Monday, January 29, 2007



"A Champion Until the End"
"The first flowers arrived on the morning after the Preakness, a breezy and sunlit springtime Sunday that turned the rolling hills a brilliant shade of green in Pennsylvania horse country south of Philadelphia. Signs were hung from the wooden fence rails outside the New Bolton Center, where Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was being treated for what surgeons would soon call "catastrophic'' injuries to his right hind leg. A family arrived with a bunch of carrots and asked that they be given to the horse.

The love never ceased. When May turned to June and then June to July and it appeared that Barbaro might steadily be winning a battle for survival that surgeon Dr. Dean Richardson called, from the very beginning, "a coin toss,'' the tokens came less frequently. It was as if the public felt the big horse no longer needed its care because he was doing so well on his own.

But in the second week of July, when Barbaro developed a terrible case of laminitis in his left hind foot -- the good one -- the flowers again began piling up at the hospital. After Christmas he appeared to be doing better, but he suffered a severe setback last week when he developed an abscess in his right hind foot and had to undergo another surgery. The pain was too much for the horse to bear. When he was euthanized on Monday, a profound sadness fell across the sport, and far beyond, touching humans in ways they could not explain.

His passing can be measured in many ways. The sport lost a giant talent who might have won the Triple Crown (he might, in fact, have dominated the Triple Crown; more on that later). It lost a sire whose impact might have been felt for many generations to follow. It lost a champion whose class and bravery -- before and after his injury -- were inspiring and lent a visceral touch to a sport that is rapidly becoming disconnected from human emotions.

His passing, upon further review, is immeasurable.

I first watched him run in a small video box on the desktop of the Apple laptop on which I'm writing these words, winning the Florida Derby. The book on Barbaro was that he was a front-runner who would wilt when pressed on the lead. On that day, he was pressed nearly to the wire by Sharp Humor and won the race. Granted, Sharp Humor was just a tough sprinter stretching out, but still....

Three weeks later I met with Michael Matz, Barbaro's trainer, in a spotless tack room at Delaware Park race track. We talked about Matz's epic history. As the survivor and hero in a 1989 plane crash. As an Olympic medalist in 1996. And we talked about Barbaro. I could not have imagined that less than nine months later, Barbaro would be humanely destroyed less than half an hour away. Of course, that is a reality of horse racing. Sometimes horses are injured and sometimes they cannot be saved.

Three weeks before the Kentucky Derby, as I sat and wrote about Matz, my cell phone chirped. On the other end was Sports Illustrated photographer Bill Frakes, who was shooting the pictures that would accompany my story. "Have you seen this horse?'' Frakes asked. I had not.

"`Wait until you do,'' said Frakes. Five days before the Derby I was walking the Churchill Downs backstretch and passed Matz, who was riding alongside Barbaro and exercise rider/assistant trainer Peter Brette. Frakes was right. What a majestic animal. There are beautiful horses who cannot run fast; we already knew that Barbaro was fast and now to see him in the flesh was breathtaking.

Barbaro won the Kentucky Derby in the manner of an athlete who is evolved beyond his peers. He cut a massive, striking pose in the Derby paddock before the race, taller and more muscled than the others in the race. The breeding industry buzz had been that Barbaro would one day do his best running on the grass. As Barbaro circled the Churchill paddock, Jill Baffert, the wife of three-time Derby-winning trainer Bob Baffert, turned to her husband and said, "You better hope he's a grass horse.''

He might have been, but he was brilliant on dirt. He won the Kentucky Derby by six lengths without feeling jockey Edgar Prado's whip. Eight days later I talked with Prado in the jocks' cafeteria at Belmont Park, and he could scarcely find the words to describe the feel of sitting on Barbaro's back.

Matz lightened up on Barbaro leading to the Preakness, until putting one stiff, short breeze into him two days before the race. Barbaro was so full of himself that Matz had to gallop him on the morning of the Preakness, just to take the edge off.

There are very wise handicappers who suggest that Bernardini would have beaten Barbaro in the Preakness. The absolute and obvious truth is that we will never know, but that is a towering presumption. Barbaro never lost a race. He was dominant in the Kentucky Derby and razor sharp before the Preakness. It is hard for me to envision him losing. Perhaps I would have felt differently if Bernardini had proven himself a great racehorse, which he did not.

Yet this is the point, is it not?

We can debate forever why we feel pain at losing Barbaro. There is a significant lobby out there that despises the fact that horses are bred to race. (Trust me, I have heard from this lobby). It is a fair point.

For me, pain came from the other side of that same coin and it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks at the Preakness. In the minutes before the race, I stood with owners Roy and Gretchen Jackson on the infield grass at Pimlico, so close that I could have reached out and patted Barbaro on his forehead (which I did not). He was stunningly ready to race, a mass of barely contained muscle and veins. (Maybe of all that energy signified something more ominous; we'll never know that either).

Moments later I stood on the Pimlico dirt as track attendants and veterinarians tried to steady Barbaro on three legs. The magnificent horse tossed his head about and tried to break free. All I could think was: He wants to race. I could feel a huge lump in my throat. Barbaro was bred to run and couldn't understand now why he was being restrained from doing so.

Now that he is gone, there is another sort of sadness altogether, a sadness at never learning what Barbaro might have done. He has a place in history. No horse has ever won the Derby and broken down in the Preakness so publicly and so sadly.

In a much larger sense, Barbaro leaves that deepest of empty wells, of greatness never fulfilled. Many wise people thought he would win the Triple Crown, ending a drought that is approaching three decades. He might have run a memorable Preakness and few doubted that he would have been nearly unbeatable in the Belmont, with his long, swift stride that it seemed he could carry forever.

On June 9, 1973, Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths in the untouchable time of two minutes, 24 seconds. People of many ages can tell you that as Big Red opened 15 lengths on the turn, track announcer Chic Anderson intoned, "He is moving like a tremendous machine.'' Barbaro might have given us another moment like that.

We will never know and that will always pain us most."

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/tim_layden/01/29/barbaro.obit/index.html

Friday, January 26, 2007

I've been pretty lazy this week; I'll admit it. I've only managed to make two morning workouts this week, Monday and Wednesday. This morning a headache drove back to bed for an hour and a half. Oh well. I'll try harder next week.

My eating hasn't been great either, but I'm keeping it mostly in check by only bringing enough to school for the day. If I binge and eat it all at once, well, it means I don't have anything to eat for the rest of the day. It seems to help. I just need to keep it up, and to watch out for those days that could cause me problems. We had cake served on Monday as a special treat, and I managed to avoid it completely. We have another cake day (I know, MY high school never gave us cake!) this Thursday, so I need to be ever vigilant and avoid the location they serve it from. It's a shame, too, because wherever they get these cakes, they are really good, with a cream cheese frosting between the layers. Yum!

Anyway, the damage from the week hasn't been that bad: last night I weighed in at 176 and this morning I was 175. I know the weigh-ins vary a lot from morning to night and from day to day, but I don't think my average for the week is that bad. I just need to really do a better job about getting to the gym.

I've been stymied in the afternoons about where and how to work out. I haven't figured out when our weight room at school is available--I've tried several times and found it either occupied or locked. I'm reluctant to go outside after lacrosse practice and run, either around the track or aroudn the neighborhood, because they lock the building for security reasons, and after about 4:30 in the afternoon it is really hard to find someone to let me back in. I'd hate to be locked out without my car keys and purse. I don't have any weights or anything in my classroom that I could use. That would have been a possibility, but now I don't really have the money to buy anything, and I don't have many weeks of swimming left anyway. Next week is the last week of our regular season, and the week after that is our league championship. After that, the only swimmers I'll have will be those who are attending the state championship meet at the end of February, and most of those swimmers do not practice with our high school team (long story). So there will be some days I may not have anyone coming to practice and I can go home after lacrosse.

I'm seriously considering making this my final season of coaching high school swimming. I've coached this particular team for three seasons, and another high school for the four years prior to this. During that time I've shown up to countless practices and not had any swimmers show up. It's incredibly frustrating, and compounded by the fact that I live 45 minutes away from where we practice. Swimming means late nights for me, and I only see my family for about 45 minutes before I'm ready for bed (that getting up at 4 thing doesn't help, either). I'm currently searching for other locations in town where we might practice earlier in the day, but it's not looking good. If I can't move practice earlier, I'm going to give it up. I just need to start thinking more about me and my family. It's not like I get paid well for this, anyway. But I will miss it if this is truly the end. I've coached swimming in some form or another for almost ten years, and I've been involved in swimming for over fifteen years. That's a big chunk of time, and it will be strange to not have it in my life. But I do think it might be time for a change.

