Through one of those weird "one thought leads to another which leads to another" days, it occurred to me that it has to be around the anniversary of the death of my bunster. He died about this time, middle of August, 2003, at the bunny-elderly age of seven and a half.

I got Bump, as he came to be called, when he was about two months old and I was about to begin my first year of grad school in 1996. I had spoken to the two girls who were to be my roommates, and we all decided we wanted a pet. However, our landlord did not allow dogs and cats. Since a rather large loophole existed (he only mentioned dogs and cats, no other animals), we wanted something that had some personality and would interact with us. My brother mentioned that he knew someone (who knew someone) who raised rabbits. "What the heck," I thought. So I went and picked him out of the crowd of other bunnies.

I wanted to name him Archimedes, and maybe call him Archie for short, but the first night I had him his true name appeared. The people who had bred him had kept the rabbits in wire hutches. I had put him in a glass aquarium with an open screen top. He looked through the glass and in his little bunny mind he thought, "I can see through it...I can GO through it." And bump bump bump on the glass all night long. And so he was Bump.

He was not the brightest animal in the world, although he was terribly handsome. A "broken chinchilla" Holland lop, he had a beautiful pattern of dark silver fur kind of like an inkblot. He had bright eyes, big fuzzy feet, a little tail-tuft on his butt, and long ears that he could at best hold straight out to the sides when he was very interested in something. He went everywhere at full-tilt, bouncing off furniture, smashing into door frames, and crashing headlong into the wall one day when he couldn't make the turn fast enough. He knocked himself unconscious, broke his top front teeth off (beginning a life-long necessity of clipping the teeth with wire cutters because they didn't wear themselves down on the lower teeth after that), and precipitated the vet to suggest that we make him a little bunny crash helmet with holes for his ears. We didn't, and he never crashed into the wall again, but he didn't slow down all that much.

Bump was very lovable, at least to me. He would play with my roommates (he loved fetch, and if you gave him car keys he'd throw them up in the air for hours--and then they'd land on his head), but when I'd call him he'd come barrelling down the hall to me. I'd pucker up and make smooching noises, and he'd climb into my lap and squint his eyes and put his nose up to receive bunny kisses. He loved to have his nose rubbed, between his eyes. He'd flop on the ground, close his eyes, and go into a state of bunny nirvana until you stopped rubbing, and then he'd look at you like, "Are you kidding? You aren't done yet."

He was mostly potty trained, doing most of his liquid business (he'd forget occasionally) in a litter box. He also slept in it sometimes. Eew, I know. He got better about leaving his pellets in the box, but I'd find them in various locations in the house on a somewhat regular basis, so he never really got the hang of it. He'd walk on a leash, sort of, although he only wanted to go as far as a tasty patch of grass in the yard. He did get destructive when he was ignored--he'd get a hold of a book and tear pages out, or he'd scratch at the carpet. When we moved out at the end of the school year, I had to roll pieces of duct tape and place them over the backing of the carpet that was left on the floor, and then I took all the pieces of yarn that had been scratched off the carpet and put them rather painstakingly back in place. I don't know if the landlord ever realized that the carpet was damaged, but we did get our security deposit back, so maybe he never noticed.

My inlaws had a collie who loved Bump. Rex would race up to me as soon as I got to their house and sniff the rabbit through his travel cage. I'd set the cage down and open it, and Rex would shove his head in and sniff nose to nose with Bump. When Bump hopped out onto the floor, Rex would follow him and nudge him whenever he stopped hopping. I assume he must have been trying to herd him somewhere.

He learned to beg for treats. His favorite treats were M&Ms. I'd break them in half and give him a few pieces (I know, some of you are freaking out because chocolate is bad for animals, but rabbits can tolerate it much better than dogs or cats because rabbits are related to rodents). He'd sit up and wait for the pieces, and make this funny noise.

Probably my favorite thing about Bump was the noise he'd make. I always thought that rabbits were silent, but Bump would make this weird noise when he was really excited about something, sort of a "voot". The best description I can give is, put your bottom lip and top teeth together and make a long "v" sound, and put a "t" on the end without actually taking your teeth off your lip. He'd do it repeatedly: "Voot voot voot voot voot" as he bounded around the room and played. I have no idea what it meant, and he did it less and less as he got older, but it was a very unique sound and pretty funny to hear.

When Bump got older, he slowed down. He played less, he ran around less, and he spent more and more time lying around and sleeping. Finally, he stopped eating. I knew the end was near. The morning he died he was still alive when I left to go to work, but he wouldn't move from his little bed. I petted him and spent about half an hour talking to him. When I had to leave, I told him that if it was time for him to go, he needed to go and I loved him. My husband left an hour or so later, and he said he was unresponsive but still breathing. I knew by the time I got home that afternoon he'd be gone. And he was. So I called the vet's office and asked if I could take his body to them for them to take care of. I wrapped him in a t-shirt, placed him in a box, and drove him the three blocks to the office.

The interesting thing was, my dog didn't trust me for a few days after this. He was home with Bump all day, and I know he was aware that Bump had died. But he also knew that the bunny LEFT THE HOUSE with me, but I came back and HE DIDN'T. The dog didn't want me to take him for a walk for several days. I think he thought I'd take him and leave him wherever I took the rabbit.

Anyway, all of these memories were triggered by one of those random thought connections. Someone was typing about Monty Python's Holy Grail, and mentioned Zoot (bad, evil, wicked, naughty Zoot), which made me think "voot" which made me think of the bunny and made me realize it's been almost exactly four years since he died.

I miss him. He was sweet, friendly (although jealous of my husband), and cuddly. He made a great Easter bunny (he loved to get into the baskets and make a mess). And he looked like a furry little airplane with his ears sticking out to the sides.

Meh. Didn't make it to the gym this a.m. I didn't go to sleep as early as I wanted, and then I slept poorly, so I reset the alarm at about 3:30 and slept 'til 5:30. Didn't do that well at keeping the food to a minimum today either, as it was a coworker's birthday. A little party at lunch with a little cake and a little punch and, well, you can guess what the problem was. I didn't adjust the rest of my eating for the day, which I should have done.

It seems like my life is starting to revolve around 100-calorie packs of things, and generally prepackaged meals. I have 100-calorie packs of Cheese Nips, Oreo Crisps, Doritos, even Hostess Snack Cakes (man, those are so disappointing compared to a nice full-size package of cupcakes). I've got Healthy Choice meals (usually under 300 calories) for lunches. For dinner we've been using those Bertolli bagged skillet meals (serves two, ready in ten minutes). It's all great, but I'm wondering if I'll ever develop the ability to cook and eat an appropriately-sized meal. How do you cook for two and not scarf down any leftovers? It makes me question the long-term success of anyone on a prepackaged meal system, like Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem.

I did make it to the gym after school, although it wasn't the most impressive workout I've had. I made 15 minutes on the elliptical machine (I will credit myself that I set it on a higher resistance than usual) and just pooped out. I switched to the treadmill (feeling a little dizzy for the first minute or so) and went for another 30 minutes.

So, not the best start back on the road to thinness, but it is a start nonetheless.

Ooookay, it's been a little while since my last post. Very little has changed. Due to a variety of circumstances, I have not made it to the gym regularly as I had planned, I have not done much in the way of monitoring my food intake, and basically everything is exactly as it was two weeks ago. My weight is still at about 184. However, I have hope that things will start to improve. School has started, so I've got a routine now, and I can control the amount of food that goes to school with me, so I should be able to limit my intake. We're working on a little vehicular problem that has caused my husband and me to share a vehicle for the last week or so, and if we can get that straightened out today I should be able to start back to the gym in the morning tomorrow. I have hope.

Life has sort of stagnated, as my husband put it. We got a glimpse of a place we would love to live, Boise, ID. I know, you're thinking, "Idaho? What the $&%^ is in Idaho?" Well, other than potatoes (my second favorite food group), there's a surprising amount of stuff in Idaho. We went to get a glimpse of Boise State, where my brother-in-law is considering going for grad school. Boise State was OK, somewhat unremarkable to someone who has been surrounded by SEC campuses for the past nine years but overall not bad. But the town was incredible. The actual city of Boise has around 200,000 residents, and the surrounding area (Nampa, Meridian, Eagle, and some other small towns) create a metro area of about 600,000 total. So it's not small, but it has a nice small-town feel. Boise is known as the City of Trees, and the city is very green and verdant, especially if you consider that the surrounding land is brown and scrubby. It's a very earthy town, with lots of people riding bikes, skating, or running everywhere. All the streets have bike paths, there are bike racks at every corner and outside every shop, and there is a greenbelt system of city parks numbering around 50. The Boise River runs straight through town, and there are paved pathways running alongside the river for about 25 miles on either side. Everywhere we went there were people outside enjoying the day. But as green and granola as it was, it didn't have that aggressive "we're so green and liberal" feeling, the feeling that places like Boulder, CO and Eugene, OR have. Idaho seems to have a pleasant mix of environmentalists and red state Republicans. We were very impressed. But of course, now that we've gotten that glimpse of Boise, we're stuck in the South. A possible promotion has popped up for my husband at work, and if it ends up happening it will trap us here for a few years more. And the whole thing has just made us dissatisfied with living here in general. It was a bit of a tease.

Anyway, that's just a little of life right now. I'll let you know if I'm able to get back on track tomorrow.

Well, crap.

