I love this show. If you've never seen it, Mythbusters is all about testing urban legends using science and high explosives. And when I say high explosives, I mean it.


Mythbusters Blow Up A Cement Truck - For more funny movies, click here

That is entertainment. And science. And a really big frickin' explosion. Could it ever get better than that?

Today is the second anniversary of the death of my mother, from cancer. I'm very thankful that I was there. My mother was going in for surgery to remove more cancer (she'd had another surgery three years before), and she and my dad had downplayed the situation and told me I didn't have to come home for the surgery. Well, I didn't listen to them, and immediately got plane tickets to go home for the weekend. I can't imagine if I hadn't gone home. As horrible as it was to sit in the hospital and hear the doctor tell us my mother was gone, it would have been so much worse to have been at work all day, away from a phone (since I'm a teacher), and have gotten the news that afternoon when school got out. My dad probably would have called my husband, and my husband probably would have come to the school to tell me the news. I just can't imagine how that would have felt, knowing I hadn't seen her one last time. Thank God I went home, and got to hug her, and kiss her, and say good-bye to her as they wheeled her off to surgery.

So please, hug your loved ones and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be your last chance to do so.

Oh boy, if that isn't the truth.

Played nine holes of golf last evening after work, since the days have gotten longer but not long enough to get in a whole eighteen (at least, not for a crappy golfer like me). I probably need to pick up some lessons again here and there--I've gotten inconsistent with my swing. I'll top it, try to compensate on the next hole by really trying to stay down, and slam my club into the ground a good six inches in front of my ball. Sucks.

Wait, I know what I need: new clubs!!! I'm sure a couple of fairway woods and a hybrid or two will solve all my problems, right?

Easter is a time of reflection, of renewal. It's a time for things to start over.

So I'm reflecting on the fact that I haven't lost any weight. I realized, with a great deal of demoralization, that this past Friday was day 100 of my 2009 attempt at weight loss. And yet I haven't lost any weight. At all. My weight has fluctuated in a range of approximately 6 lbs, but it won't stay in one place, and it won't stay down.

I guess it's time for the renewal part. I need to rededicate myself to the weight loss goal. I've got about seven weeks until I'm done with work and free for the summer. During the summer I should be able to work out more and all that stuff, but I need to get a head start. If I can buckle down, I might be able to get rid of about 10 lbs by then. That would be great.

So, here's the "start over" part. I looked back at my previous weight loss attempt, back in 2005-2006. From November 2005 to the middle of the summer in 2006 (maybe 9 months?) I lost about 45 lbs. I did it by working out every day. On weekdays, I worked out twice each day, for about an hour each workout, regardless of what time of day it meant I would get home. I also worked out on weekends. On Saturdays and Sundays my husband and I would go to the gym and play racquetball for about an hour. Sometimes we'd hit the elliptical machines before we'd play.

I need to start over. I need to go back to that habit. I need to work out before and after work, every day, regardless of what time I end up getting home. It sucks. I hate it. But I don't think I can lose weight any other way.

I don't know why I find this funny, but I do. I think it's hilarious.

I have been successful so far in my shunning of one of my formerly favorite beverage genres: those of the carbonated variety. It's been, well, since whenever I said I would stop drinking diet coke. Anyway, it hasn't stopped my occasional need for caffeine.

I am not traditionally one of those teachers who craves loads of caffeine. One of my close friends, an elementary school teacher, hits her local Starbucks so frequently that she no longer waits in line and places her order. The barristas see her pull into the parking lot and make her regular order. It's waiting for her when she walks up to the counter, she pays, and she leaves. Wow. The woman is so caffeinated that you can feel the air around her vibrating.

I don't hit Starbucks much myself, although I will when I have a gift card (a common grade-grubbing gift from students), since it's not really my money then. I'm constantly amazed that a tree-hugging, free-loving, hippie environment such as Seattle could produce such a corporate juggernaut as Starbucks. I don't feel that I am either a tree-hugging hippie or a suburban assault vehicle-driving soccer mom with a coffee addiction, but Starbucks does taste pretty good.

However, Starbucks is expensive, and I don't currently have a gift card burning a hole in my wallet, so I decided to try the new, inexpensive coffee sensation: the McCafe Mocha.





Looks pretty good. And I'm sure everyone has seen the commercial, making fun of the types of people who are, in McDonald's less-than-high class opinion, likely to drink coffee from and spend time at Starbucks.





So, this morning, as I was rushing to work, I felt I was a little tired, and I figured I'd give the ol' golden arches a chance to win me over with its caffeinated glories. I was handed my cup of McMocha. I flipped up the little lid. I tilted the cup. And I took my first sip.

Yeecchh.

It was bitter, and burnt-tasting, and HORRIBLE. I don't think I've ever consumed anything worse. I waited a few moments, and tried another sip, thinking maybe I was being unfair.

Nope.

I tried maybe six or seven sips, each time shuddering with the awfulness of it all.

Now, it's possible that the failure might not have been the coffee at all, but rather the particular McDonald's that provided it. The McDonald's in our small southern town is slow at best and lame at worst. You know it's bad when you only order two items and they can't manage to put all of them in the bag on the first try. So it is quite likely that this batch of coffee HAD been sitting on the heating element since some time last month. I may take an opportunity to try again at a different McDonald's elsewhere in the region.

But for now, I guess I'll spend more money than I really need to to buy an overpriced caffeinated drink after waiting in line behind a bunch of soccer moms and hippies.

Considering the fact that Chinese food is my food-heroin (along with Mexican), this picture made perfect sense.

Sometimes, something good happens when you really, really need it. On a day when I've been fighting a screaming headache and have not felt any motivation to do anything, I got a little piece of happy dropped into my lap.

I teach at a private school, and alumni are always encouraged to come and visit and see all the fabulous things that are happening at the school (and then, of course, they are asked to cough up a donation or two to pay for such wonderful things). As a consequence, former students are forever dropping by and roaming the hallways. It's always fun to see former students and spend a few moments catching up with them, although I've discovered the ones who come back and visit the most are often the ones we were so glad to be rid of in the first place--the ones I really want to see are usually the ones who are leading such fantastically successful and fun lives that they don't have time to come back and check out the new library.

So I was absolutely overjoyed to see the face that appeared at my door today, conveniently NOT during one of my classes. This former student was a member of the first class I ever taught at this school, automatically earning her a place in my heart. But she was one of the really great kids; I would never play favorites with students currently in my classes, but with a graduate I can safely say she's one of the favorites I've ever taught. I'm sure this girl has said something unpleasant to someone in the course of her life, but I'd be hardpressed to tell you where or when or to whom, because it sure wasn't here. Sweet, hard-working, funny, clever, gorgeous...I'm blessed to have taught a whole group of girls like this. If I have kids, I want one like this.

Kids like this bring out the best in everyone. Teachers try harder when they have students who work hard and do their best; it's sad but true. And other students respond to people like this. A classic example of this came at the end of this student's freshman year. The weekend before exams, this student's house caught fire and burned to the ground. It was an errant lightning strike, and thankfully the family was not home, but they lost many of their possessions, including some of their pets (which breaks your heart anyway). The lightning actually struck this girl's room, so the devastation of her belongings was total. Clothing, school books, everything gone. So this sweet little thing shows up to school on the day before exams in street clothes (private school=uniforms) with no books and informs everyone she plans to take her exams anyway. Who wouldn't bend over backwards for this kid? Her classmates xeroxed their notes and lent her their textbooks so she could study. She took all her tests and did very well on them, just as she would have if her house had not burned down. On the last day of exams, all the freshmen were called into the hallway. The girls all sat along the lockers, and this girl was called forward by the class president and some of her friends. The students explained that they wanted her to have a good summer and not worry about all her belongings and clothes, and then they presented her with gifts. Clothes. Books. CDs. Shoes. Makeup. Everything a teenage girl could ask for. And then they handed her the gift cards. Visa gift cards loaded with money so she could go shopping anywhere she wanted for anything she needed. That's how much her classmates loved and respected her. They wanted to take care of her.

