Unexpected

 259.7

I'll be honest: I didn't see this weight coming today. 

My husband and I went out to dinner last night as a late anniversary date night (our 27th anniversary was this past Friday). We went to a nice Mexican restaurant in town. 

Restaurants have always posed a challenge for me. I don't like bringing food home from restaurants. I'm not much of a leftovers person anyway--things rarely taste as good reheated as they did the first time, and I knew I had leftovers in the fridge from our camping trip. I was raised as a "clean your plate" kid, so leaving food behind if I'm not going to finish it also has a psychological effect. There's also something satisfying about leaving a restaurant stuffed. It makes me feel like I've gotten my money's worth. And the free chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants are a problem because they're so mindless: you sit there and shovel them into your mouth, one after the other, as you look through the menu, and if you run out, they'll bring you more. By the time they bring you your actual meal, you've eaten 300+ calories worth of chips and salsa that your brain doesn't even register.

I deliberately stopped myself as I munched through the chips. I think my husband might have noticed, because he stopped too, and we left about half a basket of chips uneaten on the table. But this was a very conscious decision on my part: I easily could've continued eating. I WANTED to, in fact. 

Then there was the meal itself. I tried to choose something that seemed like it wasn't going to be a giant portion: a combo plate of a taco, a burrito, beans, and rice. Again, I made a conscious decision to stop partway through, although I did feel myself filling up a bit. I tried to eat more slowly, pausing between bites to talk to my husband, look around the room, etc. I ended up only eating a couple of bites of the beans and rice, leaving most of that untouched, and I ate maybe 2/3-3/4 of the burrito and left at least one bite of taco behind. That felt especially weird; like, who doesn't eat a whole taco? 

But I easily could've eaten it all. I know I could've; I strongly considered it. When the waiter asked if I wanted a small box, I said no, because there wasn't enough of the burrito and taco for me to really feel like a meal, and while I love beans and rice, it's not the same when you reheat them. 

I did feel full afterward, but I don't know that it was a strong enough feeling right away to have created an "oh my gosh I can't finish this" feeling in me. 

So while I did think that I had done a pretty good job keeping myself from overdoing it, I still really figured that I wouldn't see a loss on the scale this morning. I figured I'd still be in the 260 range. And now that I'm thinking about it, that was a whole .6 down from yesterday, more than half a pound. Definitely unexpected. 

I'm left wondering, of course, the same things I mentioned yesterday. Is my willpower truly my own? I really felt like eating more. I almost did. But I ultimately did not. Did the medication help me make that decision? I don't know.  I have one more dose at this lowest strength and then it'll up itself the next time, so I'll definitely be waiting to compare that with how things have gone this month.

The week after we came back from our vacation, prior to my taking my first shot, I actually gained a couple of pounds. That first morning after I'd taken my shot, I was at 268.9.  Two weeks and a couple of days later, I'm down about 9 lbs from that. I don't know if that's a reasonable weight loss, something to expect for a while, or if it's going to vary significantly. I'm sure it will vary some. But man, if I could keep this up for the duration of the shots I have (through the end of October) I will have lost close to forty pounds by my birthday, and that would be so amazing. And if I could keep it up past that, I could potentially be close to 200 lbs by the time we go skiing in March, and that would be incredible. 

I need to add in physical activity; that's next on my list.

Progress

 260.3

I was camping all weekend, so I had to take my shot with me. I bought a little case to keep my supplies in the regular fridge and then a smaller cooler pouch I could take with me and keep in the fridge in the trailer. 

I was really curious as to how the weekend would go. Some people's camping trips focus on hiking or hunting or kayaking. Our trips these days tend to focus on food. 

What are we eating for breakfast each day? How many lunches do we need to prep for? What do we want for dinner each night? Are we making desserts? Do we have s'mores supplies? 

Also, I find food on camping trips tends to be a comfort thing. It tastes better outside, I swear. I've always gone back for seconds. I've always had desserts. So I really didn't know what to expect. 