Here I am, less than two weeks away from the beginning of the new school year, and I have nothing to report.

I'm at pretty much the same place I was at the end of the school year, hovering at 180 lbs. Did I spend the summer at the gym like I said I would? Nope. Did I carefully monitor my food intake? Not really. Did I increase the difficulty or length of my workouts? No. So, why am I disappointed that I haven't lost any weight the past two months?

The summer has pretty much been a waste in other ways. I had planned on spending a couple hours a week playing the guitar, which I haven't played in several years. You guessed it--never happened. I was going to spend a little time each day carefully planning out my curriculum for the school year, since I was making changes in both the content and my scoring methods. Of course not. I was going to pick a different room in the house each week and thoroughly clean and reorganize. Did I actually do it? Well, that's the only thing I did this summer, and even then it was pretty half-assed. I started out strong, busting out a cleaning and reorganization of the bathroom in just one day. Then it was several weeks before I got around to the next room, the utility/laundry room. Took a couple days to do that one. And then there was a lot of sitting around, doing nothing all day long, until I had to spend two frantic days (with my husband's help) cleaning the rest of the house so it wouldn't look like a total disaster when my company came to visit. So, the house got cleaned and somewhat reorganized, but not to the level I had originally intended.

And now it's all over. We'll be out of town for the weekend, and then I've only got a day before I have to report to school for a week of inservice. So my summer vacation is over. I have nothing really to show for it.

I'm very tired and frustrated. If I come up with these plans and can't follow through with them, what's the point of coming up with the plans in the first place? I know that "no one can do it for me" and I have to take the initiative, but I've tried all this time and can't make myself do what needs to be done. So, is there any hope?

I need to go back to the beginning. I need to make some changes. First, I need to go back to morning workouts on a regular basis. I've gradually drifted away from hitting the gym in the morning, and that can't be the case. So, that's the first change. Next, I need to go back to a full hour of cardio. I've eased up on myself and often only do 30 or 45 minutes of cardio. I also need to increase the difficulty of my cardio. They say (whoever "they" are) that your body gets used to doing the same thing over and over again, so the 30-45 minutes of cardio at the same resistance level and the same pace has gradually gotten less and less effective. I also need to go back to including weight lifting on a regular basis. To increase the amount of calories burned, I need to increase the mass of muscle available to burn those calories. And lastly, I need to rigorously follow some kind of eating plan. It's too easy to destroy whatever progress I've made by overeating. I've always eaten a large amount of food at a sitting, and that hasn't really changed, even as we've made some progress over the past few years with the exercising. I need to train myself to eat less.

It's all well and good for me to say all these things that I need to do. It's another thing entirely for me to actually do all of this. I haven't managed to accomplish anything yet. I simply don't know if I'll be able to do this or not.

Wow. Just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and to answer one of your questions, yes, I'm a fast reader. We got the books (multiple, yes, because both my husband and I read them, and we didn't want to fight over the copy of the book) this morning at about 9:30 a.m., and here it is just before 4:00 p.m. and I'm done.

To answer any of your other questions would require revealing some things about the book, which I'm not going to do, exactly. I will say I was right about a few things and not completely right about some others. About Dumbledore's death and Snape's involvement, I was both wrong and right. About Harry and whether or not he was a Horcrux, I was right, and about whether or not Harry was going to have to die, I was right. About Neville's involvement in the whole prophecy (as he could have been The Chosen One), I was sort of right; his involvement was not exactly what I had predicted. And as to the characters who died, I was totally wrong. I was pretty sad about the characters they killed off, but I didn't cry.

Overall, a pretty darn good ending to a pretty darn good series of books. And now, to start rereading it...

Cancer sucks. Got the news that the mother of a close coworker passed away today. Diagnosed last year with lung cancer, she was treated with radiation and chemo. Things looked OK for a while, but at the beginning of June she was supposed to go in for cataract surgery, but right before she was to have the surgery she went in for some tests and they determined that the vision problems she was having were partly due to brain cancer. The lung cancer had spread. My friend immediately went up to be with her mom and stepdad. The prognosis was grim, 4 weeks, 8 on the outside. Well, it about split the difference, as it's been about 6 weeks since that was handed down. Thankfully, my friend got to spend a lot of this time with her mom and stepdad. And it didn't exactly cut her life short, as she was 89. But cancer is cancer, and sucks is sucks, and the whole thing isn't fair. Cancer shouldn't happen. It's not natural. It's a mutation. It makes me wonder how much of the cancer is caused by our civilization's gradual progression of chemical dependency. I hate it, and of course it makes me think back three months ago to my own mother's death. I guess I would have liked to have the prognosis, to know that it was coming, but I don't really think it would have made anything easier or better. I just hate that anyone has to go through this, and that any families have to be left behind.

A nice, somewhat helpful article that I found on CNN.com today:

Sneaky little slim-down tricks
(Health.com) -- Health magazine went to the top weight-control experts for their No. 1 tips to get the weight off now. Take a look.

Start smart
Begin lunch and dinner with a veggie-rich salad or broth-based soup, says Pennsylvania State University satiety expert Barbara Rolls, author of "The Volumetrics Eating Plan." "That lets you fill up first on a big volume of low-calorie food and ends up displacing some of the foods you'll eat next -- the choices that are usually higher in calories."

Here's a good salad recipe: Mix 1½ cups of salad greens with ¾ cup of raw veggies like onions, bell peppers, carrots, broccoli, or cucumbers; drizzle with 2 tablespoons of low-cal bottled dressing.

Sneak a snack
"Ten minutes before each meal, eat some healthy fat (around 70 calories or fewer): a handful of nuts, a few slices of avocado, or a spoonful of peanut butter, for example. That helps activate ghrelin, a hormone that lets you know you're full," says Michael Roizin, MD, co-author with Mehmet Oz, MD, of "You on a Diet: The Owner's Manual for Waist Management."

Try the 3-hour rule
"The secret to losing weight comes down to keeping your metabolism alive and active," according to fitness guru Jorge Cruise, author of "The 3-Hour Diet." How do you do that? By eating every 3 hours, give or take 10 to 20 minutes, he says, which translates to three moderate meals with three snacks (100 calories each) between meals.

Though other experts say there's nothing magic about 3-hour intervals, eating small, frequent, portion-controlled meals and snacks can keep your blood sugar level steady, your energy up, and keep you from overindulging.

Have liquid assets
"If you're going to drink anything with calories (i.e., fruit juice, soda, sweetened coffee and tea, or alcohol), you need to consciously adjust your diet to accommodate those extra calories," says Purdue University nutrition researcher Richard Mattes, PhD. His research shows that people typically make adjustments to eat fewer calories over the course of a day after eating a solid food like jelly beans, but not after drinking the same amount of calories in a glass of soda.

And if you want to replace sweetened drinks with their calorie-free counterparts, rethink it. Some research suggests that people who drink no- or low-calorie drinks might actually end up eating more, Mattes says. The best thirst quencher -- and a dieter's best friend -- is still plain old H2O.

Cut out this combo
Skip those munchies made with white flour and sugar, like white bread, cookies, and pretzels, says integrative medicine guru Andrew Weil, MD. They signal the body to produce more insulin and set the stage for turning calories to fat, fat, and more fat.

Choose your pals
Studies show that most of us base how much we eat on what others around us eat, says University of Toronto psychologist Peter Herman, PhD. So steer clear of the big eaters in your social circle, at least when food is around. Sashay over and make small talk at parties with the folks who aren't hovering near the food table.

"Marching to your own caloric drummer requires some independent thought and calculation," Herman says.

Pare portions
Everything from beverages to bagels is two to five times bigger today than in the 1970s, says New York University nutrition professor Lisa Young, PhD, author of "Portion Teller" and who has studied the servings dished up in restaurants and by food companies.

"So if you grab a bagel or eat out, chances are you'll be served double what you need," she says. Her advice: Start leaving just a little bit on your plate or, if you can, cut the amount you eat in half. She also suggests that you "use your hand as a portion guide -- 3 ounces of meat fits into your palm, 1 cup of potatoes looks like a fist."

Be an early bird
Eat the most food earlier in the day, says Elisabetta Politi, nutrition manager at Duke Diet and Fitness Center, Duke University's successful weight-management center.

"Many dieters try to trim calories from their break-fast and lunch and then get hungry," she says. "Research shows the calories you eat earlier in the day help you eat less at night" -- a good idea since you probably won't be active after an evening meal.

Step it up
"Get a pedometer and start walking," says University of Colorado obesity expert James Hill, author of "The Step Diet." To keep the weight off forever, the goal is to take 11,000 to 12,000 steps (around 90 minutes) a day.

"You don't need to do it all at once," Hill explains. Start with 2,000 steps a day, or about 15 minutes of walking. Add another 5 minutes (500 steps) each week. You can find supercheap pedometers at drugstores and big-box retailers to help you keep count. There are lots of other sneaky little ways to add more steps to your day, too: Use a cordless phone and walk while you talk, or get up and walk during TV commercials.

Think thin
"Seeing is believing," says Janice Taylor, weight-loss coach and author of "Our Lady of Weight Loss." "You have to picture yourself thin if you want to become thin." Visualize what you're wearing, where you are, who you are with, and how you feel. "The more vivid the picture, the more real it will feel to you," Taylor says, "and the more likely it will take form."