It was the first time I cried, as a teacher. This is what learning's all about. Grammar and math and languages are great, but this girl taught her classmates, and they taught her back, that caring about someone and taking care of someone is the most important thing you'll ever do.

The face of this girl at my door today brought it all back to me. She thanked me for preparing her so well for college (she said she aced her composition class). And she was genuinely happy to see me and to reminisce.

These girls, they're why I teach. They are my happy thoughts, my marbles (remember Hook with Robin Williams, where the one Lost Boy had lost his marbles, which were his happy thoughts?). Without them, I'm not a teacher at all.

This morning--194.8.

Huh. Maybe there is something to this whole working out thing after all. I am sore as hell, though. I lifted weights yesterday and today in the hopes of toning up the junk in my trunk. Working out is supposed to make you feel better and have more energy, but I'm really tired and really sore. I hope the "feeling better" thing shows up sooner rather than later.

Anyway, I get regular updates from a weight-loss site (is there irony? perhaps). One of the recent ones had to do with weight-loss sabotage. While the article spent quite a bit of time talking about other people sabotaging your weight loss goals for a variety of reasons, there was a segment about sabotaging your own goals. I found that section very interesting because I am so often guilty of it.

1. Setting unrealistic expectations or having impossible goals. While I would love to think that the jeans that fit me when I was a senior in college might someday fit again, I have to accept the fact that my body has actually changed dimensions, regardless of the fat or lack thereof. I have a pair of size 3 board shorts that I used to love, tucked away in my closet as a reminder of my former glory (so to speak). If I hold those up to my body, I can plainly see that my hip bones, not my fat but my BONES, are now wider than the shorts. I will never wear them again, and there is NOTHING that can be done about it. So trying to get down to the size I was in college is both ridiculous and a tremendous waste of time. So is the goal of losing more than a pound or so each week, every week. I have never sustained such a weight loss week after week at any time in my 34 years of life--there is NO way I could expect to lose that kind of weight on a regular basis now. Yes, I may have a week where I drop 3 pounds, but that should be a surprise for which to be thankful, not an occurrence to be expected.

2. Following an overly restrictive diet. I must face the facts that a) I love to eat and B) I need food. I cannot live on 800 calories a day, or even a 1000. I get cranky and easily distracted, and I cease being a productive or even remotely enjoyable person. What I need to focus on is portion control, since I can easily put down 1500 calories in a sitting if I'm at a restaurant, and avoiding the foods that are most destructive, fat- and calorie-wise.

3. Doing too much exercise too soon. Yeah, I know, that's exactly what I'm guilty of yesterday and today. Instead of starting slowly because I haven't really worked out in three weeks, I spent about an hour each morning lifting weights and doing crunches, and now I can barely move. I need to ease into this a little better than I'm doing. Of course, now that I've put in two days, I need to stretch. A lot. Ow.

4. Overbooking. If I would take a little more time to organize myself, and dedicate a little time here and a little time there to the things I need to do, I would have more time here and there to do the other things I need and want, like working out and reading. I also take on more projects and things than I need to. Everyone needs a little "me" time, and that may mean not offering to make a dish for a staff party, but instead picking up something ready-made at the store.

5. Making excuses. A guy I used to work for said, "Excuses are like armpits. Everyone has a couple and they all stink." I am the master excuser. I can justify missing a workout with things like, "Well, I had to do the dishes, so I skipped the workout", or "I'll just go for a run later instead of going to the gym," or "I'll work out twice as hard tomorrow, but I really want to go home and watch that show right now." I need to stop the excuses and make the workouts the only things (well, and work I suppose) that are graven in stone. I MUST WORK OUT. No excuses. I tend to think of my students at times like this. They work so hard to AVOID doing their work. If they'd only put that kind of effort into actually DOING the work, they'd all have really good grades. I should be like that with exercise. Instead of trying to avoid it, I should put the avoidance energy into the gym.

6. Being a slave to the scale. I do this one daily. Every day I weigh myself (in the morning), and then I kick myself all day long if I've gained. But I know as well as anyone that my weight fluctuates quite a bit on a day-to-day basis. So I really should not worry as much about the daily weigh-ins, and start just recording a weekly weigh-in instead. That way I don't depress myself when things don't go as I want them.

So anyway, I'm on track, for now. I'm gonna go stretch now. Ow.

Weigh-in: 196.4

Today was the first day of...well...whatever it's called when you start over again (for like the 50th time). I dragged my sorry butt out of bed this morning and hit the gym. I will either golf this afternoon (perhaps the driving range, or maybe 9 holes) or I will go back to the gym again. I will repeat this process over and over until I manage to lose some weight, or until the apocalypse, whatever comes first.

The biggest problem I have with the gym in the morning is that it makes me HUNGRY. It must kickstart my metabolism, because then I crave food. All day long. No matter what I eat. So when I work out in the morning it becomes a game of portion control and self-restraint. Otherwise, I'll easily take in enough calories to negate whatever good I did at the gym in the first place.

And I crave steak. Meh.

Well, I drank my last soda today. Probably. I hope.

I've been drinking diet sodas for quite a long time now, thinking I was being so clever avoiding all those extra calories. But now so much is coming to light about how bad DIET sodas are for you, that it seems we should cut them out of our diets altogether.

Sodas are bad for you in many ways. When you drink a soda, you inhale the carbon dioxide from the bubbles. Carbon dioxide is heavier than air, so it sinks in your lungs and actually takes up valuable space in your lungs. This makes it impossible for you to get as full a breath as you would otherwise be capable of. Many coaches prefer their athletes not drink carbonated beverages, to maximize their air intake.

Also, sodas not only prevent calcium being absorbed by your system but also actually leach calcium from your bones, possibly contributing to osteoporosis.

The acid in sodas eats at the enamel of your teeth, contributing to cavities, and the caramel coloring can stain your teeth.

Caffeine is a diuretic and known addictive stimulant.

Those are just a few of the issues to which sodas contribute. But recent studies of diet sodas suggest there is another problem. Diet sodas were created for those who were concerned with the number of calories they were consuming. The substitution of artificial sweeteners for the already non-nutritious high-fructose corn syrup was supposed to help people lose weight. Instead, some studies show that people who consume large amounts of diet sodas may actually gain weight rather than lose it.

One of the possible reasons could be that the taste of the sweet drink "tricks" the system into thinking that something with calories has been consumed, and the system then starts "looking" for those calories. When no calories are found, it may actually trigger the system into wanting to consume more calories to make up for those that are missing. So one might end up actually eating more calories rather than fewer.

No idea if that's true or not, but it's getting to the point where the diet sodas aren't helping me anyway, so I should probably just drop them. I need to just replace them with water, or iced tea if I really need the caffeine.

I don't know if it will help, but it obviously can't hurt.

I wish I could be that brave. I also have no idea how to approach that math problem. Good thing I don't teach math.

Ahh, I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning...

So.

Back from my kayaking trip, first day back from Spring Break, time for a report.