I didn't overdo it when I thought I would. One serving, not a big serving, and that was it. I felt overly full after lunch one day, even though I didn't feel like I consumed as much as I previously might have. 

I've wondered several times with my limiting my portion sizes and stopping myself after just one serving: is my will power my own? Is it bolstered by the medication? Or am I making better choices because it's on my mind? 

I don't really know the answer to that. But I'm relieved to see myself closing in on a milestone. I certainly never thought I'd weigh more than 260 lbs at any point in my life. I'm really hoping that if I cross back over that line this week, that will be the last time I see those numbers. I'm two weeks and three shots in, and I am seeing improvement on the scale. I now need to stay adding in movement. My fitness can't just be tied to my weight. So I need to figure out to ways to get my stamina up.

Oopsie

 265.8

I took my second shot today. As I prepared to do so, I realized I made a mistake last week and only gave myself half of the dosage that I should have. 

Oopsie.

Allow me to explain how I managed to be stupid. When I got my shipment of medication, I noted a lack of comprehensive instructions. There were three packets, each containing a 2 mL vial of medication, several syringes, and alcohol wipes. Each packet was labeled with the prescription info, the medication strength, and the weeks it was to be administered: 1-4, 5-8, 9-12. There was also a card with instructions about how to give yourself a shot. 

What it didn't contain was how much medication to put into each syringe. They were all 1 mL syringes; each vial was 2 mL. I saw on each label that the information about the medication was slightly different. The first week's vial said .25 of a particular medication, the second said .5, and the third said 1. I knew o was supposed to be starting with the lighter dosage and then stepping up over the course of twelve weeks.

So, I figured I had to fill the syringe to .25 mL for my first doses. So that's what I did last week. 

But today, since it was about time for my next dose, I went ahead and got out all the materials out. I had bought myself a storage case and a travel case that I can use to keep the stuff in while in the fridge to keep everything cool. 

As I looked everything over, I started thinking. If I truly only needed .25 each dose from the first vial, that would only use up half the vial. But the vial was packaged for weeks 1-4. If the second set of doses was .5, that would use up the second vial. But then if the third set was 1 each, but the vial only had 2 mL, I'd be short some medication.

I then really thought about each vial. If each vial truly had four doses, that meant they had to be .5 mL each. Then I realized it wasn't the amount of liquid that was stepping up but rather the strength of the medication in the liquid. The .25, .5, and 1 referred to the strength of the compounded medications, not the size. 

🤦‍♀️ 

They really should've included that in the instructions. 

Anyway, I gave myself a shot that was .5 mL of the medication in vial #1. I should have plenty left for the next two doses before I step up to the next vial. 

I really am smart; I swear.

Day 2

 268.8

I *might* have experienced my first side effects this morning? I felt...off. Not quite nauseous or anything like that, but just a little...squicky. I had a little bit of a headache, too. That could be because I didn't drink enough water. It could also be that I ate too much and/or too late--my husband made sourdough bread and I had a couple of pieces after 8:30 pm, well after the time I should stop eating for the day. 

Anyway, the feeling went away, so I'll just have to be aware of how I'm feeling the next few days. My friends who have taken weight loss medication have indicated that the side effects they noticed didn't show up until a couple days after the shot.

I haven't given much thought to meal planning yet. I guess that's going to be the next step in the process, and then figuring out how to get more active.

Still driving that river, six years later

 268.9 

Wow, time flies when life happens, it something like that. 

Anyway, I'm coming back to this blog after stuff years to address something I talked about years ago: weight loss. 

As you can see if you refer back to previous posts, you can see that I've gained about 50 lbs over the past six years. There are many reasons for this, one of the most significant being perimenopause. 

But I'm trying to take action to improve my health and well-being, and I want to use this blog to document my efforts. 

Last night, I took my first shot of a compounded semaglutide. I'm starting at .25 ml for each of the first four weeks and then increasing the dosage. 