Shula Lazarus, PhD, a psychotherapist at the North Carolina-based weight-management program Structure House, agrees, though the method isn't clinically proven. "We use it to help dieters visualize a healthy eating pattern and the right portions on their plate. It can't hurt, and it might help."

Fill up on fiber
Crowd out calorie-dense foods by ratcheting up on fruits and veggies. "Start by eating one more serving of fruit and one more vegetable a day," says Donald Hensrud, MD, a Mayo Clinic nutrition specialist. Hitting that midafternoon slump? Reach for carrots -- the carbs will give you a lift. Not only does munching on nature's bounty become a good habit, but it'll also help you tap into dozens of disease-fighting phytochemicals and vitamins. The biggest fiber bulker-upper: beans. Just a cup of black beans nets you nearly 15 grams of filling fiber.

Brush your teeth
Sometimes the best advice comes from your best friend or, in this case, a fellow Health magazine reader. Barbara Haug of Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan, says she brushes her teeth right after dinner instead of at bedtime. "I can be a compulsive snacker in the evening," she says, "but I don't like messing up freshly brushed teeth."

There are some good pointers in there. Since I have a hard time controlling how much I eat, I need to max out on the stuff that's better to eat--more salads, more veggies, more fiber, less meat, less starches, less white flour and sugar (*sob*). Eat more in the morning and cut back at night. If I drink something with calories (which I usually don't--mostly water and diet soda, and I should really cut back on the diet soda again) I need to cut the calories from somewhere else.

Of course, advice is great and all that, but can I really do it?

As time draws nearer and nearer to the release of the final Harry Potter book this weekend, I can't help but think about the possible endings. Will Harry live or die? Will he finally vanquish Lord Voldemort? Who else from the large cast of interesting and (mostly) lovable characters will meet an untimely end? Did Snape really kill Dumbledore, and if he did, was he a good guy or a bad guy when he did it? Is Harry a Horcrux? Is Neville supposed to be the real Chosen One?

And I'm not the only one wondering these things. There is an absolute legion of fans out there, all of them wondering how it will all end. Even famous people. Here's an article written by Stephen King, the famous novelist who has killed off more characters than we can count in his stories.

Goodbye, Harry
Our columnist knows from writing his ''Dark Tower'' series that every story needs closure -- even if one ending can't please 'em all
J.K. ROWLING
Jon Furniss/WireImage.com
By Stephen King

"I'm having a day of mixed feelings: happy because I'm reading the manuscript of a novel that's full of magic, mystery, and monsters; sad because it will be finished tomorrow and on my shelf, with all its secrets told and its surviving characters set free to live their own lives (if characters have lives beyond the end of a novel — I've always felt they do). It's called The Monsters of Templeton, by Lauren Groff, and it will be published early next year.

Did you think I meant the final Harry Potter tale? Don't be a sillykins — not even your Uncle Stevie gets that one in advance (although I'm sure you agree that he should, he should). But I expect to face the same feelings, only stronger, when the pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows dwindle down to the final few. Hell, I had trouble saying goodbye to Tony Soprano, and let's face it — he was a turd. Harry's one of the good guys. One of the great guys, in fact, and the same holds true for his friends.

The sense of sadness I feel at the approaching end of The Monsters of Templeton isn't just because the story's going to be over; when you read a good one — and this is a very good one — those feelings are deepened by the realization that you probably won't tie into anything that much fun again for a long time. This particular melancholy deepens even more when the story is spread over multiple volumes. I felt it as I approached the end of Mervyn Peake's Gormenghast trilogy, more strongly as I neared the conclusion of Frodo's quest in The Lord of the Rings, and with painful keenness when, as the writer, I got to the end of The Dark Tower, which stretched over seven volumes and a quarter century's writing time.

When it comes to Harry, part of me — a fairly large part, actually — can hardly bear to say goodbye. I'd guess that J.K. Rowling feels the same, although I'd also guess those feelings are mingled with the relief of knowing that the work is finally done, for better or worse.

And I'm a grown-up, for God's sake — a damn Muggle! Think how it must be for all the kids who were 8 when Harry debuted in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, with its cartoon jacket and modest (500 copies) first edition. Those kids are now 18, and when they close the final book, they will be in some measure closing the book on their own childhoods — magic summers spent in the porch swing, or reading under the covers at camp with flashlights in hand, or listening to Jim Dale's recordings on long drives to see Grandma in Cincinnati or Uncle Bob in Wichita. My advice to families containing Harry Potter readers: Stock up on the Kleenex. You're gonna need it. It's all made worse by one unavoidable fact: It's not just Harry. It's time to say goodbye to the whole cast, from Moaning Myrtle to Scabbers the rat (a.k.a. Wormtail). Which leads to an interesting question — will the final volume satisfy Harry's longtime (and very devoted) readers?

Although the only thing we can be sure of is that Deathly Hallows won't end in a 10-second blackout (you're going to hear that a lot in the next few weeks), my guess is that large numbers of readers will not be satisfied even if Harry survives (I'm betting he will) and Lord Voldemort is vanquished (I'm betting on this, too, although evil is never vanquished for long). I'm partly drawing on my own experience with The Dark Tower (reader satisfaction with the ending was low — tough titty, since it was the only one I had); partly on my belief that very few long works end as felicitously as Tolkien's Rings series, with its beautiful pilgrimage into the Grey Havens; but mostly on the fact that there is that sadness, that inevitable parting from characters who have been loved deeply by many. The Internet blog sites will be full of this was bad and that was wrong, but it's going to boil down to something that many will feel and few will come right out and state: No ending can be right, because it shouldn't be over at all. The magic is not supposed to go away.

Rowling will almost certainly go on to other works, and they may be terrific, but it won't be quite the same, and I'm sure she knows that. Readers will be able to go back and reread the existing books — as I've gone back to Tolkien, as my wife goes back to Patrick O'Brian's wonderful sea stories featuring Captain Aubrey and Dr. Maturin, as others do with novels featuring Travis McGee or Lord Peter Wimsey — and rereading is a great pleasure, but it's not the bated-breath, what's-gonna-happen-next suspense that Potter readers have enjoyed since 1997. And, of course, Harry's audience is different. It is, in large part, made up of children who will be experiencing these unique and rather terrible feelings for the first time.

But there's comfort. There are always more good stories, and now and then there are great stories. They come along if you wait for them. And here's something I believe in my heart: No story can be great without closure. There must be closure, because it's the human condition. And since that's how it is, I'll be in line with my money in my hand on July 21.

And, I must admit, sorrow in my heart."

The irony here is that I am one of those fans King mentioned, who was unsatisfied with the end of his Dark Tower series. I got very into those books. As with Harry Potter, there are seven books in the Dark Tower series. That's seven stories of getting to know the characters, getting tangled in their lives, and getting towed helplessly along in the storyline. So, when I read the final story, I had a lot of emotions flowing as he killed off one character after another, characters I had become very fond of. The one that finally did it was Oy. Oy was a dog-type creature who could sort of talk. At first he just parroted back what the other characters said, but it became obvious over the course of the series that Oy was very intelligent and knew what he was saying. There is little that can be worse in a story than hurting or killing an animal, especially one as funny and sweet and loyal as Oy. And what was worse, he died saving another character. I bawled. Horribly. For hours. I couldn't believe King would kill off the damn dog. Jerk.

So, when he says he awaits the final story with sorrow in his heart, not because of how it will end but because all things MUST come to an end, I'm sure he means it. But I will reserve my sorrow for any characters that get killed off, at least, for the good ones. I doubt I'll shed many tears for Voldemort.

But Friday night at midnight seems so very far away!

Got a new kayak, a Dagger Agent 6.2. It's a playboat, which means (for those of you who aren't into this sport) that it is design to do tricks. It is shorter than typical "river running" kayaks, with less volume and a bow, stern, and edges that are flattened and shaped to make it easier to surf on waves, spin in holes, and bury the front or back to do flips and twists. Not that I expect to ever figure out how to do any of these tricks, but I wouldn't have any chance at all of pulling any of them off in my other boat.

The one thing I changed about the boat is the logo. The original logo was a silhouette of a man, one would assume a spy of some kind, with a hat pulled down low over his face and sunglasses to obscure him. Kind of a lame logo, really. So, I decided to replace it with something. I had a few ideas unrelated to the whole "agent" thing, but my husband came up with the clever idea to use the old "Spy vs. Spy" comic from Mad magazine. So I blacked out the original logo with a Sharpie, bought some white paint pens and a waterproof clearcoat spray, and went to work. All in all, I think it came out pretty good.







I'll try it out this weekend, and let you know what I think.