EPIC FAIL.

On the weight issue, I mentioned my failure last week on the drive to eastern Tennessee. My target weight for last week was 185. My actual weight was almost 200. Despite my protestations, I simply couldn't get my act together. Rarely hit the gym, rarely followed a coherent eating plan, and it certainly showed.

On the "hoping to move" issue, we're still here. At this point, we're glad to at least have jobs, as so many others have lost theirs. It's a bad time to be looking to make a change, so we're still in a bit of a holding pattern. Still looking, but we figure it may take a little while. We don't really want to buy a house here, as it will just tie us down, and while moving into a nicer rental would be great it probably would cost us more each month, thereby cutting into the money we're trying to save. So I guess we'll just stay in our current house and make the best of it.

On the kayaking front, this past weekend was not what I had hoped for. Part of it is my weight--I'm over the maximum weight for my boat, which makes it harder to handle--and part of it is my own mental weirdness, but I've really regressed in my paddling. A few summers ago (aligning with my lightest weight since starting to kayak, interestingly enough) I was feeling good about my abilities and kind of psyching myself up to step up to harder rivers. Since then, I've chickened out on more than a few trips, I've had some swims on some rivers that I had plenty of experience on and hadn't struggled with before, and my eskimo roll seems to have some consistency issues.

So I have a lot to work on. My new goal is to have dealt with and made progress on these issues by the time we get to my summer vacation (last week in May). That's 10 weeks from now. Hopefully I can get this back on track, before I just give up entirely.

Short post from my iPhone. On the way to our kayaking trip. Disappointed to report utter failure on the weight loss/exercise front. Today was my day of reckoning. My January goal was to have lost about 15 lbs by today and be in some semblance of shape. Nope. Today's weigh-in: 198.6. I never did find a handle on either the exercise routine or the eating habits. Well, it is what it is, as my husband says. I'll just have to do what I can this weekend, and start over when we return. I suppose my new goal will be comparable to my previous one, with my summer break as the deadline. *sigh* I'm getting to old for this s#it.

Oh, this is so true...I keep saying it, but I keep just right on eating...

It makes me sad to say goodbye.

Today, The Rocky Mountain News from Colorado produced its final edition. The departure of Rocky, as it was often called, still leaves one publishing paper in Denver--The Denver Post. Many cities are discovering similarly that in the declining economy (and declining use of printed media) there is only room for one major paper in a region. Many of these cities have consolidated their papers. The remaining papers also find themselves cutting back on staff and production, leaving many former employees out of a job and searching for one in a market that simply doesn't exist anymore.

It is sad to see newspapers dying out. First of all, it is a media that provides news and services to a market that is WOEFULLY underserved. What about all the poor people who cannot afford computers and internet? How are they to get their news, find out about jobs, etc.? Second, it provides an opportunity for reading that many people may not find elsewhere. I know I do not like reading information on a computer screen nearly as much as I enjoy it on paper. And what about all those silly things, like the paper mache projects we did when we were kids--where will kids get their paper mache now?

I'm guilty of contributing to the decline of newspapers. When I moved out of the suburban sprawl of Memphis and relocated a few miles south of the border in Mississippi, I did not renew my newspaper subscription. This is not because I prefer the Internet for my news as much as because the Memphis paper isn't a great one anyway. But I do get and have gotten my news from the Internet for a long time now. There is a lot to be said for being able to quickly search through the information for stories that are relevant.

I suppose it is inevitable, to see traditional papers going away and being replaced by websites and instant news updates sent to cell phones, but it is sad to see an institution such as Rocky, only a few months shy of its 150th anniversary, closing its doors forever. Especially since I have a fond connection to the paper--I was born in Denver, and I subscribed to Rocky when I was in college in Wyoming.

So goodbye, old friend, and I guess from now on Coloradans will read all about it in the Post. For how long is anyone's guess.

It's true; I am a master of the "medium" setting on Guitar Hero.

And just so you know, I didn't do nearly the damage the other night that I thought I did--today's weigh in: 195.8. Whee!

Sort of shot myself in the foot last night, er, stomach I guess. After my most excellent weigh-in yesterday morning of 195, I went out and celebrated by indulging in a Chinese buffet. Chinese food is probably tied with Mexican food for the most destructive to my weight-loss goal. With Mexican food, it's all the fats and oils (and chips); with Chinese food, it's probably a toss-up between the sheer volume (I mean, it is a buffet for goodness' sake; you're supposed to eat all you can) and the salts that make me retain water. So this morning's weigh-in was 197.2, a much less enjoyable moment than yesterday. Guess it's back to the gym to undo what I've done. *sigh*

Today's weigh-in: 195.0

Well, holy crap. Still not sure what's finally assisting the success, but I'll take it, whatever it is.

On another topic, I'm going to have to call my dad and thank him for the job he and my mother did raising my brother and me. I'm now realizing what a nice, normal, non-screwed up childhood I had, as I read The Commercial Appeal's coverage of a murder trial in the Memphis area. This girl, Noura Jackson, is on trial for the stabbing death of her mother. This woman was stabbed over 50 times. The reason I've been following this gruesome story is because a bunch of my former students are all mixed up in it. This girl attended the school where I teach, thankfully before my time, but she would have been in the same grade as the first freshman class I taught. By all accounts she was quite the party animal and had numerous discipline problems, so I'm really glad I never had to deal with her. But a bunch of the girls I did teach were her friends, for worse, clearly. And they were all with her in the weeks, days, even hours before and after her mother was killed, so now they are all being called to testify. And it isn't just my girls--it is the older brothers, cousins, and even boyfriends of some of the girls who are being called to the stand. A disturbing lifestyle is unfolding, one of sex, alcohol, pot, cocaine, mushrooms, and prescription drugs. Obviously, a number of my girls are guilty of participating in this lifestyle.

I'm left wondering, what is the difference in my childhood, compared to theirs, that created such a different experience for me? I know there had to be plenty of kids when I was in high school who drank, but I would be hard-pressed to point them out. Since I grew up in Southern California there had to be plenty of skaters and surfers who were stoned all the time, but again, I didn't know many of them and didn't hang around with them. I can only think of one friend who ever got into a "hard" drug, meth, and thankfully that was for a short period of time. Out of my graduating class of about 800 students I know of ONE who was pregnant when we graduated, so if they were all having sex they were awfully quiet about it. And I never did any of that. So why am I so different from these kids now?

Is it the money? My parents didn't have a lot of money, but we got by OK. Maybe these parents give their kids too many things. My parents' policy was, "Well, I didn't have it growing up, so you must not need it." Do parents not say "no" to their kids anymore? Is it the strict religious education? All these kids, boys and girls, all attended Catholic schools at one point. Are the Catholics doing something wrong? I was raised Lutheran, which we always joking said was "Catholic-light: all the ritual, none of the guilt." Is the culture of guiltiness causing these kids to go ahead and make themselves guilty? Is it the single-sex school environment? I do know our girls tend to act like complete fools when they're around boys, because they haven't learned to socialize with them. From an educational perspective it's great, but from a social development perspective I wonder. Is it TV? They all watch Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill and Gossip Girls, which show lifestyles like this all the time. But hey, I watched Beverly Hills: 90210 and the first few seasons of The Real World, but I didn't try to live like that.

I wish I knew what it was so that I could help fix it. And I want to know what mistakes are being made by these parents so that I don't make them someday if I choose to have children.

What a scary, f*&^ed-up world we live in.

First of all, yes, it WAS a joke. Thank goodness.

