Isn't it the truth? The gym should be the place you go for health benefits, to lose weight, strengthen your muscles, and ultimately feel good about yourself. But instead, the clothing expected to be worn by those utilizing the gym can totally destroy your self-esteem.

Who invented spandex, anyway? I know it's useful and important (my swim team would have a lot of trouble with suits were it not for spandex), but has there ever been a material less forgiving? The only people who can wear it with ease are those who don't need it anymore because they're at their physical peak. Those of us for whom the tighter performance fabrics would be most beneficial are the ones who will not wear them because of the exposed lumps, rolls, and folds.

I get lots of catalogs, such as Athleta and Title Nine, that sell active-lifestyle clothing designed specifically for women. For cute little skinny women who spend a lot of time surfing, rock climbing, and doing yoga, apparently. I am not cute, little, or skinny, and I do not have any extra time for surfing (other than the net), I am afraid of heights, and I have the flexibility of a nun teaching in a Catholic school.

The only great thing I've ever gotten out of these catalogs was my sports bra. Now, this isn't one of those cute little stretchy jersey jobs that is colorful and fun, and designed to be worn in full view of everyone at the gym. Oh no. The style I wear was featured on Oprah and is designed for "larger" women who "don't want to bounce at all. Ever." It is purely unattractive, with about seventy-five cast-iron hooks in the front holding everything in. It has big thick straps and some extra support stitching in the back that would impress the designers of suspension bridges. It is thoroughly unappealing in every way. But it does work, by golly. There is no bouncing. Not ever.

Some day I would like to graduate from that bra to a cute little spandex top and some of those little boy-shorts. But, at the rate I've been making it to the gym, it'll probably be a long, long time before that happens. I need to just be happy that someone finally made a sports bra for those of us who cannot wear the cute workout clothes. If you ever go to my gym, you'll know me right away. I'm in big baggy clothes, with some nice new (expensive--my God, why do good athletic shoes cost so much? I had to replace my old shoes yesterday with ones that will keep me from pronating my ankles and help improve my plantar fasciitis, but dang, they were $135! Augh!) shoes, and I will have no visible rolls or folds, and I will not "bounce", ever.