I took this expensive step (my insurance, sadly, will not cover this) because I'm at a loss (haha) at to how to lose weight. My metabolism has slowed to a crawl (although my desire to eat has not), and I'm so terribly tired and achy that I have zero motivation to work out. 

What sealed the deal was something that happened in my vacation. We were in Seattle and had gone to Pike Place Market. My teenage sons led us down towards the water to a pier where we took pictures and played large-scale chess. When we climbed back up the many, many stairs, I struggled mightily. I had to pause every five or six stairs to take a break. I was sweaty, miserable, and completely exhausted by the time we got up the stairs, up the hill, and back to the parked car. When we got to our next sightseeing location--a car collection--I opted to stay behind and sit out the tour. The realization that I couldn't keep up with my family was sobering and saddening. 

I have several friends taking various weight loss medications. A coworker had looked at some of the non-insurance options, so I had a little research going in. I looked at a few possibilities and found that many of them included subscriptions to apps or programs that doubled the cost. I settled on TrimRx because it didn't include the extra cost of the program, just the medication itself. 

I received my first shipment, containing the dosages for weeks 1-4, 5-8, and 9-12. It also contained syringes and prep pads since these aren't preloaded doses. 

I had to look up instructions on their website for how to prepare and administer each dose. It's a little daunting to do it on my own with little guidance, so I'm hoping I did it right. It was also a little tricky because all the printing, numbers, and lines on the bottle and syringe are tiny and my near vision is not what it once was.

I decided to do my weekly dose on Friday evenings. My thinking was that if I had some kind of adverse reaction the first time, my husband would be here (he leaves this Sunday for a week out of town for work), and also if I suffered some side effects from the medication like nausea, I would have an immediate nighttime of sleep and a whole weekend before I had to interact with people.

I think I administered my shot correctly, but it was difficult to see past my boobs. I should probably have done it in the bathroom where I could see in a mirror rather than in my kitchen, but the kitchen has counter space and is closer to the fridge that I'm keeping the medication in. 

The only initial reaction I noticed was a mild stinging sensation around the injection site a few minutes after the shot, lasting about ten minutes. According to what I've read, that's likely because the medication is cold. 

So, it's been more than twelve hours now since my shot. I haven't really noticed anything yet. So far I've had my morning cup of coffee, a bowl of fruit and yogurt, and a few slices of cheese. We'll see what the rest of the day brings.

Sad

Did something this morning that made me very sad...I unfriended two of my original students on Facebook.

In all of this chaos over the murder of George Floyd and the subsequent protests and riots, it has been very telling to see who has posted what. Some people have been very vocal in their support the entire movement including the rioting, some have been supportive of Black Lives Matter but still condemn the violence, and some have remained silent. I understand these positions, although the people who choose to remain silent on the subject are enjoying their privilege to do so. I have agreed with some, I have disagreed with others, and I have unfollowed a few.

So the unfriending of these two ladies that I love dearly has struck me in a very particularly deep way. I made my choice to do so because of the voices they were choosing very specifically to amplify. Neither posted anything decrying the murder of George Floyd, and neither posted anything in support of even peaceful protests. Instead, each of them chose to post social media videos and posts from Candance Owens and Terrence K. Williams, two Black people very vocal in their support of President Trump and the Republican party and their lack of support for the struggles of their own people. These posts accuse Black people of living in the past and relying on their race for excuses, and George Floyd of being a criminal who shouldn't have gotten arrested in the first place.

I struggled with the decision--should I simply unfollow them to remain connected to them on social media without seeing what they posted? Should I block all the hateful voices they chose to amplify over the thousands of other voices who are crying out for help and just keep around the "fun" things they post? What finally sealed the deal for me, so to speak, was the way one of the ladies worded her post of Candace Owens (who said she did not support George Floyd). She said something to the effect that she was sad that George Floyd had died and she believed racism was real but that she also "believed in this woman and what she had to say" and that "anyone who thought this woman did not deserve to voice her opinion could unfriend her" (the quotations are to the best of my recollection because after unfriending this lady I could not see the post and therefore could not guarantee that I was quoting her correctly).