Second, I weighed in this morning at 196.8, so far the lightest since I started keeping track again the beginning of January, so Yay me!

But then we come to the purpose of this post. Have you ever been given one of those "left-handed compliments"? You know, a compliment that also seems a bit like a criticism?

I'll give an example. One year, as I was bewailing an approaching birthday, a student of mine asked how old I was going to be. Upon hearing the answer, she exclaimed, "Oh, you aren't that old!" I'm sure she was intending to convey the feeling that my upcoming age was not as old as I was perceiving it to be, but instead I took it to mean "Well, you are old, but not as old as you could be." Sort of a compliment, but also a recognition that I am apparently no spring chicken. Or even summer turkey.

I'm sure today's left-handed compliment was just as innocuous. "You look so cute today!" I did dress up a bit more than usual. Some teachers like to be formal and put-together; I am as much of a slob as I can get away with. My husband often complains that I would wear open-toed shoes every day if I could. He's partly right: I love open-toed shoes, but really if I could do it without getting reprimanded I'd go shoeless every time. Anyway, I usually wear clogs, mules, or comfy tennis shoes most days, with slacks and a slightly dressy t-shirt (by dressy I mean it is one of the little stretch t's they sell at Old Navy or Target, not a true cotton T-shirt promoting a sporting event or something). My hair is almost always in a ponytail because I hate taking the time to dry it and straighten it. I do wear makeup every day; that's probably the one "fashion" item I always wear. But today I straightened my hair, and I wore black slouchy suede boots with black leggings (and turquoise socks, which the girls loved because they matched my earrings of all things) and an oversized cream-colored chenille turtleneck sweater. This is pretty much the height of fashion for me, and as good as it's going to get. So I understand the girls' intentions--I was certainly dressed nicer than usual.

But it really made me feel bad about how I'm dressed every other day. I'm already an oversized clod in a herd of trim, nimble, gracefully-aging former sorority girls with fashion sense and a much better ability to color-coordinate than I've ever had. I never went through a girly stage in my life, so I've always dressed like a tomboy. And now, all the fashions that I find really cute are either "too young" for me (there is nothing sadder than a woman in her mid-thirties trying to dress like a teenager) or are not cut to look appealing on someone over a size 8, which I most certainly am well beyond. One of my coworkers favors close cut trousers and tailored jackets; another is tall and willowy and loves shorter skirts and flouncy tops. And here I am, whale amongst dolphins, and I can't even take a compliment without finding some way for it to hurt my feelings.

So maybe I need to take a little more time in the mornings, picking out my clothes, working on my hair, all that crazy stuff. Or maybe I'll keep getting up at the time I get up, go about my same routine, and hope that big and baggy comes back into fashion.

I really hope it's a joke.

I spent my whole weekend in Knoxville, shepherding a group of high school girls at the TN High School Swimming and Diving Championships. My girls are generally not a problem, and I've never before come away from a state meet totally frustrated, but this was different.

First, the meet has been in Nashville ever since I started coaching high school. Add an extra three hours to the drive both ways and a time change, and you've got a recipe for tiredness. We had to stay an extra day, because of the length of the drive, so I had to put up with the girls for longer than I have before.

Then we add in the "in town" driving factor. In Nashville, we always stay right by the pool, so we can walk back and forth between the pool and the hotel. There are plenty of restaurants of varying styles and price ranges in the area, so we never have to drive anywhere at all. In Knoxville our hotel was on the opposite side of UT's campus from the sports center, so we couldn't walk to the pool without walking 1.5 miles across very busy streets lugging swim bags. It meant loading the girls up every time we had to go anywhere. Parking was a pain, both on campus for the meet and off campus at restaurants, so we spent a lot of time either dropping off the girls and then looking for a parking space, or wrangling my SUV into very small spaces.

The unfamiliarity with the area was a problem as well. We didn't know what restaurants were available, so it was much harder for the girls to make a decision about where they wanted to eat. They would change their minds several times before finally setting on what was usually the least convenient option.

Thankfully I did have several parents who were helping transport the girls; otherwise I would have had to do a lot of shuttling back and forth.

But probably most frustrating aspect of the trip was the involvement of other teams in our plans. You see, the swimming community in Memphis is very small. There aren't many pools available to host high school teams' practices during the swim season. The major pools already have year-round swimming programs that practice during the times of day that would be the best for everyone else, namely the hours right after school. These year-round programs are nice enough to allow the high school teams to utilize some of their pool space, but it benefits the year-round programs--we must pay them per swimmer, and the high school swimmers must actually JOIN the year-round team for the duration of the season. The times available for the high school swimmers to practice are much less convenient (for example, 7:00-8:30 at night), and many of the swimmers get so tired of the late nights that they join the year-round teams full-time so they can practice earlier in the day, which gets more money to the year-round teams.

The kids all know each other from the year-round swimming programs, so they are competing against teammates during the high school season. When we go to a big meet like the state championships, they wander around the meet looking for the year-round teammates rather than staying with their high school teams. Some of the girls have boyfriends who swim for other schools, so I have to go hunting for the boys' schools when it comes time to get in the water, because my girls are missing. They want to get all their friends on other high school teams together to go do things, like eat or watch movies, rather than stay with their own teammates for the whole weekend. And the year-round coaches don't help--they come to the meets, expect their swimmers to practice and warm-up as a year-round team, and encourage the kids to get together as a year-round team rather than as high school teams. It's incredibly distressing, but there's very little I can do about it. If I complain about too much year-round influence, I stand the possibility of losing my pool space to practice in.

I feel like I've been reduced to the job of chaperone rather than coach. If the year-round coaches want to have so much influence during the high school season, I think THEY should be the ones to go to all the meets, handle all the entries, and chaperone the trip. I did quite a bit to make the girls' trip run smoothly, but when they planned a "fun night" with their year-round buddies, no one told me about it, certainly no one asked me, and they clearly expected me to drive them where they wanted to go (it ended up falling through, but it irked me completely that they would have the nerve to expect such treatment).

I've had run-ins with year-round coaches before, but never has their influence so broadly affected my trip as this year. And the girls' behavior in running around with their friends and acting like divas (one was "dramatically" sick while she had to swim but perked right up when she didn't have to later that evening, and one supposedly dislocated her shoulder while warming down after a race, almost like she needed attention for something) should have been somewhat expected since it's a young state team (two seniors, one sophomore, four freshmen) but was really bothersome and seemed to drag the older girls into it as well.

While I was proud of how the girls swam, I spent the whole weekend really irritated and really tired. This is the first state meet since I started coaching high school (ninth season) that I didn't really have fun. It makes me question how much longer I want to coach a sport.

And then we get to the joke part of this rather long post. Now that the season is over, I sent an e-mail to our AD, asking about getting our stipend for the season. His e-mail response was, "I told the administration that you and [your assistant coach] would forgo your stipend this season."

No "JK!" or "LOL" or anything to indicate he might be kidding. He IS a kidder, somewhat, but usually there is something there to suggest it. I sent him my own "kidding" e-mail, with " :( *sniff* ", hoping to trigger a "No really, here's when you can expect to get paid", but I got nothing at all in return.

He'd better be joking. I give up nights and weekends for this sport, and I live 45 minutes from town which means a really long drive home, often late at night, after meets. I'd BETTER be getting paid for this. If not, it will easily answer my question about how long I want to keep coaching.

Well, I was completely unprepared for this morning's weigh-in.

