River Driver

2012-01-02T09:10:00.002-06:00

So, Happy New Year! Here we are, 2012. Less than a year from when the world is supposed to end, if you listen to those darned Mayans, anyway. I suspect they either ran out of room on the calendar or got tired of chiseling and said, "Hey, surely someone will add on to this later."

Anyway, just an update on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

First of all, weight: 217.4 as of this morning. This is a little surprising to be because, second of all, I'm three months pregnant. Yep, having kidlet #2 in mid June. So the weight thing is surprising, because the 20 lbs I've lost have been since I found out I was pregnant. Just haven't felt like eating much. Haven't necessarily been morning sick, just not hungry and nothing sounds good. I wasn't surprised to see weight loss in the first weeks, but now that I'm into my 16th week of pregnancy, I really would have thought that the weight loss would have stopped. Don't know if it's a problem. Anyway, I have my first appointment with my OB in two weeks, so I'll discuss it with her if things haven't changed by then. I really hope everything is going OK. This pregnancy seems much more of an "afterthought" than the last one did, and I just haven't paid as much attention to it. We'll just have to wait and see.

Work is plodding along. I really haven't bonded with the kids this year, not like I have in previous years at St. Agnes. There are a few I'm fond of, but there are a lot more that I am ambivalent towards, and more than a few that I would be happy to never see in my classroom again. I've never experienced such a dislike for any of my students before. It makes me very disappointed in myself, because I'm sure it has to do with me and whatever impractical expectations I may have had for these students at the beginning of the year. In any case, we've got two weeks left of the semester, and then I won't have most of them second semester. Sadly, a few of the ones I most wish I wouldn't have again I will have, and the ones I like best (my sophomores) I won't have at all because I'm teaching juniors second semester. It should be fun, science fiction literature, but at the same time I'll miss the sophomores. They have been a bright spot in my day on most days.

Brendan is a wild and crazy 14-month-old. He had a great time at Christmas. This Christmas wasn't his first, of course, but it was the first one he could participate in since he was so little last time. He helped open some presents and played with all of his toys (and some of his cousins'). He loved all the attention he got from the whole family. We didn't decorate much this year because it is so hard to keep Brendan out of things--he's very curious and extremely determined. Next year will be better; he'll be old enough to understand that he needs to not touch things, and the baby will be little enough that he or she won't be getting into anything yet.

Anyway, that's the state of things currently. We're just preparing ourselves for the new little bundle o' joy in June, by going through all of Brendan's things to see what we can reuse and what will need to be replaced and by planning the completion of our basement. Half of it is finished, a family room type space, but the two other rooms and the bathroom are unfinished. Both of our kids will be housed upstairs with us, so any guests who visit will need a place to sleep. One room down there will be a guest bedroom, while the other will be an office with the potential to be used as a guest room. We have two queen beds to deal with, one in one room and I guess the other will go in the office unless we figure out something else to do with it. We'll move our office furniture and computer in there, and we'd like to build some kind of storage unit along one wall. Then we can use the space freed up in the family room to put Brendan's toys and turn it into a play area. But we really can't use the spaces for any of that until we get the bathroom down there finished. Otherwise it's a long walk to the bathroom upstairs.

So cross your fingers that things continue to go well and that we can get our basement finished off. It will make things so much easier!

2011-11-10T18:12:00.001-06:00

I'm going to be stereotyping here, so just a warning. Don't want to get anyone's knickers in a twist.

Preface: Some of my favorite people are interested in the Japanese culture and language. Several have lived in Japan for a period of time. Several of them teach, either English to Japanese people or Japanese to American people. I do dearly love and respect these people that I know. Just wanted to get that out there.

That said, Americans who are deeply interested in Japanese culture tend to be...weird. Case in point: I have "adopted" the Japan Club at the high school where I teach, since the teacher I replaced is living in Japan for the year himself. They needed a sponsor, and I was the logical choice. I don't have to do anything for the club; they are basically using my room as their meeting ground twice each week, and if they need a teacher to sign for something, I'll do it. But two seniors are responsible for the running of the meetings and the preparation and delivery of all the material. And they are...weird. They come to my room wearing pink and black and ruffles and army boots and giant fuzzy hats on their heads, hats which resemble my old Cookie Monster stuffed animal (which is 35 years old and not in the best condition anymore, as their hats also seem to be). Their meetings, while informative, are also punctuated with discussion about anime, and how to cuss in Japanese, and anime, and their favorite comedy routines, and anime, and (today) whether they themselves, and their favorite anime characters, would survive a zombie apocalypse.