On to a random note: in the mornings as I drive to work, I pass a number of fields that in warmer seasons are filled with a variety of crops. In the winter mornings and evenings, these fields are either frosted over or covered with a strange layer of fog (southern fog is interesting because there will be a big, thick patch of it in one place, and suddenly you'll drive past it and into the clear. It sort of settles in the hollows). But the other thing you'll see in these fields is birds. They cover the ground and the bare trees. Thousands, probably millions of birds. My ornithology is a bit sketchy, and I have no real idea what kinds of birds these might be, but they are plentiful to say the least. And watching them is amazing (and a bit hazardous, as I'm driving at speeds above 65 miles per hour, most of the time). They will swirl up out of the trees and into the sky, sometimes settling back down, other times making this amazing feathery trail across the sky. These swarms of birds make a dark ribbon in the sky that could be a mile long and contain millions of birds. And no matter which direction the flock twists and turns, they never seem to run into each other. It's amazing to see. Just don't crash your car while you watch them.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Thank goodness! My team curse did not carry through to the Indianapolis Colts! They made a terrific comeback, taking down the Patriots after falling behind early. So we will see a nice matchup between a high-powered Colts passing offense and a mean Bears defense (has there ever been any other kind?). This should be great. I hope Manning and the Colts win, so the poor guy can tell everyone who has criticized him for not getting the job done when it counted that they can just shut the heck up. So, Super Bowl XLI (that would be 41 for those people who are Roman numerically challenged) in two weeks.

My next concern? Why don't they play the Super Bowl in a real football location? What's up with it always being a warm-weather climate or a dome? Every Super Bowl should be played in Denver, or Green Bay, or Chicago. Wussy fans.

On to Miami!
The football woes continue. My Chargers are out as of last week, and my husband's Eagles are out as well. So I focused my attention on the New Orleans Saints. They have two former Chargers on the team that I'm still fond of, and most of their players seem to be pretty good guys. The city of New Orleans, and really much of Louisiana, who have had such a terrible time in the aftermath of Hurrican Katrina, have really had their spirits lifted by the wonderful season of the Saints. They've had something to cheer about, as the successes of the Saints have rolled on. But I've just watched them be systematically taken apart by a dominating Chicago Bears defense in the NFC championship game. And so their magical season will come to an end.

It isn't that I dislike Chicago. I actually sort of like their team. I selected their defense as my first pick of our fantasy football league's draft, and they are a large reason I came in second overall. I remember the vaunted Bears' defense of my youth, and the Super Bowl shuffle and all that. So I'm OK with the Bears. But I had such high hopes for the Saints, since my own team got knocked out.

And it also worries me a little that the teams I like to root for are somehow jinxed in some way. Like my rooting for them is the sole reason they come up short. And I desperately want the Patriots to lose this next game against the Colts. Maybe I should root for the Pats...
I'm trying something interesting...let's see if it works. I'm not great at HTML or anything like that; it's been years since I had to use it to have my own website. But I'm bored with the templates for the Blogger sites, and I'm going to try to redo my template a little at a time. Don't know how it will go. Let me know what you think...

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I'm so tired. I made my 5:00 a.m. workout two mornings in a row. But I'm thankful that I don't teach any classes on Wednesday afternoons, because I'm worn out. Had a great workout this morning: did 600 calories in under 42 minutes on the elliptical machine, lifted arms for about 15 minutes, but I'm just tired tired tired. And I want to eat. I'm doing OK as far as food goes so far this week, because I've only brought enough food for the day (I'm not leaving it in my desk anymore, since I was binging on it). But I'm super hungry! I'm tempted to start prowling around, asking coworkers for food. I know it is good that I'm hungry, because it means my metabolism is cranked up and running, but I'm afraid that if I don't eat, the metabolism will give up and shut down, and if I DO find something to eat, I'll get started and not stop.

I need suggestions about foods that really fill you up and are really satisfying without being laden with calories. Any suggestions?

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Depressed. My Chargers lost to the Patriots in the playoffs. My husband's team, the Philadelphia Eagles, dropped out last night. Guess there is no one left to root for, except the New Orleans Saints. If our teams can't be the ones to win, it must be the Saints. Go Saints.

And I hope someone sacks Tom Brady really, really hard...

Friday, January 12, 2007

I was a suck out again yesterday and today. Didn't work out yesterday morning since I was shooting for M/W/F. So that was OK, but then I did a stupid thing: I ate half a large pizza at dinner. Why? Because it was there. This is where that binge personality causes me problems, and I have been having those problems this week. That pizza would explain why there was almost a four-pound difference between yesterday's morning weigh-in and the evening one, and why there was a two-pound difference between yesterday's morning weigh-in and today's. Pizza has got to be one of the most evil substances out there. Add to the fact that I wussed out this morning and didn't make it to the gym, and we have a fat perfect storm. Bleah. I think my sleeping difficulties stemmed partly from the fact that I had a lot of soda to drink, hence a lot of caffeine. When the four o'clock alarm went off, I shut it off and went back to sleep. Not good. I need to have better willpower than that.

Portion control is probably my number one biggest problem when it comes to weight loss. I grew up cleaning a full plate of food, and usually going back for seconds. When I stopped participating in competitive sports, I didn't stop the eating that accompanied the activity. I've never quite figured out how to restrict myself to a reasonable amount of food. Most often this is a problem at home. We'll make a meal, maybe Hamburger Helper or something, but instead of eating whatever the actual serving size is, it gets split in two, so we're really eating probably three servings each. We generally don't have time to cook a meal and divide it up ahead of time into portions, and we always end up eating more than we should. I've tried eating on a smaller plate; I end up going back for seconds. Restaurants are the same way. I know you should order the food and immediately ask for a box and package up the food so you only eat part of it, but how do you handle being too lazy to ask for the box? I'm too lazy to take it home, but too much of a glutton to leave food uneaten.

At work I try to control my portions by only eating prepackaged food. I bring boxes of raisins, granola bars, microwave popcorn, those 100-calorie bags of chips and fruit snacks, and Healthy Choice frozen meals and microwaveable soup bowls. But again, I'll get going on something, and I won't stop. I'll eat one granola bar, and it tastes really good, so I'll eat another one. Those fruit snacks are tasty, so I'll have three bags of them. It's like every food is Pringles: once I pop, I can't stop. I keep all this food here because it's more convenient than having to bring more food every day. But that just means I've got food available for binging.

I know what I have to do, and how much I should eat, but I don't make myself do it. How do you make yourself have willpower? This is what I struggle with. It isn't the actual physical stuff; working out isn't hard for me, once I'm there. But how do I make myself get there? How do I change this negative aspect of my personality? Can anyone tell me? It's very frustrating, and I don't know how to fix it.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Well, I've hit a snag on the workout trail.

I was fine this morning; got up at 4:00 like a good little maniac so I could walk the dog, eat breakfast, and hit the gym. This was my second morning workout this week. I'm trying to ease into the full 5-day schedule.

But I was feeling oddly motivated, and, with my papers graded (see, I'm being good and getting my work graded promptly), I decided I'd squeeze in a second workout today. So I headed upstairs in our school gym to the weight room to scope the place out, see what machines and things we've got available, and maybe lift some weights or something.

BUT HORRORS! The weight room was full of 8th grade boys (the worst kind!); I assume it's the boys' basketball team or something (the high school is girls only, but the rest of the school is coed--at times). One of the last things in the world I really want to do is share a weight room with a bunch of 8th grade boys. I felt my enthusiasm towards my second workout of the day slip away. So now I'm back in my classroom, weighing (interesting how often that word can come up) my options.

First of all, what to do about today? I could work at the reorganization of my classroom, certainly, and that probably is what I'll end up doing. Or I could go for a run outside, either on the track here at the school or around the neighborhood. Not my favorite option. First of all, we've established that I don't like to run, anywhere. But I really don't want to run here, where there are students around to be judgmental (at least in my mind they will be). I don't know why I care, but I do. I'm embarrassed. I didn't bring my swim suit, so a quick swim before practice is out. Guess a forced reorganization it is.

Then, there is the question of what to do on subsequent nights. I could go through the effort of e-mailing all the coaches to find out what group or groups use the weight room in the evenings. I could commit to the dreaded run in the afternoons instead of weight training. I could drive down to my gym, squeeze in a quick workout, and drive back up for practice (unlikely, especially with my lacrosse and swimming seasons starting their annual overlap--I won't get done with lacrosse usually until about 5, which wouldn't leave me enough time to get to the gym, work out, and get back in time for my 7 o'clock swim practice). I could go purchase hand weights, a yoga mat, and a toner ball and work out in my classroom (I've been tempted to do this before, but I suppose the nightly cleaning crew would find me a little odd--like they don't already). Or I could start packing my swim suit and a second towel and start heading to the pool right after I finish with whatever my afternoon obligations are. That is my most preferred option: I like to swim, nobody will look at me weird because everyone there is doing it and I'm not that bad at it anyway, and I'll be able to just drag myself out of the pool and start practice with no down time or anything in between.

I've only got six more weeks to worry about it anyway, because once swimming is done I can just head down to the gym after lacrosse practice, work out, and go home.