Bah humbug. It's unfortunate that six days at home can be so detrimental to my weight loss! I weighed in last night at 185.4 (thankfully this morning I was down to 183.8). I tried to be good while I was home. I didn't really get any "home-cooked meals" as the primary cooking was always done by my mom. Dad is more apt, especially now, to go pick up some take-out Mexican or Chinese and eat off it for a couple of meals. The day I flew back to CA I didn't eat great, simply because I was relying on airport food--a bagel and cream cheese at Einstein's, a personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut. Then Dad and I got Chinese for dinner. So that day wasn't very good. The next day I did OK--ran/walked a couple miles in the morning, had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast, didn't have lunch because we went to the movies (and had popcorn, although I didn't put butter on mine), and had leftover Chinese for dinner. The next day wasn't too bad; after the small bowl of cereal for breakfast we went to a wedding and had a meal at the reception. I didn't have any dinner that night because I felt like I had probably eaten enough at the reception, and I really wasn't that hungry. The next day was Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary, and I took my dad out to lunch at a salad buffet (after the obligatory bowl of cereal for breakfast). I tried to be good at the buffet--I didn't put dressing on my salad, just dipping my fork in the dressing instead, and not getting any other items than a small bowl of chili and piece of bread. Buffets are the kiss of death as far as diets are concerned, but I felt like I had really done a good job of restraining myself. Again I did not have dinner, but I did have a pretzel (one of the big soft ones) at the movie theatre with a friend. The last day I was home I went running again, and it was the only day I ate three meals while I was there--the usual breakfast, lunch with some of my mom's friends (and the only bad thing I did was the French fries), and then dinner with my brother (didn't even eat everything on my plate, but I'm pretty sure the two monster margaritas I drank were probably pretty bad). No breakfast yesterday until I got to the Phoenix airport, where I repeated my personal pan pizza, and then nothing until I got home and went out with my husband to Chili's. So I had hoped that my multiple days of only two meals might offset the fact that so many meals were restaurant food, but apparently not. I'm pleased that the 185 dropped this morning to 183, but it still is three pounds more than it should be.

So here's the deal: I have 37 days until school starts, just over five weeks. Realistically, I can probably only lose about ten pounds by then, since they (whoever "they" are) recommend losing no more than two pounds each week. So that's my goal, ten pounds from today's weight. So that would be 173.8 by August 16th (the day school starts). That would only put me equal to my lightest weight (which I think I hit either spring last year or last July). Definitely not the 160 I was originally hoping for.

Here's how I'm apparently going to have to do it. I am going to have to keep track of my calories, as much I as absolutely despise keeping a journal. I briefly considered relying on either packaged meals (like Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice) or an actual program (like Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem), but it's less expensive to just eat regular food and try to keep track of it. So I'm shooting for approximately 1200 calories a day, really the minimum they (again, "they") suggest for weight loss. To balance that out, I need to be burning at least 1000 calories each day. I am going to only count the calories I burn on a cardio machine, like a treadmill or elliptical machine, simply because those machines are calibrated and consistent. I know I might not be burning exactly the number the machine says I am, but I can rely on the machine to give me the same kind of reading each time. It's hard to calculate your own calories being burned in an exercise because you can never be sure you are putting in the same kind of effort or resistance as the calculation, and the numbers for exercises are never the same depending on the website you look at (one might say you burn 250 calories swimming at a medium pace for a half hour, while another might say you are burning 300 calories, and are you really sure you are swimming at what "they" think is a medium pace?). Now, I will still lift weights and swim and things like that, but I'm only going to count the calories burned on the cardio machines. Hopefully I can get back on track and get some weight off before school starts again.

Why is this so darn hard?

Transformers kicked ASS!

I watched a lot of cool cartoons as a kid, and so every time one of those cartoons gets turned into a movie I await with a mixture of excitement and uncertainty. Will it be good? Will it suck? Well, I got the answer to Transformers last night. IT ROCKED. Seeing Optimus Prime drive up through the smoke RULED. Very freakin' cool. Go see it, now!

Meh. So, four full weeks into my summer, I was curious about my size. Not my weight; I'm horribly aware of the fact that I haven't lost any weight for the entire month. What I was wondering was, what size clothes am I currently wearing? I haven't done any clothes shopping in quite some time (ignoring the outfit I bought for my mother's memorial service, at which point I was not paying any attention whatsoever to what size the clothes were). So I went to a department store and tried a few things on.

I know the largest size pants I have ever purchased were size 16, although at some point I probably should have been wearing larger ones than that. Disappointingly enough, despite a loss of almost 40 lbs in the past year and a half, I am only down to a size 12. I was able to get into a pair of size 10 pants, but they pulled rather tight across my hips and butt, and my lovehandles lopped depressingly over the sides of the waistband. Ick.

As far as tops go, I am still firmly into the XL range. My biggest (haha) problems are my wide shoulders, my big upper arms, and my, uh, bosom. Let's just say that what God graced me with has been seriously augmented by my eating habits over the years. I'm HUGE up top. I know there are girls out there who pray and pray for bigger cup sizes than what they've been given, but I'm here to tell you that there is a point where it becomes seriously unattractive. These do not belong in a magazine; they belong to a fat person. Eew. Anyway, I'm thoroughly disappointed in the styles of tops that are currently popular. With a plunging neckline, fluttery sleeves, and Empire waists with flared bottoms, my arms look flabby (which they are, but why accentuate it), my bosom looks disgustingly huge (which it is, again...), and I look pregnant (which I am not, so why lead anyone on). Yuck.

So, unless I get a move on and actually lose some weight (and tone what I've got so I'm not quite so horribly jiggly and flabby and lumpy), I really won't need to buy much in the way of clothes this fall for school. I've got a couple pairs of pants that fit, and I've got plenty of XL tops (not too stylish, but I'm not, generally, so it's no big deal).

Clearly, however, even if I lose some weight, my days of buying anything in the juniors department are over (and really have been for some time); the stuff just isn't cut to accomodate me, whether I lose or not.

Well, I've been given a pretty good dose of reality; let's see what I do with it.

I feel like a broken record (or skipping CD, for those of you who are too young to remember): FRUSTRATED. Another week of working out pretty well, another week of absolutely no weight loss. Oh, I did have one morning where I was actually below 180, but I promptly popped right back up the next day. Ended the week at 181. So, basically, another wasted week.

I'm beyond frustrated. I've been basically stuck at this weight since March of LAST YEAR. That's right, March of 2006. I had one week last summer where I dipped down to my lightest weight, but pretty much other than that, I'm totally stagnant. I'm really starting to question if it's even worth continuing to try to lose weight. Heck, I've lost over 37 lbs since we started this back on Halloween of 2005, and really about 45 lbs from what I suspect was my heaviest weight. I should be happy with that, and proud of that, and to be completely honest it would be a lot easier if I'd just quit. I know how to stay at this weight; I've done it for over a year.

But I'm still so unhappy. I really wanted to get down to around 150 lbs. I really wanted to get below a size 10 (I'm not sure I'm even in a size 10 right now; I haven't bought any clothes in a while, and most of my pants right now are 12, although some of them seem a little loose but it might not be enough to get into 10s). But my summer is slowly creeping away, and I haven't made any progress at all. I mean, school got out on the 24th of May, and I was done with work on the 30th. It's now June 24, and I have absolutely nothing to show for the past four weeks. While watching shows like The Biggest Loser are very inspiring, they also piss me off, because I'm watching these people losing 10 and sometimes 20 lbs each week, over and over again, and I've lost nothing.

Obviously, consistent exercise and "watching what I eat" (right, watching it go from the plate to my mouth) isn't enough. I clearly need to make a modification regarding my diet. But this is where it gets very difficult. I am not good at cutting items out of my diet completely. Those tend to become the things that I snap and binge on. But I'm also not good at controlling my portion sizes. I've heard people recommend a variety of different things to control portion size, like using a particular plate that you fill up and you only eat what fits on the plate, or using a particular ladle or spoon to control the size of the portion, or getting one of those divided plates for picnics and filling the largest space with salad and the other spaces with whatever else you're eating. All of those sound like good ideas, but they aren't practical for eating anywhere other than home. So, you're gonna take your divided plate and your ladle to Outback Steakhouse and load up? Just doesn't seem realistic.

So, what can I do?

1. I can keep eating the same way and drastically increase my workouts. This works OK for the summer (although it will make it a little harder to get some stuff done at home because I'll be spending more time at the gym), but it won't work during the school year, when I have a limited amount of time I can be at the gym. This might be a good plan to lose the weight, but I'll need to come up with a different plan to keep it off.

2. I can try one of those portion-control methods, or at least come up with my own method. While this is obviously one that I really should do, I don't really know how to do it. I've never known how to control my portions, short of purchasing everything premade and prepackaged, like those 100-calorie packs of chips and cookies and the 100-calorie things of yogurt. How DO you control portions? How DO you stop yourself from loading up? I have no idea how to do this.

3. I can try to restrict my diet and cut some things out that I know I shouldn't be eating. I know breads are loaded with calories. I know pasta is packed with carbs. I know red meat is much fattier than chicken and fish. I know that desserts have sugar and fat in them. But I don't know how to live without them. That sounds incredibly stupid, and incredibly selfish; I have this crazy image of some little kid in Somalia looking at me like I'm completely insane as he slowly starves to death. But it has been proven that if you completely cut something out of your diet, that item is the one that will probably lead to your falling off the wagon at some point. Since I do have a binging personality, I'm afraid to cut things out completely.

4. I can keep working out and eating the same way I have been, but try a supplement like Lean System 7 or Stacker 2 or Hydroxycut. Again, this is one of those things that could work in the short-term, but it really doesn't have a realistic chance to work in the long-term. I don't tolerate things like ephedra very well (tried the old Metabolife long ago, and it made me super-twitchy), and I don't know that the other non-ephedra stimulants will work any better. I already take medication for high blood pressure, and I don't know what effect a supplement could have on that. And what happens when I stop taking it? Do I just gain the weight back?