I thought really hard about that. I could easily block the post. I could easily unfollow. But those two parts, "believing in that woman" and believing that she should voice her opinion, really hit me. If she really does believe in that woman, then she has not learned the empathy and critical thinking skills that I should have taught her. Could I still teach her those things now? Maybe, but I have to stop thinking of those students I had as "girls" or even "young ladies". They are now in their early 30's, many of them married with children and careers. They are living the lives they have chosen, and they are both choosing to disregard the lives that others cannot choose BUT live. And I thought about the statement that Candace Owens deserves to voice her opinion.

Everyone has opinions, and everyone has the right to voice their opinions. Absolutely true.

But opinions are not truths. Opinions are things we form based on our preferences, our experiences, and our biases. My sons don't really like most vegetables. That's true, although they tend to avoid eating vegetables they've never tried before based on their previous experiences with different vegetables. This is problematic, because vegetables are healthy and they need to eat them to be healthy. So their opinion, which is formed based on limited experience, could be harmful to them and is limiting their experiences further.

Some opinions are formed despite significant evidence to the contrary. There are people whose opinions include things like "man hasn't actually landed on the moon" and "the Earth is actually flat". They have these opinions despite the evidence to the contrary. They have those opinions, and those opinions are flat out wrong. The opinion that Black people do not suffer oppression and do not deserve justice is not only flat out wrong, it is harmful and hateful and very much at odds with lots of evidence to the contrary.

So I did not unfriend these ladies because Candace Owens doesn't have a right to say her opinion; I unfriended them because Candace Owens' opinion is wrong and harmful and hateful and they have chosen to buy into that rather than listen to the voices of others. I feel like I have failed these ladies because I should have taught them empathy and critical thinking skills which they seem to now be lacking.

I do not and never will hate these ladies. They are special to my heart. But I needed to do something to let them know my disapproval of their choices and willful ignorance, and maybe my loss of respect for them might make some kind of an impact, since all my words this week apparently have not.

Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?

229.8

Wow, it's been less than a week since my last post, and the world has truly fallen apart. The same day I posted about Christian Cooper, the African American birder in New York who nearly fell victim to a "swat" by a racist white woman in Central Park, our worst fears were realized in the murder of George Floyd, an African American man in Minneapolis who was killed during his arrest for what was believed to be a fake $20 bill (it wasn't). He did not resist. He was cuffed and thrown on the ground, and an officer knelt on the back of his neck. George Floyd begged to be let up, pleading with the officer that he could not breathe, that he was in pain, that they were killing him. He cried for his mother (who died two years ago). And then he died. The officer knelt on his neck for more than eight minutes. Three other officers looked on while it happened. It took four days for the Minneapolis Police Department to arrest the officer--oh, excuse me, "former officer" because they did fire him--for murder. The other three officers were not arrested and did not lose their jobs. And predictably, there have been riots in most major cities around the country as people protest a racist system that serves and protects dirty cops far more than it serves and protects minority populations.

I am angry. I am angry that George Floyd was murdered. I am angry that the only reason we know about it is because someone happened to film it. I am angry that it took four days to arrest the officer and that the other officers, who were very much complicit, still walk free. I am angry at the number of friends I have on social media who "tut tutted" over George Floyd's murder but have spent much more time and many more words decrying the looting that is occurring, despite evidence that the looting is a small portion of the protesting and seems to be mostly committed by outsiders (especially white outsiders). I am angry at my social media friends for saying things like "THEY are being divisive" and "THEY are destroying their message" without understanding that the people saying "THEY" are the ones being divisive by not recognizing that it isn't "their" message, it's "OUR" message.

I want to rage. I want to grab these people and shake them. I want them to understand what it means to be oppressed. I want them to feel a taste, just a taste, of what people of color have experienced in the past 400 years.

And if I'm that mad--a white upper class woman who experiences tremendous privilege--just imagine how actual members of the Black community feel.