I didn't mention in my last post that we had just arrived home from a kayaking trip. If you read the previous post, you know I have been struggling with a crisis of confidence of late. This kayaking trip was an attempt to regain some of the joy and ease I used to feel on the river.

We went for a three-day weekend to the Nantahala River in North Carolina. The Nanty is a mostly class II river, meaning it's not really a river for true beginners but it isn't particularly difficult either. We spent two days on the river, and the trip was...good. I didn't leap for joy after I got off the river and shout, "I'M BACK!" but I had fun, which I haven't really had for the past few trips. The first day I was particularly tentative, pretty much just floating the river with a few minor course corrections. I felt uncomfortable in my boat and had to get out a few times to stretch. Part of it was certainly the weight issues I've been struggling with--I'm about ten pounds above the recommended upper range for the boat I've been using. But I'm sure a lot of it was simply tenseness on my part. I did loosen up throughout the day, enough to be willing to run the class III "Nantahala Falls" rapid at the end of the river. It wasn't the best run I've ever made, and I flipped at the bottom of the rapid. My husband afterwards admitted that he firmly believed I needed to flip (and of course hit my roll). Well, he got his wish. However, it wasn't the instinctive roll that I've had in the past. When a kayaker is completely comfortable and confident, he or she won't really even think about the steps it takes to roll a kayak back over again; the muscles simply take over. My roll obviously had lost this muscle memory, so I had to think about it. I set up the first time and felt the water pull at my paddle as if it were trying to pull it from my hands. I tucked my paddle back against the boat for a few seconds before I set up again. Then I counted to three, sort of psyching myself up (or out) for the actual attempt. But this time, unlike the last few times I've flipped over, the roll attempt worked, just like it should have. I was somewhat surprised, honestly.

Anyway, I made it back up. That right there was an improvement. As I said before, I didn't exactly clap my hands together and say, "Well, I guess I'm back to normal." The next day we put on the river with another paddler from the Memphis area, a guy who's a little newer to the sport. He's got a great roll (I envy it), but he'd never done the Nantahala before. I was slightly more adventurous on day 2, hitting more eddies and trying more moves that the day before, but I still didn't venture particularly close to the edge of my comfort zone. Again, when we got to the Falls at the end, I felt at least confident enough to run it. This time, I ran it upright. Still not the prettiest run I've made, but better than the last time. This second run made me feel better about my ability to run a rapid, the previous run when I flipped made me feel a little better about my ability to roll, and those are the two things I've been struggling with.

So, after two days on the river, I can say that, well, I'm still not close to 100%, but I do feel better. Of course, now we aren't going to have a chance to get to any river again for a few weeks. The next few weekends we'll either be out of town on family trips or I'll be working hard grading papers and preparing for the end of the school year. Hopefully the confidence I've gained will not ebb before I can get back in my boat, and hopefully I can drop a few pounds before that time arrives.