Clearly, only two of these options are really viable. I can either dramatically increase my workouts, or I can try to figure out how to eat less. I know a lot of people out there keep food journals. If you do, how do you do it? Do you set yourself a calorie goal for the day, and figure out your calories as you go? Do you just track your eating habits and not actually count the calories, but perhaps track your weight loss and gain for each day, adjusting your eating to that? Or do you just write down everything you eat to shame yourself into eating less? I know CalorieKing.com is a good website to help track calories, but I don't know if calorie-counting is what I want to do. It takes a lot of time to figure out how many calories you are taking in (especially if you are making your own meals--either you measure everything or you just take a guess as to how much you are eating), and it requires you to stick to it. Do you have to carry your journal with you everywhere? Do you write everything down right away, or wait until later? There's just a lot to think about when you are doing a food journal.

Well, I've got a few things to think about. Whatever I'm going to do, I need to get started on it. I've already wasted about a month of my summer, and time is running out.

It's over. And I am so let-down! It wasn't a very good series finale at all. Sort of stole a page from Star Trek: TNG. Not that they haven't done that before, but they didn't put much of a novel spin on it. Of course, it didn't really tie up any plot lines, because they are making two made-for-tv movies to finish things up. Didn't even have a great ending; I sort of expected bringing in some old characters to tie things up, but they only really brought in one, mostly for tearjerker points (and while I love the Asgaard, I'm not going to cry over Thor, although he was pretty cool). No O'Neill, no Hammond ("of Texas"), no nothin'. They just went through the gate, as usual, with just a few "gosh, it's been fun" kind of lines. Not even as cool as the end of ST:TNG, with its poker game with everybody participating. Oh well. Anyway, at least one character is making a crossover to Stargate: Atlantis, and I'm sure other characters will show up from time to time. But dammit, I'm gonna miss 'em. It just won't be the same.

*sigh* Why do the best shows always have to end?

Continuing to struggle. Went out of town on a kayaking weekend, and was very disappointed to not lose any weight. As a matter of fact, I actually gained a couple pounds. The exercise on a kayaking weekend is undeniable (great upper body and cardio workout), and not eating while on the river is pretty good too, but we've started really cooking in our campsite, you know, dutch oven pizza and cobblers, eggs and bacon and french toast and burgers and ranch potatoes and...mmm, gettin' hungry. Not good. Anyway, as we've refined our camp cooking abilities, we've started eating more food on these trips than we ever did in the past. Add in the eating out on the way to and from the camping trip, and it gets ugly in a hurry. Even kayaking several hours a day for a couple days, I ended up apparently not burning as many calories as I took in. Bummer.

Thankfully, one day (yesterday) of being better about eating and working out and I was back down to 180 this morning, but I've had absolutely no net loss whatsoever. I've only got eight weeks or so left to lose some weight. At this point, I'll be happy for ANY loss, not necessarily a whole 20 lbs. I mean, I'd love to lose a full 20 lbs in the next 8 weeks, but I'll just be happy to be below my lightest weight, 173. Really, that just means I need to lose 1 pound each week. That, I think I can do. I think.

Frustrated. Despite the fact that I worked out pretty well last week, I did not eat that well. We ate out several times, and I did not chose wisely. Large portions, lots of stuff I didn't need. So, despite all the working out of last week, I lost nothing. My weight stayed mostly flat all week long, with a few peaks and no valleys. Last night we went out to a steak place that is well-known for their desserts, which is why we went there in the first place. So of course we both got dessert, and although I did not finish my dessert, I still cleaned my plate of everything else.

I'm watching reruns of The Biggest Loser wistfully, wishing I could be in that situation, where there are no bad snacks lying around, where there is a personal trainer there to kick my ass into moving faster, where there is $250,000 of motivation added to the motivation of looking and feeling better.

I really don't know what to do. I need to make a number of changes to what I'm doing. I really need to try and switch to more veggies and a lot less meat. I need to add some variety to my workouts. Instead of spending the whole cardio time on the elliptical or the treadmill, I need to spend equal time on the elliptical, the treadmill, and the stationary bike. I need to push myself harder and harder on the exercises that I have been doing for a long time.

I spent some time the other day looking up information about willpower (namely, how to get some). I got really mad reading one website that said it isn't really willpower that is anyone's problem, because despite how we feel, we all really do have willpower. Instead, the website suggested that people just need to find the one thing that motivates them more than anything else. Well, fabulous. So, instead of needing willpower, I need motivation. F&^% lot of good that does me. So, how do I get motivation? Since apparently the facts that I hate being fat, that I want to look better for my husband, and that I want to give myself a better chance of surviving some of the genetic health issues I may be facing are not enough to motivate me to lose weight. I'm even trying to bribe myself with shopping (I can't buy any new clothes until I lose at least ten more pounds, and I only have until school starts to do it). How do I do this?

My ultimate goal is 150 lbs. I am teetering at 180 right now (actually I was 183 this morning, but like I said, I ate way too much last night, and I was dressed when I weighed, so I suspect I'll be back at 180 tomorrow morning). If I could get that by the end of October, it would be two years since we started this little adventure.

I would really like to be 160 when school starts in mid-August, but that might be asking too much. I've got about 9 weeks (a little more until the first day of school, a little less until the first day the teachers have to report back for inservice). So that means I've got a little more than 20 lbs to lose. A very stubborn 20 lbs, from the look of things. I don't know that I can make it, but I'm still going to try. It's just frustrating.

Well, I tried out my new mp3 player, and I've gotta say, it was pretty cool. It is a SwiMP3 player from Finis. The premise is simple--in order to get the best sound underwater, it relies on bone conduction rather than sound waves traveling through air, since your ears aren't in air while you swim. It's the same concept that causes you to hear your own voice differently than others do (it sounds so weird when you hear yourself recorded and played back), because you hear it through your head as well as through the air. The speakers actually rest on the bones of your head right in front of your ear, and the sound waves travel through your head and vibrate the workings of your ear. So the sound is good underwater.

Anyway, that's the way it is supposed to work. That's definitely what I was hoping for when I purchased the item. Since I want to make swimming one of my major workouts each day, I decided to try it to make the laps a little less boring. $199 plus shipping. It arrived pretty quickly via UPS, and I tried it out yesterday. It's got a little waterproof bud in between the speakers, where you plug in the USB cord to load the music. It loads really easily. The only downside is that it does not play iTunes' proprietary format, so any music I've actually purchased I'll have to convert before I can use them. Oh well. Most of my music has been, shall we say, procured another way (that's not to say illegally, necessarily).

So, I got the speakers hooked to my goggle straps, figured out the controls pretty easily (although I'll have to memorize where all the buttons are and what each one does), and ducked my head under the water. Here are my observations:

1. As long as you are underwater, the sound is really good. I didn't have to fiddle with the volume much to find a good level. And the music quality is pretty impressive.

2. Even if my head was above water, as long as my ear was full of water, it still sounded pretty good. That means freestyle, backstroke, and butterfly (since I breathe to the side) all sound good.

3. The only time it didn't sound great was when my head was above water with no water in my ears. With my head up, the sound is a little tinny, like my old crappy headphones on my old Sony walkman years ago. I could still hear it, but the sound quality did definitely change. So breaststroke was a little disappointing, with a sort of ooo-WHEE-ooo-WHEE-ooo quality to the music as my head would rise and fall above and below the water level.

4. It kept me from fiddling with my goggles. I usually take them off and put them on multiple times during a workout, or rest them on my forehead for a while. I left them on the whole time.

5. What I didn't do was use my kickboard at all, and I can certainly see a problem or two there. I usually take my goggles off entirely to rest my head (I get headaches really easily). So I wouldn't hear the music obviously if I took them off. Also, the sound is better underwater, and when kicking with the kickboard I keep my head above water. I'll have to think this part through. I can always kick without the kickboard and keep my head in the water most of the time. But it does change things up a bit.

6. The speakers didn't get disrupted during any of the strokes, flipturns, or anything like that. I didn't try diving, but I don't usually dive in anyway. No big problem there. And it was easy enough to slide the speakers back a bit from my ears so I could talk to someone out of the water and hear them.

So I'm pretty pleased with the SwiMP3 player. It worked pretty well, and it will keep me from getting bored while I swim. I'll sort out whatever bugs I come across. But if you swim a lot, give one a try!

Well, yesterday went pretty well. I went to the gym in the morning, swam a mile, and then had to abandon my plan of lifting weights (waldrobe malfunction; well, really, I forgot an item of my wardrobe). So I went home and got some housekeeping and business stuff taken care of. Then I went back to the gym and got an hour of cardio. I'm a little sore today, but not too bad. I managed to eat pretty well yesterday too, which brought my weight down from the 184 I registered the other day to this morning's weigh-in of 180.6. Much better, but I still need to get away from the 180's. Heck, I need to get away from the 170's and 160's too. Ultimately, I'd like to be somwhere between 150-155.

Anyway, I haven't gone to the gym yet today because I'm waiting for the mail and the UPS guy to arrive. I'm especially excited about the UPS delivery; I'm going to try out an mp3 player that works in the water. It's not a traditional mp3 player; it works through bone conduction rather than traditional headphones. It clips to goggle straps so it doesn't get in the way while swimming. I'm pretty curious and I really hope it works well, because it will make it much easier to swim longer without getting completely bored.

So, this afternoon the plan is to go to the gym and swim for about an hour, then dry off and go inside, meet my husband, and do cardio or lift. I may also go for a walk or run coming up here around lunchtime, although it's pretty warm outside and I may not be happy with the decision to do it. Oh well.

