack as often at work. I don't have much food with me, basically one snack (nuts, an apple, a granola bar) and my lunch (an under-300-calorie Healthy Choice dry pasta/rice dealio) and that's it.

Still no exercise yet. Just haven't had a chance to get into the routine. I'm working my way towards getting up before 5--right now my alarm goes off at 5:10. But even getting up that early (I was getting up at 5:30) isn't getting me much of a headstart on my daily routine. I'm afraid it's going to end up being 4:30 in order to get a work out in. Urgh.

First day of school: a success.
Weight loss before school started: dismal failure.

Today's weigh-in: 237.0

Starting next week, I will try to work out at least three days a week, before school. I also intend to ride my bike or walk to work most days. Hopefully that will help. Also, once we get into the swing of things, I won't be able to snack much during the school day. Maybe that will improve things as well.

Fingers crossed.

Not much new to report. Still fat. Haven't been good at all about working out or eating better.

I'm looking forward to going back to work in a week. I can control my food intake much better when I'm not free to snack all day long. I really need to limit myself, though. To streamline things in the morning, I'm planning to just have a Carnation Instant Breakfast before I leave for work. Then I'll probably make myself a coffee at work (that instant cappuccino stuff that I'm sure is really horrible nutritionally, but it tastes super yummy), since the teacher I'm replacing is leaving his microwave. I'll probably take a morning and afternoon snack at first, but depending on what my class schedule is I might only have time for one or the other and not both. I'll probably just take a piece of fruit, granola bar, bag of nuts, and/or cheese stick. Then for lunch I'll either have soup or one of those Healthy Choice microwave meals. Something that I can prepare in my room and eat quickly, since I'll be working through lunch most likely. I think I'll try to assemble some casseroles and stuff ahead of time for dinners, or crock pot stuff (which will be great as it starts to get cold) so I have some time to hang out with the boy in the afternoons before my husband comes home.

Then there's my plan for exercise. My plan is to wake up early (5, probably), do our elliptical machine or a video for half an hour, then shower and get dressed. I'm going to have to get the boy up at about 6, get a bottle in him, get some cereal in him, and then get him to the sitter at 7. I need to check on my "travel time" to school. According to Google Maps, I should be able to ride my bike there in 3 minutes, or walk there in 14 minutes. I will test this next week. I'll have to drop off the boy, get back over to the house, get my bag and bike (or just get my bag) and head off. It's all downhill. If I cut over a street at a time, rather than just take my street straight down to the street the high school is on, that is; it'll take me longer to get home than it will to get there, but I should have no problem getting there in a reasonable amount of time. Walking would be better exercise, because if I ride my bike I won't have to put much effort into it on the way there, but I guess since I need to look sort of professional and put-together for work, maybe that's the way to go. It'll get me a bit windblown, but that's about the biggest downside. Of course, I'll have to lock my bike up. I don't know if I'm allowed to bring my bike inside; probably not. I'm ordering a bike cover from Amazon, and I have a lock. But it makes me nervous, riding my nice, $1800 mountain bike to school. Guess I might end up riding my crappy $300 mountain bike instead. Works fine. That way I won't feel as bad if someone tries to steal it. When the weather is less-than-perfect for biking, I can walk (like if there's a lot of ice on the road). And of course if it's really cold I can always drive the less-than-a-mile to work like a loser. :) But any of those should work since I have to be at school from 7:30-3:30, and the boy's day at the sitter runs from 7-4. Plenty of time.

So hopefully this will get my weight loss jump-started. Because nothing else has...

Having to dress up for anything, even this funeral I have to go to (student here in MT), is just a reminder of how $%^&@#$ fat I have gotten. I have NOTHING that fits. The clothes I do have are too tight, or too short, because of all my lumps and rolls.

Here's the thing: I've been fat before. But I always had a lot of muscle, even under the fat, so, while I was overweight, I actually wasn't as fat as I could have been. But now, about 10 lbs heavier than my heaviest pre-baby weight, I am MULTIPLE sizes bigger than I ever had been before. That's because I did not work out during my pregnancy, other than walking, and I have barely worked out after the pregnancy. So I'm only carrying 10 lbs more than I ever did before I got pregnant, but because it's a lot less muscle weight, it is fat, a lot of it, that's taking up a lot of space.

I am trying to get rid of this weight, but I'm finding it so hard. As I've said before, when I have the baby with me I have a hard time working out because I'm spending all my time with the baby, playing with him and feeding him and keeping him happy. And when I don't have the baby, I'm so overjoyed to have some time to myself that I just sit on the couch and relish the calm. I need to start taking the baby to the gym and putting him in childcare there while I work out. It just makes me feel guilty to have time to spend with him and instead put him in childcare.

I also have a hard time not overeating. I've always eaten a lot, since I was a kid. But with the lack of working out, and the lack (now) of breastfeeding, and the fact that I'm old and my metabolism seems to have shut down, even the 2000 calorie limit that is generally recommended for the average person would probably make me gain weight.

I need to seriously cut down on my eating, and seriously ramp up the working out.