197.4

Now, it isn't the weight that is surprising--it does equal my lowest weight since the beginning of the year, but it is certainly within the range of weights that I tend to expect from my whole "eat badly and don't work out" weight-loss plan.

What IS surprising is the fact that I weighed in this light after this past weekend. I was out of town with the team that I coach, and the weekend was full of nothing but eating out and either sitting or standing around the pool, watching athletes exert themselves and burn calories. The only exercise I got was walking a few blocks between the sports center and where I had parked the car. When I ate with the team, it was mostly full of bread, pasta, pizza, and other such high-calorie, high-fat foods. I even ate candy in the car on the drive home. So I fully expected to find myself at over 200 lbs when I weighed myself this morning, possibly even as high as 205.

Now, it is possible that this weigh-in is just really, really dehydrated. I did not drink nearly the water this weekend that I should have. But also it's that TOTM, and I would have thought I would be retaining water. So perhaps I really did better this weekend than I thought. I did at least eat more salad than I typically do.

Anyway, last week I did not get started on the "12 Weeks to Weight Loss" plan from About.com, due to a variety of excuses (funeral to attend, trip to plan, lessons for sub to arrange, all that jazz). So I am going to try starting this thing today. Here's what week one is supposed to look like:

Getting Started: The two things the plan suggested seemed pretty obvious--get a starting weight and get starting measurements. I guess the starting weight then would be today's, 197.4. I'd love to get down to below 150 lbs, which is almost a 50 lb drop. I also took some measurements at what I thought were spots that made sense.
Upper arm (r)-15 inches
Bust-46 inches
Chest-38 inches
Waist-39 inches
Belly-43 inches
Hips-48 inches
Upper thigh (r)-27 inches
Calf (r)-17 inches

While I don't know what the "ideal" measurements are supposed to be, I definitely want to trim these down. The plan suggested remeasuring every four weeks.

Day One: Interval Training (cardio)--after warming up for a few minutes, increase the resistance and speed and hold it for a minute, then decrease for a few minutes, and keep repeating for the duration of the workout. The plan also strongly encourages stretching to increase flexibility.

Day Two: Strength Training--start lifting weights, a full-body program, and also make sure you're doing ab workouts with crunches and such.

Day Three: Endurance (cardio)--after the warmup, you should slightly increase resistance and speed every few minutes throughout the duration of the workout.

Day Four: Strength Training--this is the same workout as Day Two. The plan also talks about Active Rest. Active Rest just means trying to inject a little more activity into your daily routine. It suggests stretching for about five minutes every hour, using part of your lunch period to take a short walk, and doing crunches or push-ups during commercial breaks on TV.

Day Five: Variety (cardio)--the suggestion here is to not do the same cardio machine every time. The plan suggests using a different machine, or doing circuit training, or going outside to walk/jog. This is going to be key for me, because I get really bored at the gym doing the same thing every time.

Day Six: Core Strength--find some new exercises to do to strength back and ab muscles. Use a medicine ball, exercise ball, or resistance band. The food suggestion of the day is also to clean out the pantry of "undesirable" foods, and substitute one "bad" thing you regularly eat with something healthier. The example they give is Coke--if you drink one every day, substitute water instead.

The plan gives you the seventh day off.

Anyway, I still need to lose as much weight as possible before Creek Week in mid-March. I will also be going home to San Diego for a few days at the beginning of that week, so I'd like to look better for that too. Sadly, that's only three weeks from now, so I doubt that I will be able to lose a whole lot. I really need to put some effort into this if I'm going to see any progress at all.

Some prayers are needed for one of my students and her family. Last night, the father of one of my sophomores was shot and killed in an argument over a parking space. I believe this student has some siblings, but her mother died when she was younger, so she is now an orphan. This is the sickest, most horrifying thing I can imagine. This little girl is very quiet and shy, and I am hard-pressed to identify who her friends in the class might be. I am an adult who has struggled to come to grips with losing a parent, and this child has now lost BOTH. Please keep this little one in your prayers.

This is one of many reasons I am so unsuccessful in dieting. When I eat out, I eat too much because that's what comes as the meal, and I was taught as a kid to be sure to clean my plate. But when I cook, I should be able to control the portions, right? Wrong.

Today's weigh-in: 199.6. I have made no progress whatsoever. And I'm running out of time...I need to shake some of this weight off before our kayaking trip in the middle of March. I've only got five weeks left. Yikes!

This may be the funniest thing I've ever read in my life, and it is a real letter, really sent to the president of Virgin Airlines. Enjoy.

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3, above].

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5, above].
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6, above].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7, above].

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to its knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly
XXXX

Well, my weigh-in this morning was 198.0, which is up a tiny bit from yesterday, but since my arch-nemesis Mexican Food weighed in with me, I guess I did OK. I haven't done particularly well this week at my attempt at the SlimFast diet, but it hasn't been a total loss (er, gain). When I add in exercise, which I haven't done this week, things should go better.

Well, today is what we call a mixed bag. Despite the fact that I didn't completely adhere to my diet plan (ended up going to Backyard Burger for dinner and had a gouda-burger and fries, which really isn't recommended), I dropped down to 197.6 this morning in my weigh-in. I have no idea how that happened.

But the downside to the day is the fact that I am at work. We had all hoped hard for a snow day, but we didn't get one. Even worse than that, most of the schools in the area DID get the day off. Our administrator was waiting to see what the other schools did, and by the time the city schools and some of the private schools decided to close, it was close enough to the beginning of the school day that our president decided we had too many students on the way and it was too dangerous to turn them around and send them home. So it's a weird day at school. About two thirds of the students showed up, but others stayed home, either because their parents didn't want them to drive in the snow, or because their parents didn't want to bring them to school in the snow, or because they thought we wouldn't have school today, or because they just laid low and hoped for the best. So the classes are limping along with the students who did come to school today. Plus, all the kids who ARE here are bitching and moaning their way through the day. Doesn't make things very pleasant. I would have rather stayed home myself.

Haven't posted in a few days because there has been nothing to report. No weight loss, no working out, no eating better. Pretty depressing. The only thing I have hope for this week is a possible winter weather day off tomorrow. Crossing fingers and toes...

I do have one thing that I'm going to try. Since I have been spectacularly unsuccessful at the working out of late, I want to try a diet change. I'm sure this is something I won't be able to do for an extended period of time, but I want to try a minor experiment with the rest of this week. I know I am not going to get much gym time this week. I've already missed yesterday and this morning, and I won't be able to go this afternoon either. There's a potential snow/ice storm for tonight which might make it unlikely that I get to the gym tomorrow too. So this experiment is just about food.

I've planned out a diet that will run me just under 1200 calories per day. The plan looks like this:

Breakfast: small bowl of Cheerios with 1% milk--approximately 200 calories
glass of juice--approximately 140 calories
Snack: large banana--approximately 120 calories
Lunch: SlimFast shake--220 calories
Snack: Special K protein bar--180 calories
Dinner: SlimFast shake--220 calories

That plus the fiber supplement I take in the mornings (about 30 calories) will get me in around 1110 calories or so for the day. It's possible I might sneak in a handful or nuts or something too, but I'm going to try to just go with what's on the list so far.

If I can stick with this for a few days, I should be able to see a pound or so of weight loss, based on the 3500 calories/pound theory (if you burn 3500 calories more than you take in, you'll lose a pound). If I'm consuming approximately 2000 calories on a normal day (which I'm sure is a conservative estimate), then cutting about 800 each day for four days should get me about 3200, which should be almost a pound.