But because swimming isn't a great weight loss work out (your body actually will keep a layer of fat as a defense against cold water and drowning--your body likes to be warm and buoyant), I'll need to work extra hard in my morning workouts, every morning, to make up for it. I improved this morning over Monday; Monday I burned 600 calories in about 47 minutes. Today I hit 600 in just over 45, and I went to 48. I'm working myself up to an hour. Perhaps I can also alternate in the mornings, doing an hour of cardio two mornings each week and doing twenty minutes of cardio, twenty minutes of leg weights, and twenty minutes of arm weights (or something like that) the other three days. We'll see. I'll examine the machines at the gym later this week (we got a whole bunch of new ones at the end of the year, and I haven't tried any of them yet) and see what might make a good workout.

*sigh* Well, now that the whole working out thing is worked out (like how nicely I got that in there? You knew it was coming, right?), on to the reorganization project. I've got a pile of crap on my desk here that needs to be pawed through and thrown or squirreled away somewhere. Yippee.
You know, now that I've had a day to digest the exciting fact that my favorite baseball player is going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, I've been thinking about the circumstances surrounding this particular year's ballot class.

A number of players included on the ballot this year have the taint of performance-enhancing substances on them. A number of the players are admitted steroid users (Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco), and others are suspected or accused (Mark McGwire being the specific player everyone is focusing on). At least two sportswriters who received ballots to cast (and there are some 500 ballots cast) chose to leave the entire ballot blank in what they felt was a protest against the nearly unchecked use of steroids in major league baseball during the late 80's and early 90's. Fine, if you really feel the need to make the statement. But a number of people, some athletes, others fellow sports writers, and a whole lot of fans, are ticked off at the perceived snub to Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken, Jr., the two athletes selected to the Hall this year. Both received enough votes to have two of the top ten voting percentages of all time, with Ripken 3rd and Gwynn 7th. But especially Ripken was close to being the first person voted into the Hall unanimously. Many people are angry at these two sports writers who turned in blank ballots because they feel it's an insult to those two players, neither of whom is likely to have used performance-enhancing drugs during their careers (I mean, if you look at Cal Ripken, yeah, he played in several thousand consecutive games, but he's a little skinny dude first of all, and secondly steroid users often end up with horrific injuries because they push their bodies beyond what the human body is capable of handling; Ripken wouldn't have survived that many games as a user. And Gwynn? I love the guy, but the only performance enhancers he's used have been Twinkies and tacos. I mean, look at the guy, even when he was in his prime. No 'roids there.)

I on the other hand am not necessarily angry at these two sports writers. I think there are better ways to make a statement, but OK. What I want to know is, who are the other two or three numbnuts who didn't vote for Ripken and Gwynn? WTF? What were they thinking?

Nick Canepa of the San Diego Union-Tribune made some good points over the weekend (before the results were in):

I never will vote for McGwire. Others will. They'll leave him off the first ballot “to teach him a lesson.” What lesson? Unless he owns up – and my Ouija Board says he won't – there never will be proof that he did or didn't, because baseball had no testing policy during the infamous Steroid Era.

There is at least one writer who won't vote for Gwynn or Ripken because they performed during the Steroid Era. I haven't spent much time around Ripken, but if Gwynn took steroids, then I'm Charles Dickens.

Besides, if you don't vote for a player on the first ballot, what makes him viable the next time? Have his numbers improved? Some Hall voters I just don't get, probably because they're sportswriters.

What the hell do we know? We seem convinced McGwire and Barry Bonds did steroids and yet we're basically positive Ken Griffey Jr., the most skilled player of his generation, is clean. I believe he is. But what the hell do I know?

Anyway, Gwynn and Ripken will be layups when this year's Hall class is announced tomorrow. But they will not be unanimous choices. No player has been. Not Mays, not Ruth, not Gehrig, not Aaron, not DiMaggio, not Clemente. Imagine, getting a Hall ballot with Willie Mays' name on it and telling yourself: “I'm going to pass on Willie this time around.”

Idiots.

The Gwynn and Ripken numbers, of course, are impeccable. Gwynn led the National League in batting eight times, had a .338 lifetime batting average, 3,141 hits, won five Gold Gloves and 15 times was an All-Star. Ripken had 3,184 hits, 431 home runs, won two Gold Gloves, made 19 consecutive All-Star appearances and smashed Gehrig's impossible record by playing in 2,632 consecutive games. And he played shortstop. Phenomenal.

That they chose to stay home for their entire careers is a tribute to their loyalty and love for their cities. Several times during his career, Gwynn could have gone elsewhere, for far more money, but chose to remain in San Diego, the city he adopted following a two-sport career at San Diego State.

That they did this may be more remarkable than their numbers.


Hear, hear.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007



OK, call me silly, call me sappy, call me emotional because it's that time of the month, but I'm sitting here in tears right before I have to teach a class, because Tony Gwynn, Mr. San Diego himself, just got selected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. He is the man! I'm just so happy! I'd like to thank the Academy, and...wait, got carried away there. But I really am stoked! Very cool when my sports heroes are recognized for their brilliance!
Let's see: it's been just over a week since the new year started. Time to take a quick look at how I'm doing. That seems to be one of the keys to sticking with resolutions of any kind: check your progress often, before you've had time to fall way, way off your pace. As a teacher, I'm inclined to give grades for performance (but I will spare myself the red pen).

1) Weight: C

I'm hovering at the high end of the 170's right now, instead of at the low end where I'd rather be. I've eaten a few things that I shouldn't (I'm like Satchel that way), but mostly I've eaten OK. But I haven't shifted my metabolism back enough that it's making a difference yet. It's also amazing how my weight, fat percentage, and hydration vary between morning and evening. Last night when I weighed myself, I was 180 lbs with 36% body fat and 45% hydration (could just be water retention). This morning I was at 178 lbs with 39% body fat and 43% hydration. I really don't know how reliable the fat percentage and hydration levels are, but I record them faithfully anyway. And I am doing better about weighing myself more regularly. For a while there, I was only weighing myself once a week. That will work fine when I'm at my target weight, but I need to do it at least once daily until I reach my target.

2) Exercise: C

I'm definitely not back on my routine yet. Last week I only made it to the gym three times. I didn't get to the gym this weekend, but I did spend most of the day Saturday in my kayak, which meant I was exercising and not eating, a good combo. But Sunday was a football day spent on the couch. Made it to the gym yesterday morning but not yesterday afternoon. Took this morning off (I'm trying to get three mornings this week), so I absolutely must get a work out in between lacrosse and swimming practices this afternoon.

3) Grading: B

Yesterday was the first day any papers got handed in. They were handed in by only two of my five classes, and they were only worksheets that needed to be checked off for completion, but they were graded promptly. We'll see what happens when more worksheets get turned in today. Thankfully, this is a day where I have planning periods in the middle of the day, so I can check some worksheets after the first few classes and more at the end of the day (somewhere between lacrosse, working out, and swimming).

4) Blogging: B+

I'm already posting more than I have in a long time. They aren't interesting posts, but they are posts. Gotta be positive about something.

5) Organization: C

I'm making lists, which I always do, but I'm actually doing better about trying to accomplish things on the list, which I haven't really worried about before. However, I haven't started straightening my classroom or refiling all the papers that have stacked up on my desk, I haven't touched the scary mess in my house, and I haven't really even taken inventory of the things I NEED to straighten up. I guess that's the next list I need to make.

So I guess overall I'm looking at a C+ for my resolutions so far. Definitely room for improvement, but it's only the first week. I'll keep updating as my progress (or lack of) continues.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Bleah. Made it to the gym for the first morning workout of the new year. Despite the amazing number of people who were at the gym last week in the afternoon, their New Year's resolutions apparently do not apply to early-morning workouts, because the turn-out at the gym was pretty sparse until I was finishing up, at about 6 a.m. I sure wish my schedule allowed me to work out a little later in the morning, but in order to make it to work early enough that I don't disrupt my daily order of business, 5 a.m. must be the workout time.

I'm trying to start out easy. My goal this week is to make three morning workouts, probably Monday/Wednesday/Friday to give me a day of recuperation in between. I also didn't push incredibly hard this morning, doing just over 45 minutes on the elliptical machine to the tune of 600 calories.

Hopefully that 600 calories will offset the chocolate that the PMS was calling for today...bad PMS, bad. Gotta admit, the chocolate made a somewhat crappy Monday a little brighter, so I can't say it was bad chocolate.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

So, I finally made it back to the gym today, for the first time in several weeks. So did everyone else who has ever had a membership to my gym. Obviously, many people made a New Year's resolution to get back into shape. The people there could be divided into several categories: 1) gym regulars (who were probably more than a little annoyed at the upsurge in exercisers), 2) gym semi-regulars who had fallen off the wagon, so to speak, and were rededicating themselves to the cause (I consider myself to be in this category), 3) people who don't regularly work out but have finally decided that it's time, either because of age, weight, or lifestyle, and 4) people who should have started working out waaaaay before now (I was once in that category, by the way).