I haven't done a weigh-in in a while. I keep forgetting, until after I'm dressed and have had breakfast. No point in weighing in then. So I'll really try to remember for tomorrow.

I've got 4 weeks until school starts. Still time to lose 10 lbs. That's what I'm going to try to do. And I still have my goal of losing as much weight as possible before my brother's wedding in May. But I really have to get on the ball.

It's frustrating that I haven't done better about working out. We've had a gym membership since...March? April? Somewhere around there. And I've gone maybe five times? And my husband hasn't gone at all. Not good.

It's also frustrating that everyone else seems to have so much more willpower than I do. Some of our friends back in Memphis have been working hard at getting in shape. They've started to do running races (which I don't really care about) and biking a lot. Even some of my recently-become-mother friends have already lost weight. I've only lost about 10 lbs from my heaviest pregnancy weight. Also not good.

So I need to get on it.

235.2

Man, I suck at this. I simply cannot motivate myself to work out. When the boy is at the sitter, I celebrate my "freedom" by relaxing at home and doing all the things I don't normally get to do, like waste the day on the computer. And when he's home with me, I spend the whole day entertaining him, and I don't have time to get in a workout. What I need to do is go to the gym, regardless of the day. When I have the boy, I can take him along and leave him in the childcare room. And when I don't have him, it isn't a problem. But I can't get my fat butt off the couch. Sadly, it was easier when we lived in the South--I got bored at home during the summer and so I could usually get myself to the gym, at least a few times each week, and during the school year I had to go past the gym anyway, so why not stop? At this rate, I'm doomed. *sigh*

Weigh-in: 233.6
Goal weight: 175 (or less)
Deadline: 19 May 2012

OK. Here's the deal. I am fat. I am in the worst shape I have ever been in. I cannot fit in my kayaks. This can't continue. So I have set my goal. I would like to lose approximately 60 lbs in the next ten or so months, to be below 175 lbs for my brother's wedding. That means losing about 1.5 lbs each week. I should be able to do that. Of course, I should have been able to do that before now.

It's pretty basic stuff: eat less, exercise more. The question is, can I do it? I've failed so many times before...

Today I realized that I have turned into both a fuddy-duddy and a hypocrite. I've been really disgusted lately with some of the music being played on the local radio stations. Songs like "Porn Star Dancing" by My Darkest Days:

Kelly won't kiss my friend, Cassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend, Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all?

Amanda won't leave me empty handed
Got her number from a bathroom stall
Brandy just got way too much baggage
And that shit just gets old

But I got a girl who can put on a show
The dollar decides how far you can go

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's pornstar dancin'

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage for this
Pornstar dancin'

Your body's lightin' up the room
I want a naughty girl like you
There's nothing hotter than a..

[Chad Kroeger:]
Stacy's gonna save herself for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

But I know a place where there's always a show
The dollar decides how far you can go

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's pornstar dancin'

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage for this
Pornstar dancin'

Your body's lightin' up the room
I want a naughty girl like you
Let's throw a party just for two
You know those normal girls won't do

[Ludacris]
They won't do
I need a girl thats kinda frisky
Drinking with the fellas
Takin shots and gettin tipsy
We always wanna party cause she sexy as hell
And if i ever get in trouble bailin me outta jail
Cause she a stone cold stunna hotta than the summer
When she step up into the club every man and woman want her
she make me wanna get a stripper pole up in my home
cause of the porn start dancin got me in the zone!

[guitar solo]

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's pornstar dancin'

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin right by the stage for this
Pornstar dancin'

Really nice for the family to hear while driving down the road, right? And then there's "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry:

Break me down, you got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting f*ckin' laid
You want me to stay, but I got to make my way

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Take it off, the paper is your game
You jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get you face to face

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Get the video
F*ck you so good
Get the video
F*ck you so good

Crazy bitch
Crazy bitch
Crazy...bitch

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back, come on

Baby girl
You want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way you f*ck me

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You keep me right on

You're crazy
But I like the way you f*ck me

Wow. Even with the radio edit, that's just beyond inappropriate for daytime radio, and pretty much for any radio at all. Pretty misogynistic, to say the least. But even the female singers are guilty, like the lead singer/songwriter for Halestorm:

You don't know that I know,
You watch me every night
And I just can't resist the urge
To stand here in the light
Your greedy eyes upon me
And then I come undone
And I could close the curtains
But this is too much fun

[Chorus]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's all give and take
Kinda life we make
When your line is crossed
I get off
I get off

So much left unspoken
Between the two of us
It's so much more exciting
To look when you can't touch
You could say I am different
And maybe I'm a freak
But I know how to twist ya
To bring you to your knees

[Chorus]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's all give and take
Kinda life we make
When your line is crossed
I get off
I get off

But you don't know
What you can't see
Is what I do for you
I do for me

[Bridge]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
Yeaaaaaaah...

[Chorus]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's all give and take
Kinda life we make
When your line is crossed
I get off
I get off

Yeaah .... I get off
Yeaah .... I get off
I get off!!

Great. Way to encourage the stalkers and voyeurs. There's another one I remember hearing on the same radio station that was something about drinking all day and partying all night, but I don't remember enough of the lyrics to figure out what song it is. Plus, I don't really care.