So, I feel like I've got a good plan. It's all going to come down to whether or not I can stick with the eating better and the exercising more. I really hope I can.

And there was much rejoicing (yay...).

It is officially summer vacation! Hooray! Finished all the work I needed to do in my classroom today, went to our end-of-the-year luncheon, checked out with the dean. That means I'm free and clear until July 16, when I start my two weeks of summer school. And after that, nothing until August 9. Whoo hoo!

But I'm not going to spend my summer lying around the house eating (like I did last summer). Oh no. I need to use this time to get myself out of the rut I've gotten in (the non-working-out, eating-way-too-much rut). My weight has crept back up over 180. I weighed myself this evening (even though it includes clothing and food weight since I just ate) and I'm not happy: 184.2. A solid 10 lbs heavier than my best weight so far since we started this whole weight-loss adventure over a year and a half ago.

So my summer will be spent at the gym. Not all day long; I don't think I could keep that kind of intensity up. But what I'd like to do is go to the gym in the morning and swim a few miles, then change into clothes and lift some weights. Then I would go home and do whatever needed to be done at home, and go back to the gym in the afternoon to meet my spouse and do some cardio. It will require a lot of effort and dedication from me, which I so far haven't shown in quite some time. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with it, but I'm going to try.

I also need to work on my eating habits. Right now we're pretty broke, so I don't have to worry about buying too much food. I just need to pick food that is good for me (fruits and veggies mostly) and only small amounts at a time. Ideally I would like to run/walk/bike to the farmers' market that is about a mile from my house to purchase my lunch, or maybe to the grocery store or Subway or something like that. However, my dislike of running coupled with the really unpleasant temperatures and humidity of a typical Southern summer may be prohibitive.

Anyway, this will all begin tomorrow. I'll start out the day by weighing myself, and then I'll hit the gym to swim. We,ll see how this goes from there...

I hate cancer.

I survived Mother's Day, I made it past the one-month anniversary of my mother's death, but somehow it just all keeps coming back to me. It seems like so many people I know have lost a loved one to cancer, have a loved one with cancer, or have had cancer themselves. It's everywhere.

A close coworker just got the news this afternoon that her mother's lung cancer, which was treated last year with chemo and radiation, has spread to her brain. Two close family friends have fathers with lung cancer now, one in the late stages.

It just sucks. With everything else in the world that isn't fair, why do diseases have to pick off the good people?

This has been sort of an emotional day. I haven't really done much, just went to the gym and sat around the house, took a nap and worked on school stuff, but the thought of my mother has been with me all day. My brother had sent me a gift of Almond Roca, something we all traditionally gave my mom every year for various holidays, and I had sent him a small pillow I had made from one of my mom's shirts. Our dad had suggested that we didn't really need to celebrate Mother's Day anymore, since neither of us have children, but to hell with that, we decided. So we sent each other cards and gifts, and spent the day thinking about what we didn't have.

But what really drove it home came as I was finishing a book my Honors students have been reading. The book is The Life All Around Me by Ellen Foster, by Kaye Gibbons. It is a sequel to another book, Ellen Foster, and follows the life of a girl named Ellen who lost her mother when she was about ten and is now going through adolesence with her adoptive mother and the rest of her somewhat crazy family and rural-town friends. The stories have been very good, but obviously in the past few weeks the character of Ellen has become a bit more familiar to me. Although we are different ages and lost our mothers in different ways (and of course she is fictional and I am not, at least I don't think I am), some of the thoughts and ideas that drift around Ellen are ones that have crossed my mind in the not-so-distant past. Anyway, the last passage in the book, as I was finishing it up and preparing to write a quiz for the girls, struck me very suddenly, and I found myself briefly in tears, but not in a bad way.

"Knowing well that I could be more than what my mother did, more than the moment she died--I am what she was before and is now, here with me in the burden of her love I'm content to carry, gorgeous to me and lighter than breath."

I cannot stay in the waiting room of the hospital, waiting for a phone call from the surgeon that I simultaneously needed and dreaded. I cannot stay in that room at the hospital, the one where the doctor summoned us to tell us that he had lost my mother on the operating table. I cannot stay in that little curtained-off area in the ICU where they brought my mother's body afterwards for us to view. But I am afraid that when I left the hospital finally that afternoon, hours after my mother's spirit left me behind, I left part of myself behind, in that waiting room, in that little room on the third floor, in the ICU beside the shell of my mother.

My life is not the one that ended. I don't want to stay in that hospital. I don't think my mother would have wanted me to, either. But I do not feel whole, yet, and I do not know how to regain the part of me that could not bear to leave.

Wow, my 100th post. And somehow, things haven't changed that much.

I'm still struggling to lose weight. I still haven't made permanent improvements to my housekeeping abilities. I still haven't gotten 100% organized at school.

Pretty sad that in over a year I haven't made that many advances.

Anyway, I need to work on the same things I've been working on.

1) I need to get better at working out. I was especially bad this week, making it to the gym only three times. I really need to finish the chore of losing all the weight I've needed to lose. I'm still hovering just below 180 lbs. I have many reasons to lose the weight. Self-esteem, certainly, is a primary one. But the events of the past few weeks have driven home to me all the issues in my family history that can affect my health (cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, alzheimer's, stroke, diabetes, etc.), and a lot of them can be influenced by obesity. Definitely cause to drop the weight.

2) I need to get one top of the school stuff. Thankfully, I'm almost 100% caught up. I had been doing pretty well, and then I went out of town for a couple days for my mom's surgery. When everything went to hell, I lost an entire week. By the time I got home, I had seven days' worth of homework assignments, plus a test that included an essay, to grade. I literally just reached the official "caught up" point, where the only items I had to grade were items actually turned in today. Hooray. And even better, I only have a week left of classes (since the girls are almost out for the summer). And the week is pretty much all reviewing for the exam, except for a test they'll be taking. So I really don't have many assignments left to grade. I need to get together their study guide and exam, but for the most part it's smooth sailing.

3) I haven't really improved on the state of my house. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm still working on washing the dishes that were sitting in the sink the week I headed to Cali for my mom's surgery (and that was back on April 18). Ick. I also need to get onto the laundry, and I really need to vacuum up the dog hair.

Anyway, at least with school ending in a few weeks, I can try to get back into some semblance of shape. And get my house cleaned up. And everything else.

Man, I'm a slacker.

My brother has already posted on this subject, but I have not. I haven't had time, internet connection, or the motivation to post until now. I'm now at my own home, after a week and a half of having my life turned upside down. Now that I've had a little time to think, and adjust, I want to put my own post out there about our mother.

My mom was one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. I know that you're thinking I'm biased, since she is my own mother and all. But if you ask pretty much everyone who ever got to know her, they'll agree with me. My mother was kind, thoughtful, caring, giving, compassionate, friendly, fun-loving, joyful, and a bright spot in the lives of everyone who knew her. As a nurse, it was her job to take care of people, but she chose some of the most difficult of nursing jobs, working in long-term nursing and end-of life nursing in skilled care facilities and hospices. She guided many people through the final days of their lives, and helped their families in the grieving process. But she didn't do this just as a job. She also chose to help people in physically and emotionally painful circumstances through a church program called Stephen's Ministers. She went to visit the ill, the lonely, the shut-in, the grieving, the angry, and gave them an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. And she did it with the kindest of hearts. She also gave of herself in thousands of other ways, giving gallons of blood over the years (until the cancer made her unable to donate), giving her time to Bible studies and Girl Scout troops, and ultimately even giving the gift of sight after her death, donating her corneas (since they were about the only viable organs she had left).

In our own family, Mom did everything for us. She made sure birthdays were remembered, trangressions forgotten, Christmas cookies made, and was the cliched "glue that held the family together". Until the cancer came, we had all (and my father even admits it) labored under the assumption that he would go first and that Mom would pick up the pieces and help us go on. She had buried her own father at about the age I am now, and, after the cancer diagnosis and first surgery, was still able to take care of her mother's arrangements after she passed away from a major stroke. She had also helped my father when his own father, mother, and brother passed away. As much as we love my dad, his health and Mom's strength made it seem like Mom would always be the one who was around.

And now everything has changed. I knew, right away. All of the other updates we had received from the surgeon had either been via cell phone or in person in the waiting room. When he called down and asked to see the three of us upstairs in the ICU, deep down, I knew. I still had hope, of course, which I had been clinging to since the first phone call, the one where we were told there was a "complication". But I knew. As we sat in the little office, waiting for the surgeon to come in, I realized my teeth were chattering. I wasn't cold. I was scared. I've never actually been terrified before. But I was terrified nonetheless. I was finally confronted with my greatest fear. The life that I always thought I would have, the one that would someday involve handing my child to my mother for approval, was gone.

And we're left behind. My father seems so lost. Mom always took care of him, making sure he ate what he was supposed and showed up where he needed to when he needed to. And now that my brother and I have returned to what we can of our normal routines, my dad, who retired to spend as much time as possible with my mom after her diagnosis, is left to rattle around in an empty house, surrounded by ghosts and memories. My heart aches, both for me and my brother, and for my dad. Mother's Day is just around the corner, and my parents' 40th wedding anniversary is in a few months. And then my birthday and hers, and Christmas, and who will take care of the gifts, and the decorating, and the cookies? And us?