Really?

How much anime is there? And why does it all end up looking the same?

The rest of the club is as eccentric as their fearless leaders. They're all very nice; they're just...weird.

I don't know why I felt like mentioning this. Just did. Weird.

2011-11-02T20:49:00.001-06:00

Winter is arriving. We had our first official snow flurries yesterday, although nothing stuck to the ground. And today was pretty chilly, maybe only up to about 40, with a lot of wind. It's funny, but I'm sort of looking forward to winter. Winters here aren't bad. Billings is in what the locals call the "Banana Belt", meaning our weather is surprisingly temperate for as far north as we are, and at 3000+ ft altitude to boot. Most of our winter days will be between 30-45 degrees. Oh, sure, we'll have enough 20 degree days to make it wintry, and we'll have a week or two of -0. But really it's not bad. Also, we don't have a lot of snow that hangs around. It'll snow, then melt, then snow, then melt, and over and over. In sheltered, shady areas, the snow might not ever melt off, but in most places it will. So it really shouldn't be too bad.

And of course we can go skiing and snowboarding. Gotta be careful that I don't hurt myself, of course. I really need new ski boots. After the pregnancy last year, my feet grew, and my boots no longer fit. Good excuse to buy new stuff, anyway!

2011-10-02T13:31:00.002-06:00

Apparently I'm going to have to do something about my blog: recent changes to Blogger have affected the template I've been using. The picture I had as a background to the title of my blog has somehow disappeared. And sadly, I probably don't have the picture available anymore, so I guess I will have to find something else. Oh well.

I'm also needing to do something about myself. We're now into a new month, October, with all the assorted milestone imminently approaching. I will be 37 years old in a few weeks, and my son will turn 1 a few days later. And I am not appreciably lighter nor in any better shape than I was at this point last year, although I was pregnant at the time and am not now. I've basically wasted the whole year "recovering" from pregnancy, with nothing to show for it.

I need to start working out. I'm going to start small; this week I am going to walk or ride my bike to work (except Friday--I have an eye doctor's appointment after school). I'll try walking on Monday. The weather should still be nice (although probably cool in the morning), and I don't have any after-school obligations. Tuesday and Thursday I'll definitely ride my bike; I'm helping sponsor the newspaper, and we meet after school so I'll need to be able to get home more quickly. We'll see about Wednesday; if Monday goes well, maybe I'll walk again.

Let's see if I can get it started.

2011-09-21T08:53:00.002-06:00

I continue to fail. We're four full weeks into the school year, and the best weigh-in I've had yet is 232. I have not ridden my bike or walked to school once, despite living less than a mile away. I don't feel like I'm eating that much (I generally have a Healthy Choice meal of 350 calories or less for lunch, and maybe an apple and a handful of nuts or a granola bar as a snack at work; I only have instant cappuccino for breakfast, and I have nothing too impressive or unusual for dinner). I guess I'm still taking in more calories than I should, but it doesn't seem like it. Guess I need to scale back.

And I am going to force myself, starting on Monday, to walk or ride my bike at least a few days a week. Some days I may have something after school (I work with the newspaper kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays), or I may have to run to the store or the ATM, and that tends to be why I have been driving. I need to get stuff like that done on weekends so I have my afternoons open.

Here goes nothing...well, I guess nothing is what I've already been doing, so hopefully here goes something...

2011-09-13T08:54:00.002-06:00

I must admit to being somewhat disillusioned with my job right now. While I am really glad to be back in the classroom full time, I can't help but long for the "good old days" at my old school. I was pretty spoiled and sheltered by the all-female, generally upper-middle-class students and their higher achievement abilities. I just don't know that I'm cut out for public school. The kids are much less inclined to put much effort into anything; they'd rather do the minimum available. While my previous students clamored for extra credit assignments, these kids are hardly interested in completing the assignments they are required to do. I've got several students who occasionally miss class to meet with probation officers, I've got one who is a runaway and hasn't been to school since the fourth day of the school year, and I've got one who is in some program that entails his missing my class (I'm guessing it is drug or behavior-related, but I don't know for sure). I would have expected the counseling center to have given the teachers some kind of update or information on these students, so we are aware of any issues that might affect our classes, but we receive nothing. I'm just used to the higher level of communication I seemed to receive from the administration and counselors at my old school. While these kids are nice, I just don't feel like I'm forming the kind of bonds with them that I did with my former students.