No idea if this is do-able or not. I don't know if I'll be starving to death by the time I get to the afternoon or not. I may have to tweak with this plan a little, but I'm determined to try it out this week.

But I'm already hungry...

Didn't get around to posting yesterday--busy, busy.

But the good news is, despite a nasty cold that kept me out of the gym and in a NyQuil coma for most of the week, I managed to get back down to 198.0, which means I've erased most of the gain from last week (was down to 197.4 at one point last week).

That means in three full weeks I've lost two pounds. Pretty pathetic. Hopefully the next week will be better--I won't have study hall after school as I have for the past two weeks, so I should be able to get to the gym early enough to beat the evening rush. If I'm going to make any progress, enough to make paddling in March more comfortable, I'll need to really hit it hard this week.

As far as weigh-ins go, I'm back to 200.0. Which means it has taken me pretty much all week to get back to the point I was at almost three weeks ago. Yay.

Saw an interesting video on CNN today. It's a CNN reporter discussing with a CNN analyst on Rush Limbaugh's anti-Obama sentiments. Apparently they were concerned because Rush said he wants Obama "to fail". They found this appalling.

First of all, I don't know why they would be surprised to find this sentiment coming out of Rush's mouth. Limbaugh advertises himself as the voice of the Republican Right. Naturally, the Republicans were...hoping McCain would win! *gasp* So it stands to reason that they would be hoping Obama would fail. If Obama fails, it shows the Democrats were wrong. That's how this works. Why CNN is so shocked, I dunno.

Second, the CNN reporters were convinced that Rush must be anti-American, because wishing for Obama's failure would be wishing for America's failure. So, none of these guys were wishing for Bush's failure? None of them were pleased to see Bush's policies doing poorly? None of these guys cackled with glee when Bush did something unsuccessful? Because that would make them anti-American too, wouldn't it? You know, since Bush was our President for eight years?

Even Saturday Night Live made fun of the media's obvious Obamania. They did a skit that was a send-up of a debate between Obama and Hillary Clinton, where all the questions towards Obama were things like, "Can I get you anything to drink?" and all the questions towards Hillary were, you know, QUESTIONS. Heck, when even SNL makes fun of it, you know there has to be something to it.

Well, the new era of change began with a slightly better weigh-in this morning than yesterday, but it still wasn't great. I really have to pick it up the rest of this week. Why is it so hard?

You know, yesterday I contemplated the issue of race with regards to the Presidency. Today I contemplate it for a different reason.

On CNN.com there was an article today about a movie premiering at the Sundance Film Festival. This movie, Prom Night in Mississippi, is about a prom held in 2007 in Charleston, Mississippi. They had proms for years, of course, but this one was different; this was the first prom in the town to ever allow both black and white students to attend. Traditionally the town, only about 2,000 people in size, held TWO proms: one for white students, one for blacks. Last school year was the first time they offered an integrated prom night. They still held a "whites only" prom, but it turns out that the integrated prom was better attended and peaceful, while a fight broke out between two white boys at the whites-only prom.

Why is this of note? First of all, this isn't 40 years ago, or 30, or 20, or even 10. This was just last school year.

And this town, where they still offer a "whites only" prom, is only 66 miles from the town where I live.

Attitudes like that, offering a dance where admission depends on the color of one's skin, is just as stupid as the attitude that someone should vote for a black candidate simply because he's black.

It's great that the United States has elected a black President. But the day when a minority is elected to an office and NO ONE exclaims over it, because no one even notices that person is a minority, THAT'S when I'll believe that things have truly changed.

Well, it's time for Barack Obama to put up or shut up. All this time the Democrats have been preaching change. Well, they got their administration in; let's see some change.

It isn't that I have anything against Obama. I'm certainly proud of our country and its ability to see past racial and gender lines. But if they think that the world is suddenly going to be a rosy, happy, better place tomorrow...well, I'd hide the guns, because there are going to be some sorely mistaken folks.

I was especially struck by something an NPR correspondent said on the radio this morning while I was driving to work. She was commenting on how early people had shown up on the Mall in DC for the inauguration, and she said, "All these people just want to be a part of an event that changes everything."

This event does not change EVERYTHING. Sadly, it doesn't change much of ANYTHING. People have not automatically stopped hating other people because they are different colors, genders, religions, orientations, or nationalities. People have not stopped judging others on completely ridiculous bases.

Just because an African American man was elected President does not mean every president from now until the end of time will be a minority. I've got news for you, folks; we'll probably have another old white guy in the Oval Office at some point. This does not immediately make it possible for blacks to get better jobs, better housing, or better health care, and it certainly doesn't keep inner-city blacks from shooting each other over the stupidest shit imaginable.

All this does is add a new page to the history books, for a new President. We would've had a new page anyway, regardless of who won.

I am NOT a racist. But I view Obama's election for what it is. Not the event that changes everything, but an event that shows how far we have come as a nation. We still have very, very far to go.

My fear is that people have hyped Obama so much he won't be able to live up to the expectations. The man is not a savior. He will not eradicate the US deficit tomorrow. In fact, he's going to add drastically to it (if he follows the typical Democrat pattern of spend, spend, spend). He will not (CANNOT) end our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan tomorrow. Bringing the troops home prematurely would be a tremendous mistake, and he knows it. That's why he let the military leadership President Bush had established remain in place. He will not immediately restore the world's faith in the US, in either our popularity or our industry.

All he can do is make the best decisions he can. That's the same thing McCain would have done, in the same position.

So, don't hype Obama as the Messiah. Don't expect to wake up tomorrow in a New World Order. Don't have such high expectations that the poor guy won't be able to live up to them. Just sit back, hold tight, expect things to probably get worse before they can get better.

And don't feed me this crap about how our electing a black President is going to "change everything". At this point in our history, racism is far down on the list of our worries.

And I'm not even going to post this morning's weigh-in because it SUCKED. Let's see Obama change THAT.

Oof. I knew I had it coming. But I was still somewhat taken aback by the scope. Today's weigh-in: 200.6. Ouch. I knew after the fast food and the beer and the four days in a row without working out that the weigh-in would be a gain rather than a loss, but I didn't really foresee a gain of almost two whole pounds. Eek. I know I can work hard this week at cutting down on eating and hit the gym hard, but still. Ouch.

Today's weigh-in was 198.8. Not the fabulous 197's of a few days ago, but a .2 drop from yesterday, despite TWO fast food meals (chicken fingers from Zaxby's for lunch and a chicken sandwich from Arby's, plus fried potato products from both). Also, I still haven't gone to the gym, instead relying on longer walks of the doggie.

Tomorrow's almost certainly won't go well, although I've done several LONG walks with the dog today (there must be a bug somewhere in the house, because he has been exhibiting his "the bug's gonna get me" behaviors all day). We made a big batch of chili since the weather has been so cool (heck, cold, earlier this week--daily highs were only in the 20's), which I'm sure isn't the best thing I could be eating. Plus, I'm drinking beer while watching football. And last, we made bread in our bread machine, and I ate a big ol' slice (with honey on it, still warm from the bread machine...yum). Needless to say, I've consumed more than my share of calories today.