But it's really been bothering me to hear these songs on a radio station that I'm sure lots of teens and even pre-teens listen to. Certainly not good, wholesome fun.

That would be the "fuddy-duddy" talking. And the hypocrite. I mean, this is ME talking! Once upon a time I was a hard-drinking, hard-rocking, tattooed menace to good judgment. (Still have the tattoos.) I spent a good part of my undergraduate years being a poster child for what not to do. It amazes me to think of how much alcohol I actually consumed in college. Probably why I don't drink much any more now; what's left to drink?

Just today I was pleased because the radio station my husband listens to on his alarm clock (the same station guilty of playing that horrible tripe I mentioned earlier) played some of my favorite songs: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC (a tribute to the unholy lord of the underworld), "Cowboys from Hell" by Pantera (a band known for their profanity, violence, and general mayhem), and even "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam (about a kid who snaps and shoots himself in front of his classmates). I love party songs. I've seen Poison in concert ("Unskinny Bop" and "Talk Dirty to Me" certainly aren't family friendly songs). I regularly sing along with "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails (famous for the line "I want to f*ck you like an animal"). I have shelves and shelves of books, movies, and CDs that I will have to move so my son doesn't have access to them.

I don't really have any point to this, other than just being surprised at myself for my double standard. I'm not really sure why those songs bother me so much. I guess it's just that my music is so much better. :)

May 1--227.8. Ouch. Today (well, really tomorrow, I guess) begins 30 days of trying to get this back under control. Eating better, trying to get some exercise, hoping that I can get some of this weight off. Keep your fingers crossed...

Well, I've got some lights at the end of my tunnel. It's been a dark, cold, and pretty exhausting winter. But now that spring has arrived and the weather is improving (slowly), it's time to take stock of a few things.

1. Work.
Yes! I have a job, a temporary one, at least. I got hired to take the place of an English teacher at the nearby high school who is going on maternity leave. The job is supposed to start on April 11, although it could start earlier depending on if she delivers early. It's four classes of freshman English and one of junior composition, and it's a paperless classroom. The students use Google Docs to submit and revise assignments. It's not exactly what I did back in Memphis, but it's pretty close. I'm really excited about it. I am a little disappointed in one aspect, because it sounds like the high school ISN'T expecting to have any teachers leave at the end of this year. Originally, there were supposed to be at least four teachers retiring at the end of the year, because their contracts were supposed to be up at the end of this school year. But the teachers' union ended up rolling over their contract negotiations until next year, so the teachers who were retiring are apparently waiting until the end of the next school year instead of this one. I had hoped I would get one of their positions for this fall. So my status for this fall is still up in the air, but this temporary position will be a nice test run to see if I'm still up to the classroom, and if I can stand to be away from the boy all day.

2. Friends
Well, we still haven't become social butterflies or anything, but I did get invited to a Pampered Chef show at a neighbor's house a few weeks ago, so I had the opportunity to meet a few people. And getting into a school for a little while will give me the chance to get to know some of the teachers too. Plus, we're going on vacation next week to go see my husband's grandparents, his sister and her family, and some of our friends where we used to live. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone and showing off the boy.

3. Weight loss
Yeah, not so much. I'm at my heaviest (nonpregnancy) weight ever. Not good. I do hope that I can change that. We joined the local Y a few weeks ago, and I've managed to go a few times. Hopefully since our neighbor will be watching Brendan, I can zip over there after school to work out. Also, I'm hoping with the warmer weather we'll get out to walk, run, and ride with the boy a bit more. And at school I won't be able to snack all day long.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better about things. Hope that'll continue...

I've had an interesting insight into my character. I innocently posted a status on Facebook about writing a book. The status was meant to be funny ("I'm writing a book. So far I have all the page numbers done."), but instead I got a response from a Facebook friend, asking if I truly was writing a book, because he was as well. I had to admit that I was not, and mentioned that I had always wanted to write, but did not have the creativity to come up with anything interesting or original (case in point: the status that started all this actually came from a website listing one-liner jokes, not from my own brain; oh, the irony). He asked if I would be willing to critique his work, and said that he felt the most difficult thing about writing was the soul-baring that occurred, the fact that he had to reveal things about himself as he went. I somewhat jokingly said that perhaps that was why I was never successful as a writer. He then stunned me by replying, "Yes, I've noticed that about you." Just from statuses and comments I've made on Facebook, he has deduced that I am insecure and self-deprecating. And he's certainly not wrong. But it's pretty rattling to be told this by someone whom you've never met. Makes me wonder if I need to reevaluate my FB style. Not sure if I want to delve deeper than that.

I've definitely got a problem. How am I supposed to workout long enough to burn some calories if the baby demands my attention every few minutes? And how am I supposed to get in a good, effective workout at home? I sure wish the weather was warmer. If it were, I'd get a good jogging stroller and go spend some time outside walking around the neighborhood. I guess until the weather gets to that point (which will be, oh, May maybe) I'm stuck in the house, trying to figure this out. Meh.