Frustrated.

I need to vent a little, more for myself than for the benefit of interesting reading. I'm in my sixth month of my attempted weight loss, and the past six weeks or so have been a total stand-still. I need to organize my thoughts and make public what my problems are so that I can better deal with them.

Since about February or so I have seriously lost motivation as far as working out. Originally, in November and December, and even January, I was doing pretty well with my workouts. I was working out every morning, either swimming or cruising on the elliptical machine at the gym. Most days I also made time for a second workout, again either swimming, doing some other form of cardio, or lifting weights. But my schedule changed at the end of February. Instead of staying at work until the late afternoon and then heading to the pool to swim before practice (I was still in the midst of swim season at the time), my lacrosse practices were scheduled right after school, meaning I could go home in the evening. I used my downtime during swim season wisely, getting my grading done so I didn't have anything to take home with me. I felt less guilty then, and was able to fit my second workout in without any problems. But since my schedule changed, I lost the time right after school to grade (and I'm notoriously bad about using my free periods during school for constructive purposes), so I always have work to take home with me. That makes me feel guilty because I don't have the time to spend with my husband. So instead of heading to the gym after lacrosse practice, I'm tempted to skip the gym and head home so I can grade some papers before my husband arrives. The other afternoon problem is that my husband and I don't really LIKE working out, and we're kind of enablers for each other. If one of us calls the other one before we get to the gym, we can usually talk each other out of working out, and then we just go home (or worse, go out to eat).

This problem with my afternoon workouts has been compounded by a morning workout problem in the past few weeks. The time change killed me. Under the best of circumstances I was getting up at 4, walking the dog, and then going to the gym from 5-6 a.m. But since the time change, I haven't been to the gym ONCE in the mornings. Every time that alarm goes off, I just roll over, turn it off, and turn on my secondary alarm. I've been able to justify it: you know, the time change makes it feel like I'm getting up at 3, so I'll just give it a week and then I'll be used to it; I've had a really bad cold the past two weeks and I just can't shake it; I haven't been sleeping well because I'm fighting a pillow problem that gives me headaches, so when it goes away I'll go to the gym again. Needless to say, I've justified myself right into a serious workout drought.

The workout problems alone are enough to cause my plateau in weight loss. But my eating habits are a problem, too. Since we started this weight loss program, I've been bringing my food to school. I eat those Healthy Choice soups for lunch, and I keep 100 calorie snacks around, like those little gummy fruit snacks, or yogurt, or sugar-free pudding, or granola bars, or those mini microwave popcorn bags, or raisins, or applesauce; I was doing pretty well at consuming about 700 calories before dinner. So I could have another bowl of soup, or actually pick something up on the way to swim practice, and be around 1200 calories for the day, which was helping my weight loss. But recently, since I've started lacrosse, instead of eating something small and low calorie for dinner on my way to the gym, I've been going out for dinner (we like to cook, but we're super-lazy, and the restaurant cooks stuff for you, isn't that nice?) or cooking at home. And a big problem I have is PORTION CONTROL. I have a binge-eating personality (which has caused me problems in the past); I'm not good at self-control with food. If there is an open bag of Oreos, I won't just eat one or two; I'll eat nine or ten, and I could easily eat the whole bag if left to my own devices. At restaurants, I eat whatever I order. I don't bother to box it up and take it home, or just leave the leftovers on the plate; I'll eat everything I'm given. At home I have the same problem. We always make more food than we need to eat in one sitting, but instead of packing it up in tupperware and loading it in the refrigerator, my husband and I will split whatever it is into two portions, and he'll eat one and I'll eat the other. This means a bag of frozen ravioli that is supposed to serve six will only serve two. So the ravioli that seemed healthy enough at 270 calories per serving suddenly becomes terribly at 810 calories. And that doesn't count the jar of spaghetti sauce we poured over them.

And my eating at work has started to suffer too. Instead of controlling myself and eating my snacks about every two hours, I'm "binging" and eating several items at once. I'll have a granola bar, and suddenly I find myself reaching for a box of raisins, and then a little bag of fruit snacks. Instead of a 100 calorie snack, I've just consumed 245 calories. If I do that every time I snack, I end up consuming over 1000 calories at work, and then of course I do what I've been doing for dinner, which puts me above my recommended intake for the day. Combine that with the not working out, and you've got what made me a fat cow in the first place.

So I am needing to refocus and remotivate myself. I can do this! I need to start working out twice a day, regardless of what that does to my free time at home. I need to get caught up on my grading and stay that way, and use my planning periods at work better, so I don't need to bring stuff home with me to eat up what little time I've got left. I need to stop my destructive eating habits before they get out of control again.

But knowing that I need to do those things and actually DOING them is the real problem. And I guess that's where I need to start. What is it about my personality that is causing me to do these things? How can I change that? I will start small: today I will try to control my eating. It is 8:10, and I've had 200 calories (yogurt in the car at 6:45, a granola bar here at work at 7:15). I will schedule one more small snack at 8:50 (I'll eat right before my next class), and then nothing until lunch at 11:15. Then I will wait until 1:30 and have another small snack, one at the end of the day before my faculty meeting, and one on the way to the gym this afternoon (no lacrosse on Wednesdays because of faculty meetings). That will give me about 800 calories. I will work out this afternoon, and I will eat a Healthy Choice meal at home, plus perhaps a yogurt for dessert. That will put me at about 1200 calories for the day, which is what is recommended for me in order to lose weight.

As for working out, I will hit the gym this afternoon. Tomorrow I have a half-day at school (gotta love working at a Catholic school during Holy Week!) so I can spend all afternoon at the gym if I want. Friday we have no school at all, so I can make several trips to the gym. When we go visit family for the Easter weekend, I need to make sure I take running clothes with me, since I won't have a gym available. I'll need to be extra careful about food, since we'll have Easter candy around, and my sister-in-law will be making garlic mashed potatoes just for me. Get thee behind me, Satan! But I can do this. I have to.