I don't know; maybe I'm just being silly. Maybe this is what school is supposed to be like, and my old school was an anomaly. But it was an anomaly that made me comfortable. Maybe that comfort will come with time.

Or maybe I need a day off.

2011-08-31T08:56:00.002-06:00

Quick post (since I'm at work)

Today's weigh-in: 234.0

That means I've lost three pounds since...was it Sunday? Or Monday? Don't remember. I could look, but I'm too lazy.

It's all because I can't snack as often at work. I don't have much food with me, basically one snack (nuts, an apple, a granola bar) and my lunch (an under-300-calorie Healthy Choice dry pasta/rice dealio) and that's it.

Still no exercise yet. Just haven't had a chance to get into the routine. I'm working my way towards getting up before 5--right now my alarm goes off at 5:10. But even getting up that early (I was getting up at 5:30) isn't getting me much of a headstart on my daily routine. I'm afraid it's going to end up being 4:30 in order to get a work out in. Urgh.

2011-08-24T17:02:00.003-06:00

First day of school: a success.
Weight loss before school started: dismal failure.

Today's weigh-in: 237.0

Starting next week, I will try to work out at least three days a week, before school. I also intend to ride my bike or walk to work most days. Hopefully that will help. Also, once we get into the swing of things, I won't be able to snack much during the school day. Maybe that will improve things as well.

Fingers crossed.

2011-08-13T21:27:00.002-06:00

Not much new to report. Still fat. Haven't been good at all about working out or eating better.

I'm looking forward to going back to work in a week. I can control my food intake much better when I'm not free to snack all day long. I really need to limit myself, though. To streamline things in the morning, I'm planning to just have a Carnation Instant Breakfast before I leave for work. Then I'll probably make myself a coffee at work (that instant cappuccino stuff that I'm sure is really horrible nutritionally, but it tastes super yummy), since the teacher I'm replacing is leaving his microwave. I'll probably take a morning and afternoon snack at first, but depending on what my class schedule is I might only have time for one or the other and not both. I'll probably just take a piece of fruit, granola bar, bag of nuts, and/or cheese stick. Then for lunch I'll either have soup or one of those Healthy Choice microwave meals. Something that I can prepare in my room and eat quickly, since I'll be working through lunch most likely. I think I'll try to assemble some casseroles and stuff ahead of time for dinners, or crock pot stuff (which will be great as it starts to get cold) so I have some time to hang out with the boy in the afternoons before my husband comes home.

Then there's my plan for exercise. My plan is to wake up early (5, probably), do our elliptical machine or a video for half an hour, then shower and get dressed. I'm going to have to get the boy up at about 6, get a bottle in him, get some cereal in him, and then get him to the sitter at 7. I need to check on my "travel time" to school. According to Google Maps, I should be able to ride my bike there in 3 minutes, or walk there in 14 minutes. I will test this next week. I'll have to drop off the boy, get back over to the house, get my bag and bike (or just get my bag) and head off. It's all downhill. If I cut over a street at a time, rather than just take my street straight down to the street the high school is on, that is; it'll take me longer to get home than it will to get there, but I should have no problem getting there in a reasonable amount of time. Walking would be better exercise, because if I ride my bike I won't have to put much effort into it on the way there, but I guess since I need to look sort of professional and put-together for work, maybe that's the way to go. It'll get me a bit windblown, but that's about the biggest downside. Of course, I'll have to lock my bike up. I don't know if I'm allowed to bring my bike inside; probably not. I'm ordering a bike cover from Amazon, and I have a lock. But it makes me nervous, riding my nice, $1800 mountain bike to school. Guess I might end up riding my crappy $300 mountain bike instead. Works fine. That way I won't feel as bad if someone tries to steal it. When the weather is less-than-perfect for biking, I can walk (like if there's a lot of ice on the road). And of course if it's really cold I can always drive the less-than-a-mile to work like a loser. :) But any of those should work since I have to be at school from 7:30-3:30, and the boy's day at the sitter runs from 7-4. Plenty of time.

So hopefully this will get my weight loss jump-started. Because nothing else has...