Our gym has put in some more machines, both resistance and cardio. That means they can pack even more people into the gym at one time. Fabulous. I wasn't thrilled with the machine I got stuck on (it's one I usually avoid because it grinds a bit), but it gave me a good vantage point to view the people around me. Most of the people around me weren't very interesting, but there were a few fun ones to keep me entertained. The girl next to me was one of those wonderful Southern sorority girls who are size two and feel they must lose five pounds so they won't look like cows. Ick. She was kind of funny, though, because she couldn't figure out how to work the stair climber. She wasn't sure how to get it started (um, you step on it and keep stepping, and it handles the rest, unless you want to get fancy). Then, she lasted about two minutes before announcing loudly enough for me to hear through Queensryche's "Revolution Calling" that she was "so out-of-shape" and "couldn't possibly go any farther". Whatever. The lady two rows in front of me was a hoot, too. She obviously had received a new mp3 player for Christmas, and between trying to work the mp3 player and trying to work the treadmill, she almost killed herself. First, she dropped the mp3 player, and it shot off the end of the treadmill and hit the floor. She awkwardly stepped off the treadmill and picked up the mp3 player, but then in her attempt to get back on the moving treadmill, she got hung up, fell sideways, and narrowly caught herself before she hit her head on the handlebar at the front. I was laughing so hard I almost fell off my elliptical machine, which would have made the whole thing even funnier to the people around me. I was content to just laugh at her, and not make myself part of the entertainment.

But this is the first step back on the path to 150 lbs, from which I have strayed so often in the past few months. Hopefully I will find it easier to stay on. We'll see...
I went ahead and added a weight ticker for humiliation/motivation. That way everyone will have to look at it, including me, and perhaps I'll be able to give myself a much-needed boost. It required changing the template of my blog from black, which was really cool, to blue, which is kind of lame. But now you can see the hatch marks and numbers on the ticker. Had to be done. Maybe when I'm slim and trim and take the ticker off the blog, I can revert to black.

Today is my last day of vacation. Tomorrow the teachers must report for a day of inservice, and then Thursday classes start up again (why they even bother, for a two-day week, is beyond me). We'll be diving right in with the dreaded research paper. This will be the first test of my resolution to grade assignments more promptly. We'll see how it goes.

Right now I'm spending the afternoon doing one of the most depressing post-holiday chores there is: taking down the Christmas decorations. I know it has to be done, but it's just sad to see things go back in their boxes and bags and closets, knowing they won't be back to visit for another eleven months. My hope is that, perhaps, if things go really well this new year (like I win the lottery or something), maybe these decorations will go up in a nicer, newer home next Christmas. We'll see...

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Well, it is Dec. 31, 2006. Time for some random reflections.



First of all, my holiday vacation in Southern California: AWESOME. Weather was beautiful (70's most of the days, rained one day only, sunny, just gorgeous. As my brother would say, a shitty week in paradise. Food was plentiful. This is where the problem comes in. Despite several attempts to rally myself, I did quite poorly controlling my eating for the past week and a half. My mother cooked a lot, including loads of Christmas cookies, a full turkey dinner complete with several meals of leftovers, a prime rib roast, and scads of other food. We ate, and ate, and snacked, and snacked, and ate some more. Whew! When I finally weighed in last night after a long day of traveling (and, to my credit, a big meal of beer cheese soup in a bread bowl to weigh me down), I had gained about four pounds. Ouch. Now, we did manage to get some exercise in, doing my least favorite thing ever: running. My husband and I ran/walked (well, he ran much more than walked; I probably ended about half and half) over about a 3-mile course near my parents' house several times during the trip. I hate running. More than pretty much anything except evil people and the Oakland Raiders. It sucked. Bad. But it probably lessened the damage.

The celebrity deaths coming in threes, within a few days of each other? Weird. James Brown will be much lamented. The hardest-working man in show business made a few mistakes during his lifetime, but for the most part his musical contributions greatly outweigh the downs. We'll miss him. President Ford was overall a good guy. He didn't really have a chance to strut his stuff, sort of shooting himself in the foot with his pardon of Nixon. But I think he did the right thing, and he was certainly a good person outside of the Oval Office too. He will also be missed. And then we come to yesterday's surprise: Saddam Hussein. Shall I break into "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead"? The only thing I can think of that would have been more fitting is that they should have handed him off to the Kurds to let them have a little fun. Saddam will not be missed, and I hope Satan is toasting him over the fires with a long fork. I sincerely hope Iraq can get past all this and enjoy a little peace in the new year. They deserve it. As do our servicemen and women all over the world.

New Year's Resolutions? I guess I need a few. Let's see...

1) The weight needs to come off. I didn't manage to celebrate Christmas at 170 lbs like I had hoped. Oh well. It's time to start over. I need to make the goals easy again so I don't get disappointed. We'll start with a short-term goal of 170 lbs or less by the time my Spring Break rolls around in mid-March. The long-term goals would be 160 lbs or under by the end of the school year (end of May) and 150 lbs or under by the beginning of the next school year (mid-August).

2) In order to accomplish the weight goals, I must have exercise goals. This resolution is to get back to my two-a-days. I haven't quite gotten back into a good routine. I need to work out in the mornings doing primarily cardio for a hour every weekday (on weekends we hit the gym once a day for either cardio or a couple games of racquetball). Then, in the afternoons, I need to either get to the weight room at my school to lift and do more cardio for another hour, or get in the pool before swim practice. That is the only way I'm going to reach my weight loss goals. I simply have to do it, no ifs, ans, or buts (or butts, either).

3) I need to be better about grading papers promptly. Especially towards the end of this past semester, I would grade the easier, less time-consuming assignments first, saving the more complicated stuff for later. By the time I'd get around to it, I'd have several hundred papers to grade and no time to grade them in. It meant taking up a lot of time I would have spent with my husband and my dog at home, to grade papers instead. I'd like to avoid taking so much work home this semester. So I need to make better use of my planning periods and the time I have available after school. I will try to make sure that I grade everything that was turned in that day. When they turn in projects, I will set a number of projects to grade each day, and the rest of the time will be to grade the normal homework the girls have done.

4) I will try to blog more regularly, primarily about the eating and exercise but in general about life, liberty, and the purfuit of happineff ("That's 'pursuit of happiness'." "Well, all your S's look like F's." "It's stylish. It's in, it's very in." "Well, if it's in...").

5) This one's an annual resolution that I rarely make good on, but I must include it again, as tradition if nothing else: I need to get better organized and get things cleaned up and put away. I love to make lists (like I'm doing now!), but I rarely follow through on them. My house is a disaster, as is my classroom at school. I need to get everything in some semblance of order. I have good reason to do this at home: my parents expressed an intention to come visit during my Spring Break in March. Nothing like imminent "Mom" to make you want to clean up the house! At school, it just helps to find everything easier, like handouts and homework that got turned in. I'm not quite sure how to go about doing this. I guess the first step is to pick a room to start in, like the guest bedroom/kayak storage closet. I need to clean out that room and figure out a better way to store some of our kayaking and outdoor gear. Since that's the room my parents will be staying in, it's a logical place to start. Hopefully if I can organize that room, it will be a springboard to the rest of the house.

You'll note that the last resolution, the organization, is the one for which I don't really have a concrete plan. That's because I am not by nature an organized person and never have been. So I suspect that will be the one that causes me the most trouble. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

For anyone who reads this blog, either regularly or just passing through, I wish you the most wonderful of new years. May you have peace, health, prosperity, and a lot of fun. God bless you and your loved ones in this holiday season.

Friday, December 15, 2006

I think I can remotivate myself, the same way I got motivated in the first place: The Biggest Loser.

I've previous mentioned my affinity for reality television. The show inspired my husband and me in our weight loss experiment. When I first heard that NBC was doing a reality show involving overweight people, I was offended, and not just because I myself was overweight. Reality shows really just exploit some of the more unsavory aspects of our culture, and I could just see this show humiliating these overweight people while fit Americans laughed and were glad they weren't fat. I didn't watch the first season for that very reason. But the second season somehow sucked us in, and we ended up watching the whole thing (I think we missed the first episode). We were blown away at the success these people had losing weight. Now, of course, they had a situation that most of us don't have: they were put in an environment where they weren't responsible for their families or for work; all they had to do was work out, learn about nutrition, work out some more, compete in challenges, and work out again before getting weighed each week. Most of these people lived completely sedentary lives, so just the addition of a little exercise made a difference. When you consider they were exercising for hours each day and changing their diets completely, it's no wonder they were losing up to 20 lbs in a week. If I could lose 20 lbs in a week, I'd have been done with this before Christmas LAST year. Anyway, we were so blown away last year at how much weight these people lost that we decided we'd give the whole weight loss thing a try.

Well, we did pretty well, for a while. My husband lost about 35 lbs; I lost about 40 lbs. And everything seemed great. And then March rolled around, and we both stalled out. Neither of us has really lost any appreciable weight since then. We've just struggled to stay right where we were. But then we watched the finale of this season's Biggest Loser this past Wednesday, and we weren't just impressed...we were STUNNED.