I am 32 years old, and yet I feel like a little girl who is sad and frightened and desperately wants her mommy. And really, that's just who I am. And who will come and kiss it and make it all better?

I'm mourning the imminent demise of one of my favorite TV shows of all time. After last night's reintroduction for the second half of the tenth season, there are only nine episodes left of Stargate: SG-1. I am heartbroken.

It is not unexpected that I would have grown fond of this show over the years. I was raised in a family that prized sci-fi a great deal. My parents were avid Star Trek fans (I've even attended a Star Trek convention with my mom); I watched both the original series in reruns and Star Trek: TNG in its original run. (I did watch Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise as well, although not with the zeal I had for TNG.) I have seen all the Star Trek movies and own many (and still tear up at the end of Star Trek IV when the crew receive their new Enterprise). The appeal of Star Trek was its combination of adventure, love, politics, cultural sensibilities, slavery, racism, good vs. evil, and humor.

It is no wonder then that I enjoy Stargate: SG-1 (and its spinoff show, Stargate: Atlantis) very much. The same combination of elements, with an updated flair and surprisingly good acting and special effects, makes the show great fun to watch. I also enjoy the slightly more educated background and jokes in the show. The premise of the Stargate movie (with Kurt Russell and James Spader) and TV shows is that various alien races have been coming to Earth for thousands of years, and that these aliens have insinuated themselves into various Earth cultures throughout history. Many of what early people believed to be gods in various mythologies (including Egyptian, Greek/Roman, Celtic, Norse, and others) were nothing but aliens with particular abilities and technologies. Similarly, some people in later legends and myths (especially recently the King Arthur legends and the people of Atlantis) were also members of these alien races. It is really interesting to see the relationships between all these different mythologies and legends from history from this perspective.

It's also fun to watch the various actors and actresses, both the regulars and the guests. There seems to be a cadre of science fiction actors who have hopped from show to show. Shows like Star Trek, Farscape, Dr. Who, The X-Files, Dark Angel, and others have produced the people who spend a lot of time on the Stargate shows. I'm also fond of the show because I have a personal tie to it--the first time my husband and I ever sat down to watch the show was the weekend he proposed to me, and that show was the first thing we ever sat together to watch as a couple. Goofy, I know, but it still counts with me.

Stargate: SG-1 is now the longest-running science fiction show on television, taking the title from The X-Files this season. But the SciFi Channel decided to stop running it after this season, so the producers of the show decided to end it.

There is already one spinoff show, as I mentioned; they are planning a second as well. And they will also run two full-length Stargate:SG-1 movies to tie up some of the plot lines, since the show is so complicated and involving.

As much as I enjoy Stargate: Atlantis, it makes me sad that the original is going to end. Stargate: SG-1 is interesting, funny, sometimes emotional, well-thought out, clever (a great moment in last night's episode involved all the characters trying to think of the secret name of a dragon: Vala: "Darryl the dragon?" Mitchell: "How 'bout Smokey?" Teal'c: "Perhaps Puff?"--this would be funnier if you know the characters, I suppose; Teal'c is a very straight-laced and serious alien, and my favorite line he has uttered so far is "Undomesticated equines could not remove me from the room" because he doesn't always quite understand human culture). They also have made a variety of subtle MacGyver jokes over the years, as Richard Dean Anderson is both one of the original cast members and the executive producer. There have been some really great episodes over the years, and I hate to see it go.

But thankfully, it has shown up in syndication in a few places, the original characters will certainly make guest appearances on the spinoffs, and I can certainly watch the episodes over and over again on DVD (we own most of the seasons so far). But it just won't replace rushing home and parking in front of the TV on Friday nights to watch the newest episode.

Why must the best shows always end?

Well, things may be improving. After a week of working out every day (although I did take yesterday off as a rebuilding day--I have a nasty cold and just didn't have the energy to work out), I weighed myself in the middle of the day, only a few hours after eating lunch, and found myself at 180. That means I managed to drop 4 lbs somewhere somehow this week. That's good.

It's my eating that continues to be a problem. All this working out makes me hungry, and so I'll eat and eat and eat. My food choices, while not necessarily horrific (it's not like I'm binging on Twinkies or anything) are not super-healthy, and the size of the portions definitely will cause some problems. Here's what www.shapefit.com says about portion sizes:

* 1 oz. meat: size of a matchbox
* 3 oz. meat: size of a deck of cards or bar of soap-the recommended portion for a meal
* 8 oz. meat: size of a thin paperback book
* 3 oz. fish: size of a checkbook
* 1 oz. cheese: size of 4 dice
* Medium potato: size of a computer mouse
* 2 Tbs. peanut butter: size of a ping pong ball
* 1 cup pasta: size of a tennis ball
* Average bagel: size of a hockey puck.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't tell you the last time I consumed a piece of meat that was only the size of a bar of soap, unless it was then followed by several more similarly sized pieces. I LOVE meat. I have a number of friends who are vegetarian, even vegan, and while I can certainly respect the reasons behind their choices, I cannot follow suit. I agree with comedian Dennis Leary: "Broccoli is a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be." I have actually had physical cravings for steak when I haven't had much red meat in a while. My vegetarian friends are quick to point out that the foods that tend to induce cravings are the unhealthy ones. I agree. Never in my life have I craved celery. But I've craved Oreos for sure. But as long as I exercise to compensate, and don't overdo it, I should be able to indulge my cravings occasionally. The problem is, the restaurants don't seem to agree with those portion sizes either. Come on, have you ever ordered a steak (that wasn't a super-expensive filet mignon or something) that was the size of a bar of soap? I usually order the prime rib that ends up being half a cow.

So I guess the lesson I must learn is, if I'm not willing to cut back on portions, I must compensate with even longer and more strenuous workouts to make up for it. I wish my gym was open 24 hours a day. I could just sleep on weekends...

So. I have a mixed bag o'blog today.

First of all, I want to trumpet to the heavens my success in working out this week. I actually made it to the gym at 5:00 a.m. for five consecutive days. Hooray! I will admit that yesterday and today were pretty rough, though. Both days there was tremendous temptation to shut off the alarm and go back to bed. But I made it, and I'm pleased with myself. Monday, Wednesday, and this morning I gerbiled on the elliptical machine for thirty minutes and then shut myself in one of the racquetball courts for the other thirty minutes. You wouldn't naturally assume that a game of racquetball against yourself could be much exercise, but when you have as little control over your shots as I do, it really is quite a workout, running all around the court, bouncing off walls and such. I'm sure anyone who walks by thinks it sad that I have no friends to play with (actually I do, but they don't want to get up that early), but heck, it's a pretty good workout, so I'll keep it up. Then Tuesday and Thursday I swam for the hour I was there. Pretty pathetic since I haven't been in the pool since the beginning of last fall, but I haven't drowned yet so that's a good thing. I am totally bushed, though, with all these early mornings. Coupled with my Lenten sacrifice of any and all caffienated beverages, I am one pooped puppy.

But here's the downside to today's entry. Somehow, I've gained weight. When I weighed in the other night, I actually hit 184, the heaviest I've been in about a year. I am beside myself with fury! My scale measures body fat and hydration, both of which have been excellent (as a matter of fact, I believe my body fat is at it's lowest point in this experiment). But although I know academically that the body fat percentage is more important than the actual poundage, it's the pounds that are pissing me off. I'm a solid ten pounds heavier than my lightest weight to date, and that makes me very unhappy. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm actually exercising seriously for the first time in probaby six months and am therefore building muscle back up, but it's so incredibly disheartening I could cry. And what makes me more worried is the possibility that it isn't just building muscle. Since I've been exercising at least once every day this week (and a couple times I even made it back to the gym at night), I've been hungrier. I've really had to fight the urge to snack all throughout the day, and I don't think I've been as successful at it as I could be. I think I've been exceeding my self-imposed caloric limit; by how much I can't say because I don't track my eating. It's just a little bit here, and a little bit there, and then a late dinner because we've gone to the gym and *POOF* I'm back in the mid-180's. I'm really going to try to cut back on my snacking at work. I need to find some low calorie snacks that really are very filling. So far microwave popcorn seems to be the best bet. Anybody out there have any suggestions?

Well, I'm going to give it another week. I plan to try and make it to the gym every morning next week as well, along with any evenings I can squeeze into my schedule. I will also really try to check my eating habits. But if the weight remains at the end of next week, well, I really don't know what I'm going to do.

Whew! Sorry for the nearly whole month of non-posting! I've had good reason to be busy. The annual research papers were due on Feb. 20. I postponed grading them during that week because I had other things to do (namely, prepare for and attend the state swimming championships that next weekend). Then, I discovered that the research papers had a problem--they were terrible. In previous years the papers took me approximately 20-30 minutes each to grade; this year each paper took me about an hour apiece. Ouch. Last year's were about the same. Many of last years papers were poor because the kids had difficulty following directions; this year the papers were poor because the kids were too lazy to follow directions. I don't know where the change has come the past couple of years; the first three years I taught at the school the papers were on the whole pretty good, with the average amount of not-so-good and fabulous. Last year and this year: few fabulous and a hella lot of not-so-good, with a horrendous amount of really, really bad. Anyway, I frantically graded, returned the papers, and kindly gave the students the option of correcting the mistakes and resubmitting the papers. They did, which meant I had to regrade them before the end of the quarter (which was last Friday). Between the grading, regrading, and frantic housecleaning (my parents visited for the week), I haven't had nearly the time to do any blogging.

