Having to dress up for anything, even this funeral I have to go to (student here in MT), is just a reminder of how $%^&@#$ fat I have gotten. I have NOTHING that fits. The clothes I do have are too tight, or too short, because of all my lumps and rolls.

Here's the thing: I've been fat before. But I always had a lot of muscle, even under the fat, so, while I was overweight, I actually wasn't as fat as I could have been. But now, about 10 lbs heavier than my heaviest pre-baby weight, I am MULTIPLE sizes bigger than I ever had been before. That's because I did not work out during my pregnancy, other than walking, and I have barely worked out after the pregnancy. So I'm only carrying 10 lbs more than I ever did before I got pregnant, but because it's a lot less muscle weight, it is fat, a lot of it, that's taking up a lot of space.

I am trying to get rid of this weight, but I'm finding it so hard. As I've said before, when I have the baby with me I have a hard time working out because I'm spending all my time with the baby, playing with him and feeding him and keeping him happy. And when I don't have the baby, I'm so overjoyed to have some time to myself that I just sit on the couch and relish the calm. I need to start taking the baby to the gym and putting him in childcare there while I work out. It just makes me feel guilty to have time to spend with him and instead put him in childcare.

I also have a hard time not overeating. I've always eaten a lot, since I was a kid. But with the lack of working out, and the lack (now) of breastfeeding, and the fact that I'm old and my metabolism seems to have shut down, even the 2000 calorie limit that is generally recommended for the average person would probably make me gain weight.

I need to seriously cut down on my eating, and seriously ramp up the working out.

I haven't done a weigh-in in a while. I keep forgetting, until after I'm dressed and have had breakfast. No point in weighing in then. So I'll really try to remember for tomorrow.

I've got 4 weeks until school starts. Still time to lose 10 lbs. That's what I'm going to try to do. And I still have my goal of losing as much weight as possible before my brother's wedding in May. But I really have to get on the ball.

It's frustrating that I haven't done better about working out. We've had a gym membership since...March? April? Somewhere around there. And I've gone maybe five times? And my husband hasn't gone at all. Not good.

It's also frustrating that everyone else seems to have so much more willpower than I do. Some of our friends back in Memphis have been working hard at getting in shape. They've started to do running races (which I don't really care about) and biking a lot. Even some of my recently-become-mother friends have already lost weight. I've only lost about 10 lbs from my heaviest pregnancy weight. Also not good.

So I need to get on it.

235.2

Man, I suck at this. I simply cannot motivate myself to work out. When the boy is at the sitter, I celebrate my "freedom" by relaxing at home and doing all the things I don't normally get to do, like waste the day on the computer. And when he's home with me, I spend the whole day entertaining him, and I don't have time to get in a workout. What I need to do is go to the gym, regardless of the day. When I have the boy, I can take him along and leave him in the childcare room. And when I don't have him, it isn't a problem. But I can't get my fat butt off the couch. Sadly, it was easier when we lived in the South--I got bored at home during the summer and so I could usually get myself to the gym, at least a few times each week, and during the school year I had to go past the gym anyway, so why not stop? At this rate, I'm doomed. *sigh*