What I need to do is consider "volumetrics". There's a book, and recipes, and all that jazz, but the main concept is simply to eat foods that have what they call "low calorie density". In other words, they are foods that take up a lot of space, but don't contain as many calories. For example, a fruit parfait with nonfat yogurt and fresh fruit might contain the same amount of calories (and less fat) than a couple of chocolate chip cookies, but the parfait takes up more space in your stomach, helping you feel full. Things like fresh fruits and veggies, skim milk, and water-based stuff like soups have lower calorie densities than starchy stuff like potatoes and rice, breads, meat, sugary snacks, and fats. It's a way of filling your stomach with stuff that won't load up the calories. One of the most basic rules of volumetrics is to drink a full glass (not a "glass", which is 8 oz., but an actual glass of 12 to 20 oz.) of water before every meal. Not only is water good for you, but it takes up space in your stomach, making you feel full sooner.

I need to make sure I have lots of low density, high water foods and fruits available to me to snack on. I still need to be aware of the portions I am eating; even healthy foods can be unhealthy if you overeat them.

It's been fourteen days, and I'm proud to announce that I've lost...a pound.

*sigh*

The epic weight losses of the middle of this past week evaporated into a steaming pile of fail. I finished out the week without making it back to the gym. I didn't eat particularly well. So I guess the fact there is any loss at all from last week to this week is a good thing.

In looking at information about weight loss, the basic premise is simple. One pound of weight is worth 3,500 calories. When you burn 3,500, you will lose one pound. But here's where it becomes more challenging. That 3,500 calories is BEYOND what your body needs to sustain its own weight. For example, the average person, according to the studies, needs approximately 2,000 calories daily to maintain whatever weight he or she is currently at, and that's for someone who has an average activity level (so not a hardcore gym rat and not a couch potato). In order for that average person to lose a pound of weight, he or she must either reduce the number of calories taken in each day, or increase the amount of calories burned through exercise each day. That means, if I eat about 2,000 calories per day, I need to burn, say, 500 calories a day at the gym. After five days of that, theoretically I should have a weight loss of one pound. I could also keep my activity level the same, but decrease the amount of food I eat so that I eventually earn my one pound loss.

Now, of course, there are all kinds of variables involved in this. It's hard to guarantee that you've consumed EXACTLY a certain number of calories, or that you really burned the number of calories that the treadmill claims you did. That's why the best form of weight loss is to combine a reasonable, low-calorie diet with as much exercise as possible, every day.

Which is why all I've lost, in two whole weeks, is one pound. All it takes is a bit of backsliding, either eating or not working out, to undo all the hard work of previous days.

I've gotta do better than this...

Well, I knew it was too good to be true. After two days of near-miraculous weigh-ins, karma decided to give me a rap on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. This morning's weigh-in: 198.4. A full pound up from yesterday. Of course, while my magic losses of the past two days were inexplicable, this gain is all too familiar. Both Thursday and today I did not go to the gym. The last workout I had was Wednesday morning, because Wednesday afternoon was spent sitting at home, waiting for an electrician who never came (our circuit breakers for the house are sparking occasionally, a bad sign recognizable by even the most DIY inept people out there, like me). Thursday morning was a no-show due to poor sleep and a big headache. Since this week (and next week) I'm proctoring study hall after school on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, I opted out of yesterday afternoon so I could get home and spend the evening with my husband, with the hope that maybe the electrician might come. Nope. And this morning was a record-breaker as far as chilly is concerned. The Mid-South region is not known for its winters--they are generally in the 30's and 40's with some rain and gloom but little "winter" weather. But last night got down to single digits in some areas, and my car's thermometer read 13* as I drove to work this morning (with my heated seats). Since our house is not insulated AT ALL (moron landlord) it gets quite cold, and a leg stuck out from under the covers at 4 to test the environment found it unsuitable for human life, at which point I pulled it back under the covers and went back to sleep for another hour and a half. With all that non-exercise going on, it isn't surprising that my weight didn't stay down, although I do think a whole pound is a bit harsh. Oh well. So far for the week I'm still down based on last week's debacle. Hopefully I can get back on track this afternoon and this weekend.

Another inexplicable moment. This morning's weigh-in, after yesterday's impressive 1 1/2 lb drop and a dinner of pizza:

197.4

Can anyone tell me how I dropped two pounds in two days? I'm boggled. I even had pizza for dinner. PIZZA. All I can think of is a Bloom County comic strip from years ago (I searched for it but couldn't find it online). Opus is standing next to a scale and worrying about weighing in. He says something to the effect of, "I probably weigh two pounds more. This is so depressing." Then he weighs in, and exclaims, "Two pounds lighter! Without even trying! How about that!" But then he sits next to the the scale and says, "I probably have cancer. This is so depressing." Not that I think I might have cancer or anything, but it does make me wonder how I could have lost two pounds so quickly. But then again, it's been so long since I really tried to lose weight. Maybe this IS what it's like when you are successful. Having been so unsuccessful for so long, I can't remember...

Another funny note: At the gym the other day, I was trying to get through my morning circuit of weights. I do machines, not because they're better, but because they are faster to set up and I'm on a deadline in the mornings. Anyway, I had three leg machines left to do, but they were being occupied by a group of about six or so older (50's, maybe) men. They were trading off on reps on the machines and rest periods, and rotating the group through the machines. This was a pain, because I'd already done all the other leg machines, and I really didn't want to get started on the cardio portion of my workout without finishing the rest. The men were joking with each other and chatting like they had all the time in the world. I wanted to interrupt and let them know I was waiting on the machines, but I didn't. Again, all I could think of was a Far Side cartoon. It said something about a tough gang of astrophysicists who would take over the telescope and not let anyone else use it. It just seems like such an ironic situation.

This morning had a serious "huh?" moment. Yesterday was a mixed bag, with a high weigh-in (199.8), a morning at the gym, "real" food at lunch instead of some little diet meal (often I'll eat a Healthy Choice meal of some kind, but this was actually homecooked: a chicken breast covered in cream o'shroom soup and a baked potato), no gym in the afternoon, and a sandwich and mashed potatoes for dinner. So I sort of figured this morning would be all about the Meh. Instead, My weigh-in: 198.2.

What the hell? Not that I mind, of course; any day I can randomly produce a 1 1/2 lb weight loss is great, but...how the hell did that happen?

Perhaps it was my body's reaction to The Biggest Loser last night, guiltily dumping fat. Maybe someone slipped me some ALLI (hope not; it's a good 100 feet to the nearest bathroom).

Anyway, this HAS to be some kind of freaky anomaly. I can't figure out what I could have done to drop that much weight in one day. My life isn't like The Biggest Loser; the kinds of losses they experience weekly on the show (10 lbs, 20 lbs, even 30 lbs) simply don't happy to normal people. This may be the biggest one-day drop that I've ever had, as far as I know.

Wish I could figure out what exactly I did, so I can do it again tomorrow. If I could lose that much each day...in just under a month and a half I could be done. *sigh* Pipe dreams, I know.

OK, this was too hilarious not to post. In my ever expanding quest to keep myself from expanding, I search high and low for ideas, recipes, and "quick loss" plans. One thing I've seen in the stores all over is this product called ALLI. It touts itself as the only FDA-approved OTC weight loss medication/plan. I haven't tried it, and I hadn't read up on it at all. So I finally decided to look it up and see about it for myself.

Their website looked good, but as I read over the information time and time again I noted that the way ALLI works is to prevent the absorption of up to 25% of the fat you take in daily. The premise is, if you don't absorb fat, your body will use the stuff you've already got. Seems simple enough, but for some reason this seemed to remind me of something. I thought about it for awhile, and then I remembered: a few years back, someone finally chemically created a fake fat. "Olean" or "Olestra", I can't remember off the top of my head which was which. But anyway, it sounded great: a fat that your body couldn't absorb. What a wonderful idea! But then the side effects became known.