This season was interesting. They brought in people from each of the 50 states and had them work out while the trainers evaluated them. The trainers picked 14 contestants to stay on the ranch. The rest of the contestants were sent home to work out on their own. About 2/3 of the way through the season, they brought back to the ranch the male and female contestants from home who had been the most successful. And there were three competitions: the home contestant who lost the highest percentage of his or her body weight won $50K; the contestant who got voted off the ranch (a la Survivor) who was then the most successful at home won $100K; and the one of the final four contestants from the ranch who ultimately lost the highest percentage of weight won $250K.

The at-home winner was Poppi, who went from a size 22 to a size 2:




The sent-home winner was Brian, who was completely unrecognizable after his transformation:




And the ultimate winner was Erik, who started the game at an agonizing 407 lbs, and finished weighing in at 193 lbs!




Can you $^#&%@* believe that? He lost...ME! I started out at 218 lbs Halloween 2005. He lost my entire body off of his! How amazing is that?

If he can do that, I certainly can lose 30 more measly lbs. If you'll excuse me, I need to go to the gym.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

My brother gave me a hard time for my lack of posts recently. It isn't that I don't like posting; it's simply that very little happens to me that is interesting. Life is fairly routine.

There are a few reasons I haven't posted much. The first is horrible, horrible shame. Despite all my chest-thumping and stand-taking on this whole weight-loss rejuvenation thing, I have been absolutely terrible the past few weeks. I've hardly worked out at all, and I haven't really been watching what I eat as closely as I should as we dive into the holiday eating season. Needless to say, I haven't bothered to weigh myself in at least a week, either. I'm afraid of what the scale will say. I doubt that I'm back into the 180's, but I'll be very surprised if I'm under 177. I guess part of me didn't want to blog because it would require that admission of guilt.

Another reason is school. I am a procrastinator first-class. When the students hand in their assignments (usually several at a time; I'm a mean teacher like that) I tend to grade the easy-to-grade ones first, the ones that take less time and less effort from yours truly. The assignments that require reading and thought on my part are the ones I save for weekends and moments of motivation. I had a serious backlog of work to grade, consisting of approximately 283 original poems composed by my students, 150 explication outlines of famous poetry, and 75 projects that included a powerpoint presentation, a podcast, and an outline each from every student. Needless to say, the past two weeks have been a blur of grading. I've stayed at school every day until it was time to head to swim practice (which is why there was no afternoon workout for me), I've taken assignments to swim practice and graded on the pool deck, I've taken work home with me to the chagrin of my husband and dog who've been feeling neglected...the work just hasn't stopped. I finally pushed through last night and finished the last assignment (with the exception of several students who have had prolonged absences and are turning in make-up work). Now I'm ready to grade EXAMS! Whoopee! Seventy-five 200-point tests! Hooray! Actually, I've made it as easy as possible on myself. The exams are all matching and multiple choice, so I can whip through these pretty fast. The first class actually took their exam yesterday, and I graded it in about an hour this morning. My next exam starts at 10 this morning, and I should have all their tests graded after lunch. Two exams tomorrow: I can grade one during the other, and have the other done by lunch; one exam Friday that I should have done in half an hour (only eight students in that class). So things are finally looking up, and I can break my self-imposed exile and start talking to people again.

And the last reason is, I'm lazy. I have to think of things to blog about and, as I've said before, not that much really happens to me. I have to be creative to come up with topics, and that requires effort.

So my apologies, Dear Reader, for neglecting you so these past few weeks. Things will start to improve. I promise. Tomorrow. Really.

Monday, November 27, 2006



I don't understand spam.

OK, I don't understand the "meat" version of spam, but I'm really talking about the uninvited e-mails received daily by millions of people. According to an article I saw on CNN.com today, they (whoever "they" are) estimate that 9 out of 10 e-mails received are spam e-mails trying to get the receiver to buy something, visit a certain website, or whatever.

I know why people send out spam. It's a cheap advertising method. I don't know how many people find anything interesting in their spam and actually visit the sites or buy the products that are being hawked, but it must be enough to make it worth their while.

But the recent spam I've received is weird. It doesn't make much sense. Here's a sample:


Chocolate and cinnamon transcend coffee's morning image and move it into the realm of an adult milkshake.
She marvels that such a simple dish can shine with flavors that absolutely sing!
But for times when a little familiarity is needed, these are the recipes to turn to.
This one can be made ahead, chilled, and rewarmed in a microwave or double boiler.
Or what's the best one you've seen? Or what's the best one you've seen?
I did that and then flew with him again last weekend. Clearly I need to keep at it.
So when nostalgia hits this fall, feature the last of summer's finest fruits right here in this dessert. It felt like there might be demand. Try this pecan-crusted red snapper. It would have all been manual work and I was already too busy.
Even "non-fishionados" will like this dish. But I just wanted to point out that it's there so that nobody is surprised.
Using winter squash and carrots make it the perfect side dish for a fall dinner.
Here's a tasty way to put them to good use. I suspect it's psychological.
You have been warned. That means you're safe, right? Show me someone who doesn't like sundaes and I'll show you a person a few scoops short of a pint. TechMeme is a useful service for many people.
These tartlet shells are partially baked, filled, then baked again. Eight cups of spinach and a touch of lemon ensure its presence in this rich treat.
You probably have all the ingredients on hand, and whipping them up takes just about as long as mixing their boxed buddies. She marvels that such a simple dish can shine with flavors that absolutely sing!
It's a wonder chickens all over the world aren't out of a job. I've been trying to fix that in recent months, but it's hard to go cold turkey.
But they've still developed a bad rep over time.
Don't shy away from the anchovy paste - it makes the vinaigrette distinctive without imparting a fishy taste.

OK, I get the picture. That's where the advertising takes place, and it's located in the picture so spam filters can't read the text and block it out. But what the hell is the rest of it? It is almost entirely weird, food-related chatter. Someone went through a lot of trouble to type that up, or at least to cut and paste it all. Why? Why not just send the picture without the rest of the text?

The addresses and subject headings kill me, too. I've received spam e-mails from such unlikely people as Flabby N. Moonpies, Tom and Katie Cruise, Obese Treefighter, and Ender McTouchy. Who thinks up these names? Like you're going to open an e-mail from Flabby N. Moonpies. Seriously. And the subject headers try to defeat the spam filters by intentionally misspelling or dividing the words, such as Vi*agra and Obes*ity and This Stocck Will Go Farr. Who do these people think they're kidding?

I don't understand spam.

Friday, November 17, 2006

OK, I can't even make a successful week of blogging every day, let alone make it to the gym every day. I just don't have enough time to get the blog done. Besides, my life isn't that interesting.

Despite my lack of exercise and occasional food indiscretion this week, I'm clinging to my third best weigh-in ever last night, 175.8. Will I make it to 170 by Christmas? That's five weeks away, so I'd have to lose just over 1 lb each week. Plus, there is Thanksgiving between now and then. I don't know if I'll make it, but I'm going to try. Next week I only have two early mornings, since we don't have school Wednesday through Friday. I can sleep in a little on Wednesday and still make it to the gym. Thursday we'll be traveling and eating, so I probably won't see a gym (we'll be out of town), but I'm sure we'll take our work out clothes so we'll probably run or something. Same for Friday and Saturday, and we'll be back and able to hit the gym by Sunday. I'd like to think that I at least won't gain next week, but who knows?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Well, that whole "skipping dinner" thing didn't happen last night. A trip to Olive Garden was not in the forecast but showed up anyway. Man, that stuffed chicken marsala stuff is awesome, as are the garlic mashed potatos and the spiced pumpkin cheesecake, but I didn't even bother recording the weigh in last night. Oddly enough, the fat percentage (which our scale shows) wasn't bad, but the weight wasn't good. And I didn't get up this morning to go to the gym. It may take a while before I can do two mornings in a row. But I will try to hit the gym tonight before practice. We'll see how it goes: Wednesdays are faculty meeting days, and those usually suck the life right out of me.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Yeek. Yesterday was not the best. Ended up not working out at all because I had too many papers to grade.

Food:
bowl of cereal
granola bar
popcorn (2)
bowl of soup
cheeseburger and waffle fries (yes, I know. Bad me.)

Exercise:
20 min. walk with the dog

Today, however, I made it to the gym in the morning for the first time in several weeks. Hooray. It wasn't actually that bad, getting up that early, which means when I try it again tomorrow morning it's going to suck lint. Big time. Food-wise, however, today has been a train wreck. This week is "teacher appreciation week" by our Key Club, and today's gift was baked goods of all shapes, sizes, and caloric content, distributed in the teachers' workrooms. TONS of cookies, brownies, muffins, etc. And one really kick-ass Boston cream pie. Anyway, I've had several no-nos, which won't help tonight's weigh-in one little bit.

Today's Food:
colby jack cheese (two slices)
granola bar (2)
popcorn
bowl of soup
3 cookies
1 brownie
1 teeny slice of Boston cream pie.

I may just skip dinner...