2011-07-28T09:14:00.003-06:00

Having to dress up for anything, even this funeral I have to go to (student here in MT), is just a reminder of how $%^&@#$ fat I have gotten. I have NOTHING that fits. The clothes I do have are too tight, or too short, because of all my lumps and rolls.

Here's the thing: I've been fat before. But I always had a lot of muscle, even under the fat, so, while I was overweight, I actually wasn't as fat as I could have been. But now, about 10 lbs heavier than my heaviest pre-baby weight, I am MULTIPLE sizes bigger than I ever had been before. That's because I did not work out during my pregnancy, other than walking, and I have barely worked out after the pregnancy. So I'm only carrying 10 lbs more than I ever did before I got pregnant, but because it's a lot less muscle weight, it is fat, a lot of it, that's taking up a lot of space.

I am trying to get rid of this weight, but I'm finding it so hard. As I've said before, when I have the baby with me I have a hard time working out because I'm spending all my time with the baby, playing with him and feeding him and keeping him happy. And when I don't have the baby, I'm so overjoyed to have some time to myself that I just sit on the couch and relish the calm. I need to start taking the baby to the gym and putting him in childcare there while I work out. It just makes me feel guilty to have time to spend with him and instead put him in childcare.

I also have a hard time not overeating. I've always eaten a lot, since I was a kid. But with the lack of working out, and the lack (now) of breastfeeding, and the fact that I'm old and my metabolism seems to have shut down, even the 2000 calorie limit that is generally recommended for the average person would probably make me gain weight.

I need to seriously cut down on my eating, and seriously ramp up the working out.

2011-07-24T11:09:00.003-06:00

I haven't done a weigh-in in a while. I keep forgetting, until after I'm dressed and have had breakfast. No point in weighing in then. So I'll really try to remember for tomorrow.

I've got 4 weeks until school starts. Still time to lose 10 lbs. That's what I'm going to try to do. And I still have my goal of losing as much weight as possible before my brother's wedding in May. But I really have to get on the ball.

It's frustrating that I haven't done better about working out. We've had a gym membership since...March? April? Somewhere around there. And I've gone maybe five times? And my husband hasn't gone at all. Not good.

It's also frustrating that everyone else seems to have so much more willpower than I do. Some of our friends back in Memphis have been working hard at getting in shape. They've started to do running races (which I don't really care about) and biking a lot. Even some of my recently-become-mother friends have already lost weight. I've only lost about 10 lbs from my heaviest pregnancy weight. Also not good.

So I need to get on it.

2011-07-12T10:26:00.003-06:00

235.2

Man, I suck at this. I simply cannot motivate myself to work out. When the boy is at the sitter, I celebrate my "freedom" by relaxing at home and doing all the things I don't normally get to do, like waste the day on the computer. And when he's home with me, I spend the whole day entertaining him, and I don't have time to get in a workout. What I need to do is go to the gym, regardless of the day. When I have the boy, I can take him along and leave him in the childcare room. And when I don't have him, it isn't a problem. But I can't get my fat butt off the couch. Sadly, it was easier when we lived in the South--I got bored at home during the summer and so I could usually get myself to the gym, at least a few times each week, and during the school year I had to go past the gym anyway, so why not stop? At this rate, I'm doomed. *sigh*

2011-06-27T11:51:00.002-06:00

Weigh-in: 233.6
Goal weight: 175 (or less)
Deadline: 19 May 2012

OK. Here's the deal. I am fat. I am in the worst shape I have ever been in. I cannot fit in my kayaks. This can't continue. So I have set my goal. I would like to lose approximately 60 lbs in the next ten or so months, to be below 175 lbs for my brother's wedding. That means losing about 1.5 lbs each week. I should be able to do that. Of course, I should have been able to do that before now.

It's pretty basic stuff: eat less, exercise more. The question is, can I do it? I've failed so many times before...

2011-05-13T20:38:00.002-06:00

Today I realized that I have turned into both a fuddy-duddy and a hypocrite. I've been really disgusted lately with some of the music being played on the local radio stations. Songs like "Porn Star Dancing" by My Darkest Days:

Kelly won't kiss my friend, Cassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend, Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all?

Amanda won't leave me empty handed
Got her number from a bathroom stall
Brandy just got way too much baggage
And that shit just gets old

But I got a girl who can put on a show
The dollar decides how far you can go

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's pornstar dancin'

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage for this
Pornstar dancin'

Your body's lightin' up the room
I want a naughty girl like you
There's nothing hotter than a..