Basically, anything your body can't absorb, it eliminates via waste. Essentially, everything you poop out is stuff that didn't get absorbed for one reason or another. Well, if this stuff couldn't be absorbed, it got pooped out. And of course, like all fats and oils, it was GREASY. So you had a lot of people experiencing some very bad potty emergencies when the greasy, oily poop decided it had to come out NOW. I think the term I heard at one point was "anal leakage". I don't care who you are; that's BAD.

So, I suspected ALLI might be the same kind of problem. I looked up "ALLI side effects" on Google and got this wonderfully funny post on a website called The West Virginia Surf Report.

Alli Side Effects In Layman's Terms
by Jeff Kay

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over.

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings.

You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day.

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens.

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce.

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

Hmmph. I should have expected this morning's weigh-in, with yesterday's epic fail of exercise and food (no gym, Outback Steakhouse for dinner). And yet, if I had expected anything, I should have thought it would have been sooooo much worse.

I weighed in at 199.8. Yes, it was a 1/2 lb increase from yesterday, but after no workout at all on Monday AND a 9 oz sirloin with garlic mashed potatoes, a salad with ranch dressing, and Outback's totally awesome brown bread, it SHOULD have been more like 200.8. So I am actually pretty surprised. But I really do need to be better, both about the eating and the working out.

I can't figure out how people have families and still find time to get to the gym. I look at my own day, and I'm impressed that I make it to the gym when I do. For example, my schedule today:

4:00 a.m. out of bed, get dressed, walk dog, get everything together for the day
4:35 a.m. leave to go to gym
5:00 a.m. workout
6:00 a.m. shower, get dressed
6:30 a.m. drive to work
7:05 a.m. arrive at work (school doesn't start until 8:00, but I get everything ready for the day)
8:00 a.m. school begins
3:15 p.m. school ends
3:20 p.m. study hall (I proctor this three days a week, for two weeks on and then two weeks off)
5:00 p.m. leave school to drive to gym
5:45 p.m. workout
6:30 p.m. drive home
7:00 p.m. dinner, quality time with the hubby, computer, and TV
9:00 p.m. go to bed, get up in seven hours and do it all over again.

Well, "they" say you aren't supposed to eat within three hours of bedtime. So, when in the heck would I eat dinner? I'd have to eat on the go between work and the gym in the evening, which would probably be fast food or something similarly "not a balanced meal". And what if I actually had kids? When would I spend time with them?

I just get frustrated because I don't see how someone can do EVERYTHING that it is recommended one do to stay healthy. How can you eat all the servings you are supposed to eat, without eating 5,000 calories? How do you fit in the number and length of workouts you need to lose weight, when you also have to work and interact with people? I'm beginning to think the only people who can realistically achieve all these things are people who have tons of money, no job, and just work out all day long, and have their meals professionally prepared for them, and ship their kids off with a nanny so they don't have to be bothered with them.

it seems like accomplishing all this is unrealistic. So how do I set realistic goals that will still make me happy?

Hmm. Today's weigh-in was 199.4. That's up .2 from my nice happy low of yesterday. Bummer, but since we got Domino's oven-baked sandwiches, cheesy bread, and chicken kickers, I guess I should be happy it wasn't more of a gain.

I didn't respond well to the beginning of my week. Instead of hitting the gym this morning, I hit the snooze button (so to speak; I don't really use the snooze. I have an alarm with two settings, so I just set the second alarm). Then, we went out to eat for dinner. I'm sure tomorrow's weigh-in will be less than stellar. Oh well. Guess I have my work cut out for me the rest of this week.

Well, I actually made a full week! I've worked out every day for seven days, at least once per day. AND I weighed in this morning at 199.2, which is the lowest weight I've had since, well, since I started weighing myself again last weekend. Yay me! Of course, I have a day full of football and food I still have to get through.

Also, I'm a grandma! Well, not exactly. A friend of ours, a kid we had coached back when we were all quite a bit younger, just had a baby on Wednesday. We kind of looked out for her when she was still in high school, and she has always jokingly (semi) referred to us as her parents. So now that she's a mommy, that makes me a grandma! At age 34. Without ever having had kids. What a weird world.

Weigh-in: 199.6

Not my low of a few days ago, but not the 200 of even yesterday. Very interesting. Of course, weekends are when I find it hardest to behave, food-wise, because I'm home all day with exposure to snacks AND we tend to do silly things like eat out or order pizza on weekends. So, I guess we'll see tomorrow's weigh-in. Cross your fingers...

Stupid $%&#^&* SciFi channel keeps canceling my shows. Just watched the final episode of Stargate:Atlantis. Not incredibly impressed. Best moment by far was the revelation that the newest member of the Daedalus class ship will be named "the General Hammond" after the late Don S. Davis' recurring character. Got a little choked up at that one. But otherwise the episode was full of "eh" moments. For a final episode it was simply...unremarkable. Apparently they are creating a third piece to the "Stargate" phenomenon, called Stargate: Universe. Perhaps instead of creating new shows that relate to the Stargate story out of pieces that try to be fresh and new but very obviously are patterned on previous characters and situations, and they could just go back to what worked: Jack, Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c. Please?

This week just isn't going according to the original plan. I was supposed to be working out, eating better, and losing weight. Instead, I seem to be stuck in the same place that I've been for at least a year now. It's like being in an episode of Star Trek or something.

Yesterday I had that weird double weigh-in with two different weights two hours apart, and I spent the rest of the day wondering which one was the REAL weigh-in. Well, apparently the first one was closer to the "truth", because I weighed in this morning at 200.0 AGAIN (see several previous posts this week). WTF?

Actually, I shouldn't be asking WTF because I know for the most part what happened. As I explained yesterday I didn't work out yesterday morning because I was so tired. So that certainly threw my metabolism for the day back to its slow pace. Although I did manage to hit the gym yesterday afternoon to swim, that wasn't enough to do anything other than perhaps maintain whatever my morning weight had been. But then we decided to go out to dinner last night, where I had a cup of certainly high-calorie soup (overloaded potato--all that starch! and fat! and carbs!), a big breaded chicken sandwich with ranch dressing poured over it, AND a side of smashed potatoes (more starch! and fat! and carbs!).

So I guess the fact that I'm still sitting at $#%&^@* 200 lbs should be considered a blessing. It could have been worse.

Well, there are ups and downs in this little endeavor, of course. Both, this morning. I woke up at 4, as I have done each day this week, to walk the dog, get my stuff together, and get to the gym by 5. To my dismay, I found two things: 1) I was REALLY tired and 2) my weigh-in was 200.2, up .2 lbs from yesterday. I surmised that the +.2 was probably the result of some Mexican food overindulgence last night, and that the tiredness was a direct result of staying up to watch several episodes of Ghosthunters. While the +.2 SHOULD HAVE motivated me to go hit the gym extra hard, instead I succumbed to the tiredness and went back to bed.

But here's the funny part: when I got up the second time, at 6, I weighed myself again. This time, I weighed in at 199.4. Somehow, in my sleep, in two hours, I managed to lose almost a pound! Man, if this were a perfect world I could SLEEP off my weight! Just imagine! Sleep for 12 hours, lose almost 5 lbs! I'd be going to bed as soon as I got home!

Anyway, I'm a bit disappointed in myself for not making it to the gym this morning, but I'm hoping to at least make it this afternoon and both trips tomorrow. Maybe I really will manage to lose actual weight this week. And get some sleep, while I'm at it.