Exercise:
45 minutes elliptical machine

Monday, November 13, 2006

Guess I'm going to have to do my blogging in the morning instead of at the end of the day. I just don't have the time at the end of the day. Case in point: yesterday. I meant to do my blog and go to bed at a reasonable hour so I could get up and hit the gym. Instead I found myself still sitting there working on school stuff after ten. Crap.

So here's the food damage from yesterday:
bowl of cereal
toast
granola bar
tuna sandwich
carrots
pudding
big chicken taco thing (was supposed to be a quesadilla but didn't have any cheese in it) and some chips
small "dirt sundae" (had to heed the call of PMS)

Exercise? just a walk with the dog--not much happens on Sundays

And today isn't looking much better. I didn't make it to the gym this morning, again. Mondays are hard anyway; I've been comfy all weekend and it's hard to drag myself out of my toasty bed and commit to the horror. Plus, my husband and I, with all our similarities and common likes, have very dissimilar sleep schedules. I really need to be in bed by ten (lights and TV off, eyes shut) in order to get up at four. I really function best at eight hours of sleep, but I can't make it to bed before nine at the earliest. When I wake up, it's difficult to go back to sleep immediately, so I don't use a snooze alarm--when it goes off, I'm pretty much up. My husband on the other hand is a night owl. He can go and go in the evenings, hitting his stride later in the evening and not really getting tired until after midnight. When he gets up in the morning, the snooze alarm goes off three or four times before he finally gets up. The short of this is that it was already after ten when I finally headed to bed, and then we talked until about eleven. That meant there was no way I was making it to the gym.

Woman of 1000 excuses, that's me.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Been grading most of the day, with intermediate breaks to walk the dog. I'm not often home all day on a Saturday to watch television. It's been a good movie day. Hook, Gone in 60 Seconds, Face/Off, The Wizard of Oz. Lots of good shows. But other than grading and watching TV I really haven't done anything remarkable. Not an auspicious way to start my rededication, but you gotta go with what you got.



Food:
bowl of cereal
roast beef and colby jack sandwich
cottage cheese
raw carrots
popcorn
pudding
mashed potatoes

Exercise:
40 minutes walking
OK, I've obviously going to have to take a cue from the blogs of some of my blogging compatriots and start posting every day to keep myself honest, because so far nothing else has worked.

A week and a half ago I posted a dramatic entry detailing my successes and failures over the past twelve months. I was rededicating myself to the goal of losing another thirty pounds or so by August of next year. Seems like a good goal. But, to quote myself from that very same post: DIDN'T HAPPEN.

If you read my next post, you know that right away something happened to disrupt the routine I was hoping to set for myself. So November 1 I didn't make it to the gym that morning. I didn't make it that afternoon, either; I've let myself get REALLY behind in my grading, and I spent the entire time trying to get a foothold in the mountain of papers and files I need to wade through (let's just say that eleven days later I'm still not completely caught up--I'll be working on that today and tomorrow; my intention is to go back to school Monday with all the work totally graded). I did make it to the gym the next morning, but again I failed in my goal for the afternoon and again I did not work out before going to swim practice. My husband went out of town for the weekend and left Thursday afternoon, and I didn't sleep well without him, and sure enough I didn't get up Friday morning to work out. I managed a brief workout Friday evening, but I was lonely and just wanted to go home. Saturday was spent in the car driving all across the state to attend various state championship competitions that our school was competing in, so no exercise there. Sunday and Monday we had a state teachers conference to go to, and I had no enthusiasm either before or after the workshops to go to the gym. I just wanted to go home and not think for awhile. My husband came home Monday afternoon, and I just wanted to stay in bed with him Tuesday morning and snuggle. Tuesday night he had to work late (like, midnight late), and I didn't sleep well before he came home, so again with the no morning work out. I was still trying to get caught up on the grading, so no afternoon workouts this week. Friday afternoon I should have hit the gym to get some of my pent-up anger out (read my previous post), but traffic was horrific and after 45 minutes stuck on the interstate I surrendered and went home.

So here I am on a Saturday morning, having not worked out ALL F&$^#%* WEEK. Not good. I really need to refocus. So I guess along with my plans to work out every morning and afternoon, I need to blog every night to document what I've eaten and how I've exercised. I am not doing Weight Watchers or eating any specific diet where I can really easily count calories, but I can at least keep track of what I'm eating so I can take note of anything that might be a red flag.

So this is my new goal: I still want to lose enough weight by Christmas to be at or below 170 (may be much harder to get now that I'm almost two weeks late in getting started), but I also plan to make at least a short blog entry each day documenting my exercise and eating habits. I'm grading today, but I'll hit the gym this afternoon. We'll see how it goes...

Friday, November 10, 2006

I love my job more than almost anything, but there are some days that I wish I did something that didn't involve spoiled rotten brats and their rich, influential parents.

Thankfully in my time as a teacher and coach I've had surprisingly few run-ins with parents. Only one of these incidents was bad, and it was really bad (let's just say litigation was threatened, but of course never materialized). So I guess any time I get an e-mail from a parent, I'm automatically on guard for a bad go-round.

Hopefully, this one won't develop into anything, but I'm ticked off about it nonetheless. Allow me to elaborate.

One of the many paid and unpaid jobs I do under the title of "teacher" is coach an athletic team. Seems like it should be an easy job. Tell them what do to, when to do it, and how fast to do it in, and you're golden. But some times, it just doesn't work that way. My team was determined back in the middle of October. The girls were told that they had to commit to the team and pay their team fees by October 11 so the school could pay for pool space and we could order our uniforms. Nineteen girls made the commitment. But this past Thursday morning I opened my e-mail to find a message from a student, asking if it was too late to join the team. We've been practicing for two weeks, we only have two and a half weeks until our first meet, and we've already ordered and received our uniforms. I've turned aside another student who had a similar request just a few days after the deadline. Yes, it is too late. And I e-mailed the student a properly apologetic response to that end.

You'd think that would be the end. If the student were me, and I went to my parents and told them I wanted to play a sport but had missed the deadline, my parents would have said, "That's too bad. Maybe you can try out next year." But parents apparently don't allow their students to suffer defeats and disappointments these days. So this morning, I opened my e-mail to find a message from the student's father.

He asked very earnestly what he, I, and anyone else might do to help get his daughter on the team for the season. He said that he understood there had been a deadline last month that his daughter had missed, but that his daughter had been playing a fall sport which just ended and only now decided that she wanted to play a winter sport. He said he'd be willing to speak to any local, league, or state officials involved in the sport to see if we couldn't get her "passed the deadline".

First of all, in the real world, a deadline is a deadline. If you miss it, you are out of luck. I firmly believe the students need to learn this now so that when they get out into college and have to do some things on their own, they can handle it. She missed the deadline, not by a couple days, but by a friggin' MONTH. What is this guy going to do when the kid misses a credit card payment, sue the company for the late fee? I've already turned down another student who missed the deadline, and she was a lot closer to it than this kid.

Secondly, this girl was a "member" of the team last year in name only. She attended about three practices, didn't work very hard at any of them, didn't compete in any meets, and ordered a pair of sweat pants for which she never paid. Even if I hadn't turned down another student, I can't say I'd go out of my way to be accommodating. Part of the purpose of the deadline was to weed out the ones who aren't really serious about the sport. If she'd really wanted to be on the team, she'd have come to the meetings, turned in her stuff on time, or at least MENTIONED to me before now that she was interested.

The excuse that she was playing another sport doesn't fly with me. I have a girl who was on the same team, only varsity instead of JV (so this other girl had a longer season than the one who wants to join the team now), and she still made the committment on time. I had other girls playing other sports who made the committment on time. And I've got at least three girls participating in club sports outside of school who have managed to find the time to balance the club sport, the school sport, and their studies, and they all committed on time.

Man, when I read this guy's e-mail, I was furious. It was already shaping up to be a bad day: we were missing our morning periods to administer a standardized test, which meant I was losing my two planning periods. I had hoped to attend part of a retreat the seniors had that day, but with the schedule I wasn't going to have the time. I knew the afternoon classes would be worthless, on a Friday afternoon after four hours of standardized testing. And PMS was raging.

First, I was pissed off at the kid for being a spoiled brat. When I was in high school, there was a cheerleader with a license plate frame that read "I owe, I owe, so off to Daddy I go." I have always hated that mentality. Many of our students have it. Since we are a private school with a lot of rich and powerful families (doctors, lawyers, CEOs of the world's largest shipping company, you get the idea), the students all drive nicer cars than most of the faculty (and dress better too). They've got credit cards, expensive cell phones, iPods, $400 purses, Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, it's just ridiculous. And this kid is just evincing that mentality completely. I told her no, and instead of accepting the disappointment she ran to Daddy to get her way. It reminds me of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I can hear the snooty voice: "Dad-dy, I WANT to be on the team!!"