I have not done a good job keeping up with my New Year's resolutions. I did not make it down to 170 lbs before Spring Break started (I did have a doctor's appointment last Friday, and fully dressed but without shoes I weighed in at 174, but that isn't close enough). I could still make it to 160 by the end of the school year, but it will mean I really need to get back into working out regularly and eating less than I did this week (taking my parents out to eat a few times really didn't help matters I'm sure). I'll weight myself tonight to get a new starting number for this part of the experiement.

I also haven't done a great job with my grading. I postponed grading a number of assignments because I was working on the research papers. I was pretty stressed last Friday trying to get it all done. I need to do much better this last quarter. I will try to grade all assignments on the day they are submitted and enter them into the computer within a day.

On the plus side, my house is in pretty good shape. My husband and I frantically cleaned and primped all last week. We put up some artwork and picture frames we'd been given for Christmas but hadn't done anything with, we got some new rugs and curtains, and we cleaned up the guest room, kitchen, and bathroom more than we probably have in six months. Sad, but true. Anyway, it should make the house a little easier to keep clean, since we've got it in pretty good condition right now.

Anyway, I'll try to be better about blogging, weight loss, grading, and general life. Hopefully I can survive until summer vacation. It looks so far away...

Isn't it the truth? The gym should be the place you go for health benefits, to lose weight, strengthen your muscles, and ultimately feel good about yourself. But instead, the clothing expected to be worn by those utilizing the gym can totally destroy your self-esteem.

Who invented spandex, anyway? I know it's useful and important (my swim team would have a lot of trouble with suits were it not for spandex), but has there ever been a material less forgiving? The only people who can wear it with ease are those who don't need it anymore because they're at their physical peak. Those of us for whom the tighter performance fabrics would be most beneficial are the ones who will not wear them because of the exposed lumps, rolls, and folds.

I get lots of catalogs, such as Athleta and Title Nine, that sell active-lifestyle clothing designed specifically for women. For cute little skinny women who spend a lot of time surfing, rock climbing, and doing yoga, apparently. I am not cute, little, or skinny, and I do not have any extra time for surfing (other than the net), I am afraid of heights, and I have the flexibility of a nun teaching in a Catholic school.

The only great thing I've ever gotten out of these catalogs was my sports bra. Now, this isn't one of those cute little stretchy jersey jobs that is colorful and fun, and designed to be worn in full view of everyone at the gym. Oh no. The style I wear was featured on Oprah and is designed for "larger" women who "don't want to bounce at all. Ever." It is purely unattractive, with about seventy-five cast-iron hooks in the front holding everything in. It has big thick straps and some extra support stitching in the back that would impress the designers of suspension bridges. It is thoroughly unappealing in every way. But it does work, by golly. There is no bouncing. Not ever.

Some day I would like to graduate from that bra to a cute little spandex top and some of those little boy-shorts. But, at the rate I've been making it to the gym, it'll probably be a long, long time before that happens. I need to just be happy that someone finally made a sports bra for those of us who cannot wear the cute workout clothes. If you ever go to my gym, you'll know me right away. I'm in big baggy clothes, with some nice new (expensive--my God, why do good athletic shoes cost so much? I had to replace my old shoes yesterday with ones that will keep me from pronating my ankles and help improve my plantar fasciitis, but dang, they were $135! Augh!) shoes, and I will have no visible rolls or folds, and I will not "bounce", ever.

SNOW DAY!



A little pine tree at the corner of my front porch




Icicles on the bushes out front




Icicles on the porch railing

Well, we didn't have to wait long after our disappointment yesterday for vindication. As the day progressed, with the girls (and teachers) in a sorry state of grumpiness over having to be at school, the weathermen at the news stations started warning that a second round of "winter weather" (I love how they say that; as if somehow the weather we've been having since December doesn't count as "winter") was on its way. We were all dubious at this point, having gotten our hopes up the day before only to have them dashed.

But sure enough, a little after 4 in the afternoon, it began to sleet. The administrators at our school went through the building, rounding up students who stay behind for afterschool activities and letting them call parents for rides home. There were rumors that it had started full-fledged snowing downtown, to the west of us. So I packed up my things (taking with me enough items to work on over the weekend if we were to not have school, although afraid that I would somehow jinx it by doing so) and headed home.

By golly, it really was snowing. Certainly not a white-out or blizzard conditions, but a pretty respectable weather pattern for a place that sees snow as infrequently as we do. The roads were wet but not slick. I had no trouble getting home, although I did notice those lines at the gas stations and grocery stores AGAIN. Didn't these people just load up on provisions yesterday?

Anyway, I went ahead and laid out my clothes and everything for work the next morning, really not expecting that we'd get enough to give us a holiday. My husband noted when we went to bed that the grass was starting to whiten. I shrugged it off.

But when I got up at 5 to take the dog out, OH GLORIOUS DAY! Tons of snow! Mountains! A new ice age! Well, OK, not really. But we did get a solid inch and a half, and that's gotta count for something. I turned on my laptop to check the news channels. Nothing yet. So I walked the dog (who LOVED it; he's only seen snow a few times in his life, and every time he realizes it is the greatest thing EVER. He rolls in it, kicks it up, snorts it, licks it, pounces on it, and generally has more fun than he's ever had doing anything else) and came back in for an update. This time, it was what I had hoped for. Our school, as a private school, doesn't really hinge on anyone else's decision-making: if our president decides we close, we close. But the president usually bases her decision on what the public schools in the area do, as well as what some of the other private schools do. Well, both public school systems in the county went down, and the privates schools followed close behind. So we shut down too. I gleefully crawled back into bed.

I'm really a little surprised we got the day off. I haven't been out driving, but I've walked on the roads, and even this morning at 5 they seemed less slick than yesterday. Also, it's warmer today, and I expect the overpasses and bridges that iced over yesterday probably didn't today, or at least not as much. Perhaps our president just decided that we needed a day off. I really think it's a good thing (even though it messes up my classes by putting one ahead of the others). The girls were all cranky and tired yesterday, disappointed in the weather and worried about their classmate. We've heard nothing new on her condition other than they are continuing to do MRIs to determine how extensive her head injuries are. I do not believe she has regained consciousness yet, although we were told she was squeezing family members' hands when they would talk to her. So our fingers are crossed and our prayers are active. But this gives the students a chance to go home, relax, and calm their minds. It makes for a great Groundhog Day.

And the little weasel even predicted an early spring. Who knew?

There are few things as frustrating in the world of education as a snow day that almost was.

In our little corner of the mid-South, we've come to understand that winter weather rarely means snow. This part of the country is simply a little too far south to get much in the way of wintry precipitation. Instead, if a storm moves through, we're more likely to get some ice, sleet, maybe hail, and otherwise just a miserably cold rain. I love the FoxTrot cartoon where the daughter is standing in the cold rain, stating, "Dante had it wrong. Hell is 33 degrees." That's our winter here.

So when a winter storm headed our way yesterday, everyone was in an uproar. The local city governments, determined to be better prepared than Oklahoma was a few months ago, sprayed down the roadways well in advance with antifreeze chemicals. They gathered sand to dump on the overpasses. And they checked the plows to see that they were geared up and ready to go. All day long we waited, watching a clear, cold day turn gray and ominous. Around dinnertime, a few scatter flakes appeared in the sky. I was still at school at that point, and the few students still around started squealing, "It's SNOWING!!!" I hopped in my car and headed home, gassing it up on the way to make sure it wasn't sitting around with an eighth of a tank (sad experience taught me gas lines can freeze when the tank is low). Others had the same idea, because there were lines at the gas stations and cars filling the grocery store parking lots. No one wants to get stuck at home for a couple days with no food. (Bill Engvall has a great riff on this: "Up to an inch of snow is headed to your area. We urge you to steal food, hoard gas. If you are an elderly American, you will not make it through this storm. An inch of snow, folks. Enough snow to make a footprint is headed to your area.") When I went to bed, I snuggled in with the satisfaction that I would get to sleep in and take a leisurely day to catch up on grading, lesson plans, and all those other fun things teachers get to do when they aren't at school (whoever thinks teachers only work from 7:30-3:30 is a complete moron).

So when I got up at 4 this morning to walk the dog, I was terribly disappointed to see, well, NOTHING. There was a little ice on my car, some on the steps and the porch railing, and the grass was crunchy in places, but the roads and sidewalks were simply wet. I was so dismayed I didn't feel like heading to the gym, so I sadly crawled back into bed. I was cruelly awakened by my husband's coworker calling at 5--I had high hopes it was the school calling to tell us they were canceling anyway. But no. I gave myself a few extra minutes on the way to work, thinking I might hit some slick patches on overpasses, but nothing at all.

The girls, of course, are despondent. They really needed a break, too. After coming back from Christmas break, they have to start second semester with enthusiam and energy (which doesn't happen). The season tends to be a bit depressing, and they've all got the flu and strep too. So everyone is weak and tired and sickly. To top it off, two of our students were in a bad car accident on Tuesday, and one is still in the hospital with pretty serious injuries. The girls are upset, concerned, and for many of them this is the first brush with their own mortality. So they could have used a mental health day.

And of all days, Thursday would have been perfect. It's the only day of the week I have all my classes (we teach a rotating block schedule), so no class would have gotten behind anyone else.

Oh well.