Then, I was angry at the dad for not taking the opportunity to do his fatherly duty and teach the kid that the world is full of disappointments. Here is the perfect chance to talk to your child about responsibility, about deadlines, and about consequences, thereby making her a better and stronger adult. Nope. Instead, he decided he'd do "anything" to help his baby get her way. If you spoil your child, you won't get anything out of it later, except perhaps to be eaten by lions (sorry, the kids just finished reading Ray Bradbury's "The Veldt" and I'm still in that frame of mind).

And then, I was incredibly offended by this man's arrogance and presumption. He assumed that, even though I had said no to his daughter, I would succumb to his superiority and bend over backwards to accommodate him because he's the FATHER. Big $^%&#*@ whoop. How cocky do you have to be?

So I steamed about it all morning long. Man, I haven't been than pissed in a long time. And my poor kids knew it. They weren't taking the testing very seriously, and I snapped at them. I rarely raise my voice, and I'm never angry in class, so they knew something bad was going down.

I crafted a response with a little help from my friends--our AD, assistant AD, the guidance counselors, the dean, my assistant coach, and several teacher buddies. I was polite, apologetic, understanding, and firm: I said NO. I explained that the deadline had been an entire month ago, that we had already paid per student for our facilities usage and ordered our uniforms (and did not order extras), that I had several students who participated in other sports (including hers) but still made the committment to the team, and that I had already turned away another student and it would not be fair to her or to the girls who DID make the committment if I were to allow his daughter to join the team. I thanked him, suggested a number of local club teams if she really did want to participate in the sport this winter, and said I hoped his daughter would still be interested in the school team next year.

Now, I'm just waiting and holding my breath. I hope this does not become a pissing contest between the parent and the athletic department. I've been involved in one of those before and it wasn't much fun, even though we didn't get sued. I just want the dad to realize that he needs to cut the umbilical cord NOW and start letting his daughter deal with her successes and failures so she'll have that ability when she becomes an adult.

Don't want to get eaten by lions.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Today was supposed to be the day of my workout resurrection, the day I got back to the basics and started hitting the gym in the mornings. But instead, I was too tired (and a little sad) to make it to the gym this morning. I spent about five hours this morning laying in bed listening to the panicked activities of my dog. And it's all because of the damn bugs.

I think my dog is insane. I know people have said that statement before and meant it as a humorous commentary on the behavior of their pets. Perhaps their pets are funny, possibly behaving contrary to the norm. But I really mean it; I think my dog has some mental problems, possibly canine paranoid schizophenia with accompanying hallucinations. I know animals can have mental disorders. A friend of mine had a small dog that developed some kind of mental problems. She desperately wanted attention, but she would bare her teeth and shiver when you petted her. She'd sit for hours, staring out the window next to the front door, shivering. She became snappish with people, and when she snapped at the couple's new baby, it was time for her to go. So I really believe my dog may have a problem. He has undergone a personality change over the past few years. He used to be politely reserved with strangers, interested in children, excited about other dogs, and generally spoiled rotten and bratty. Now he is shy around strangers, snappish with children, aggressive with other dogs, and...well, he's still spoiled rotten and bratty.

He has anxiety attacks. He will run from room to room, throwing frantic glances over his shoulders, panting wildly, sniffing and snorting in search of what may or may not be there, shaking, occasionally crying and whining, and eventually stuffing himself under the nearest bed in terror. In the throes of his fear, he has actually had grand mal seizures. It is heartbreaking to watch. Thankfully these attacks are not commonplace, but when he gets going there isn't much to do other than wait it out and comfort him as best we can.

We think it's because of the bugs. As a younger dog (he's seven now), he loved to chase, play with, and eat bugs. They were fun; they were sport. Bugs in the house were tracked to a convenient location and then pounced upon (or snatched out of the air and devoured). But then, when he was about two or three, he made the mistake(s) of going after some of those big reddish-brown wasps. They had gotten into the house, probably built a nest somewhere, and the dog was too tempted to resist. Several times we came home to find his muzzle, jaw, or the entire side of his face swollen up from the stings. Sometimes he'd go a day or two without eating because of the pain. Once his face was so puffy his eye swelled shut. These events affected his outlook on bugs in the house. Outside, they are no threat, and he will still occasionally snap at them as they fly by. But inside is another story. Even the smallest fly, mosquito, or gnat drives him to paroxysms of terror. He'll still snap at them, but as soon as he does it he runs into the bedroom howling and hides under the bed.

But when there is a "real" bug in the house, he can pinpoint it. We'll see it at some point, and the dog will spend most of his time in the room hunting the bug, or running away from it. But we've started wondering if all the bugs he runs from are "real" or not. The times he gets the most panicked, my husband and I never see the bug that's causing the ruckus. The dog races from room to room, throwing panicked looks in every direction as though he's beset by a pack of demons. There is no safe place in the house, and instead of staying wedged under the bed in relative safety, he spends a lot of time scratching at the front door, looking for an escape from the house. He came to us on the bed several times last night, shivering and darting his eyes from side to side, hoping that we could protect him from whatever was coming to get him. Heartbreakingly, we can't really make him feel any better, and so he'd jump down after a few minutes and continue his restless prowling from room to room. When I took him for a walk, he did everything he could to prevent our return to the house, laying down in the grass, hanging his head and digging in his heels to make me drag him, and halfheartedly trying to get me to play so he wouldn't have to go inside. It made me want to cry. No dog should be afraid of going in his own home. He was so upset that I'm surprised he didn't frighten himself into having a seizure.

His fear of bugs has ruined some of the things he's liked the most. He used to love riding in cars. Now he obsessively stares at and occasionally licks the rock chips and water spots on the windows, making sure they aren't bugs clinging to the glass. He used to love the drive-thru windows at fast food restaurants (I mean, nice people lean into your car and give you FOOD! How awesome is that?!) but then came the day that a fly flew through the window while we were getting our food. The dog about tore me up trying to hide under me.

And I don't know what to do! I mean, can you take your dog to therapy? Can they give a dog prozac or valium? I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better. Poor baby. It breaks my heart.

Monday, October 30, 2006

So, here I am. Day 365. One year of weight loss. One year of watching what I eat. One year of forcing myself to go to the gym. One year.

Well, there's good news and bad news.

First, the good news: I've lost 40 lbs.

Then, while I'm still basking in the glow of the accomplishment, I must address the bad news: Even after 40 lbs of weight loss, I still weigh 178 lbs, and since March 15 I've lost 5 lbs.

The lowest weight I've managed to record was 175. My weight has fluctuated between that (hit it twice) and 183 since March.

Although I'm pleased with the 40 lbs, I still have more weight to lose. I'm about 5'7" (if you measure me in the morning, I might be 5'8") and of medium frame, so 178 lbs is not a good weight for me. I should be around 150 lbs. When I graduated high school, I was 155 lbs, and I guess a little chunky (I had lots of muscle, but a fair amount of padding too). The skinniest I've ever managed to be was 123 lbs, but that was on the college student starvation diet. I was a size three then; I've kept one pair of ultra-slim Calvin Klein jeans as proof that I was once that size. My doctor informed me a few years ago that I "will never be a size three again." He could have been a bit more tactful about it, but it was news I needed to hear. I didn't need to come up with an unrealistic and unhealthy weight loss goal.

Instead, I came up with a few small goals, all of which I accomplished. I wanted to lose 15 lbs by last Christmas, and be in the weigh range for my kayak (under 185 lbs) by the end of this past May. I did those. But I stalled out badly, and never really got started again.

I can identify exactly what caused the stall-out: I got lazy. Story of my life, really. I am the woman of 1000 excuses. I can rationalize all kinds of reasons why I can't make it to the gym, but it is all really because I am a lazy person and always have been. My weight loss went well when I really didn't have a good excuse for getting out of work outs. I coach high school swimming during the winter season, and the practices aren't until 7 p.m. Because I live 45 minutes from my school, it isn't feasible to drive all the way home and then back up for practice. So my schedule went as follows: up at 4 to walk the dog and head to the gym (a nightmare in my book--4 a.m. is not morning by any stretch of the imagination), leave at 4:30 and get to the gym by 5, work out until 6:15 or so, shower, dress, and head to school, grade papers for a few hours after school, then head to the pool to swim for an hour and a half before swim practice starts. I was getting two work outs each day, and since I was limited to eating the food I had in my desk at school, I wasn't taking in more than maybe 1200 calories each day.

But then came March. Swim season ended, and lacrosse season began. Lacrosse practice was right after school each day, so I lost my after school grading time. That meant I still had work to do in the evenings. Also, by the time I was finished with lacrosse practice, I didn't really feel like hitting the gym, so I'd just head home to see my hubby and get some grading done. I was still hitting the gym in the mornings, but then came the time change.

I love the fall time change. You go to bed early because it feels later than the clock says, and you get to sleep in an hour later than normal. Awesome. The April time change sucks lint. When you are already getting up at 4, and 4 becomes 3, you start thinking of any reason at all to stay home. Muscle stiffness. Headache. Didn't sleep well. Dog kept me up all night. Got a cold. Whatever. I'd tell myself I would work out in the afternoons to make up for missing the mornings. Didn't happen. I'd tell myself that once I got used to the time change, I'd start getting up again. Didn't happen.

Even in the summer, I was a slacker. I had these fabulous plans for staying organized, keeping the house clean, getting all kinds of work done in preparation for the school year, and working out multiple times each day. Didn't happen. Oh, I'd make it to the gym twice a day maybe once each week, but that really isn't enough to keep it going. And my husband and I feed off each other (pun intended); when we are together we opt for bad food choices, like eating out and stuff like that.

School started in August, and I promised myself that after a week or two of getting used to getting up for work each day, I'd get back to the mornings. Didn't happen. You see a pattern here?

Well, now is my chance to get back into the routine. Swim season starts Wednesday. I'll have my grading time after school (to an extent; this year we're doing preseason lacrosse a few times each week, so I'll have to surrender some of my time), but I'll still have time to hit the pool before practice in the evenings. And now that the time change has swung back in my favor, I'll be able to get up in the mornings a little easier.

So here's the new plan: I'm giving myself some more easy, attainable goals. First, I'd like to be below 170 lbs by Christmas. It means losing about 1 lb each week, but I should be able to do it if I get back on track with the eating and exercise. I'd like to be under 160 lbs by the time school gets out in May (I told you they were easy goals) and at or under 150 lbs by the time school starts next fall. So I've got about 30 lbs to lose.

I'd say here goes nothing, but it's gonna be something, all right.

Cross your fingers...

Friday, October 20, 2006



Don't you hate it when you get those "mixed message" compliments from people?

I got one this morning from a student. It's my birthday today, and thanks to the magic of our daily school bulletin, everybody knew about it. I received e-mails and notes from the girls all day long. But one student overheard me complaining about being old and said, "You aren't THAT old."

Hmm. How old is THAT old? So, I'm old, but I'm not THAT old? How old am I? I'm not quite twice the age of the oldest girls, but I'm more than twice the age of the younger girls. I guess that's pretty old.

Fun birthday, though. I share it with another teacher in the English department, and a coworker made us both a cake. Then another coworker brought me her famous "gooey double chocolate butter cake" (tastes just as fabulous as it sounds--it's like mainlining chocolate). And then some of my sophomores brought me a cupcake (and proceeded to almost set me on fire with a match while trying to light it for a birthday wish. I guess people don't use matches much anymore because she certainly was a menace trying to get it lit). I've had so much sugar I'm twitching. I did get another wonderful gift, though: some former students (my "marbles" who graduated last year) stopped by to visit while on their fall break. It was great to see them. They are all enjoying college very much.

Which reminds me: the last time my birthday fell on a Friday was my 21st birthday. It snowed so much that Sunday that they canceled classes on Monday. Which was good, because I needed another day to recover.

Happy birthday to me...

Monday, October 16, 2006



Everyone is a Saint.

I'm overjoyed that the New Orleans Saints are playing so well, for several reasons. First of all, several former San Diego Chargers are now members of the Saints football team, and I'm still fond of them. Secondly, they've spent so many years at the bottom of the heap that it's nice to see them on top.

And most importantly, New Orleans deserves this happiness, even if it is trivial.

After the nightmare that was the aftermath of Katrina, it is great to see the city beginning its long journey back to normalcy. If a football team can help them feel a little bit like they used to, then thank God for football.

After the most recent Saints victory, over Philadelphia, Saints QB Drew Brees (former Charger), had this to say:
"I can't tell you how happy I am, we all are, to be helping this city in some small way,'' Brees said. "To be here right now, it's ... it's unimaginable. We even had some Eagles fans come up to us and congratulate us. One of them said to me: 'We hate losing, but we couldn't have been beaten by a better team, in a better city.' That made me proud."

Thank God for football.

Monday, October 09, 2006


There's no T.O. in TEAM.



You know, I really feel a little sorry for the guy. Here is a man who clearly doesn't have many friends, if any. You'll see him, game after game, sitting alone on the bench with no teammates surrounding him. The other members of the team talk with each other, cheer with each other, commiserate with each other, but you rarely see anyone bothering to talk to T.O. When there is a conversation, you can assume he is angry that he isn't getting the ball enough, or that the plays aren't being crafted to take advantage of his abilities, or that the f$^%&*# safety is interferring with him and the f$^%&*# ref isn't calling it.

T.O. is exactly what he claims to be, a really incredible wide receiver. The problem is, he proclaims it WAY TOO OFTEN. Dude, we know you're good. Your teammates know you're good. Your opponents know you're good. The coaches know you're good. The media know you're good. The fans know you're good. You don't have to tell us every d&%^ day. We get sick of hearing it. Really. Shut up already and go play the game.

No one wants to hear about how fabulous someone is from his own mouth. It gets old in a hurry, and you start thinking more about how arrogant and self-absorbed that person is instead of how talented he is. And we don't need Drew Rosenhaus to tell us how great T.O. is, either. We've seen the film. Having Drew Rosenhaus as his agent just reminds me why I was never in a sorority: I didn't need to pay for my friends. Apparently T.O. does.

He had a great opportunity when he joined the Eagles team several seasons ago. It was the kind of team he could have been successful with. They have a great quarterback whose throwing style suited T.O. well. They've got loud-mouthed, energetic, somewhat thuggish guys on the team with whom he could have hung around and made friends. Instead, he ticked everybody off, and got suspended and shipped to Dallas.

And yet, as I said, I kind of feel sorry for T.O. It isn't entirely his fault he is a self-absorbed jacka$$. He's been told by myriads of people how great he is, and how no one appreciates him, and how fabulous his mad skillz are, and all that junk. He's essentially been groomed to be the ultimate prima donna, a spoiled brat to end all spoiled brats. Look at his circumstances. He's paid obscene amounts of money to play a game. He's a wide receiver, a position designed for attention-seekers. These guys are big, fast, and incredibly graceful (well, they're supposed to be). They get much of the glory in the game. So when you are really good at it, you can expect to spend plenty of time in the limelight. This is why we have so many spoiled receivers (T.O., Randy Moss, Keyshawn "Throw me the d&$% ball" Johnson). T.O. has also played with some of the best quarterbacks in the game, so he's received plenty of passes and gained oodles of yardage. And when everyone talks to you about how wonderful you are, you can't help but start to believe it. He's been pumped full of this by his family, his coaches, his teammates, and the media. You can't watch Sports Center without hearing something about him. It's no wonder he's full of himself; everyone has filled him with it. I had a spoiled brat student once (well, way more times than just once, but I'm thinking of one specific incident). I always wondered where the attitude problem came from, until the day I had a conference with the parents. The mother told me that this particular girl had always had trouble relating to her peers because they were "so intimidated by her beauty". Well, of course if the kid has been taught the world revolves around her, she'll try to force it to do just that, to the annoyance of the rest of the world. T.O. is like that girl. He's been told that he is everything, he is the driving force, he is the raison d'etre (no idea if that is correctly spelled in any way). Of course he is going to act this way! And now we are getting tired of him and his antics, and he doesn't understand what he has done wrong. All he has done all this time is act exactly how we've expected him to. And now we're trying to punish him for it.

I can't condone his behavior, because ultimately he does make the choice every week to be an a$$. He could change if he really wanted to. But I can't blame him entirely, because we have created this monster ourselves. So I will continue to feel a little sorry for him, sitting alone on the bench with no teammates to hang with.

Monday, October 02, 2006





What the hell is going on? Where did all the crazy people come from? If it isn't the current students, it's the former students. If it isn't students, it's random adults.

I don't remember violence like this when I was growing up. And yet I remember that song that the kids used to sing:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school...(don't remember this part)...
Glory, glory, halleluia
Teacher hit me with a ruler
Met her at the door
With a loaded .44
And she ain't gonna teach no more.

OK, so the concept of school violence was there when we were children, but the actual violence wasn't there. So what has changed?

When I was a kid, students got angry because of things teachers did or said. But no one brought a gun to school to shoot them. When I was a kid, children got punished (even paddled) by the principal, but not one kid came back to school to kill the administrators. When I was a kid, the playground was rife with teasing and bullying, but none of the picked-on kids snapped and planned a siege on their classmates. So what had changed?

I'm not asking these questions rhetorically. I really don't understand why we have this chain of school-related shootings in the past ten years or so. Is it something the schools are doing (or not doing)? What about the parents? Is it a lack of supervision? Is it all the violence on TV?

I ask these questions partly as a horrified citizen in a world that seems to be going crazy. I also ask these questions as a potential parent (I don't have children currently, but it is possible some day). And I REALLY want to know the answers as a teacher. I work in a private Catholic school that is populated by all girls, and it is unlikely that any of them could snap in that way (all the perpetrators of the school shootings seem to be male). But that doesn't preclude the possibility of something like what happened this past week in Colorado or in Pennsylvania today, with a seemingly random adult shooter taking and killing hostages in a murder-suicide.

I just don't understand. Maybe I should start taking donations to purchase some body armor...