[Chad Kroeger:]
Stacy's gonna save herself for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

But I know a place where there's always a show
The dollar decides how far you can go

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's pornstar dancin'

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage for this
Pornstar dancin'

Your body's lightin' up the room
I want a naughty girl like you
Let's throw a party just for two
You know those normal girls won't do

[Ludacris]
They won't do
I need a girl thats kinda frisky
Drinking with the fellas
Takin shots and gettin tipsy
We always wanna party cause she sexy as hell
And if i ever get in trouble bailin me outta jail
Cause she a stone cold stunna hotta than the summer
When she step up into the club every man and woman want her
she make me wanna get a stripper pole up in my home
cause of the porn start dancin got me in the zone!

[guitar solo]

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's pornstar dancin'

She don't play nice, she makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin right by the stage for this
Pornstar dancin'

Really nice for the family to hear while driving down the road, right? And then there's "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry:

Break me down, you got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting f*ckin' laid
You want me to stay, but I got to make my way

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Take it off, the paper is your game
You jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get you face to face

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Get the video
F*ck you so good
Get the video
F*ck you so good

Crazy bitch
Crazy bitch
Crazy...bitch

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back, come on

Baby girl
You want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way you f*ck me

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You keep me right on

You're crazy
But I like the way you f*ck me

Wow. Even with the radio edit, that's just beyond inappropriate for daytime radio, and pretty much for any radio at all. Pretty misogynistic, to say the least. But even the female singers are guilty, like the lead singer/songwriter for Halestorm:

You don't know that I know,
You watch me every night
And I just can't resist the urge
To stand here in the light
Your greedy eyes upon me
And then I come undone
And I could close the curtains
But this is too much fun

[Chorus]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's all give and take
Kinda life we make
When your line is crossed
I get off
I get off

So much left unspoken
Between the two of us
It's so much more exciting
To look when you can't touch
You could say I am different
And maybe I'm a freak
But I know how to twist ya
To bring you to your knees

[Chorus]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's all give and take
Kinda life we make
When your line is crossed
I get off
I get off

But you don't know
What you can't see
Is what I do for you
I do for me

[Bridge]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
Yeaaaaaaah...

[Chorus]

I get off on you
Getting off on me
I give you what you want
But nothing is for free
It's all give and take
Kinda life we make
When your line is crossed
I get off
I get off

Yeaah .... I get off
Yeaah .... I get off
I get off!!

Great. Way to encourage the stalkers and voyeurs. There's another one I remember hearing on the same radio station that was something about drinking all day and partying all night, but I don't remember enough of the lyrics to figure out what song it is. Plus, I don't really care.

But it's really been bothering me to hear these songs on a radio station that I'm sure lots of teens and even pre-teens listen to. Certainly not good, wholesome fun.

That would be the "fuddy-duddy" talking. And the hypocrite. I mean, this is ME talking! Once upon a time I was a hard-drinking, hard-rocking, tattooed menace to good judgment. (Still have the tattoos.) I spent a good part of my undergraduate years being a poster child for what not to do. It amazes me to think of how much alcohol I actually consumed in college. Probably why I don't drink much any more now; what's left to drink?

Just today I was pleased because the radio station my husband listens to on his alarm clock (the same station guilty of playing that horrible tripe I mentioned earlier) played some of my favorite songs: "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC (a tribute to the unholy lord of the underworld), "Cowboys from Hell" by Pantera (a band known for their profanity, violence, and general mayhem), and even "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam (about a kid who snaps and shoots himself in front of his classmates). I love party songs. I've seen Poison in concert ("Unskinny Bop" and "Talk Dirty to Me" certainly aren't family friendly songs). I regularly sing along with "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails (famous for the line "I want to f*ck you like an animal"). I have shelves and shelves of books, movies, and CDs that I will have to move so my son doesn't have access to them.

I don't really have any point to this, other than just being surprised at myself for my double standard. I'm not really sure why those songs bother me so much. I guess it's just that my music is so much better. :)

2011-05-01T11:28:00.003-06:00

May 1--227.8. Ouch. Today (well, really tomorrow, I guess) begins 30 days of trying to get this back under control. Eating better, trying to get some exercise, hoping that I can get some of this weight off. Keep your fingers crossed...

2011-03-24T17:50:00.003-06:00

Well, I've got some lights at the end of my tunnel. It's been a dark, cold, and pretty exhausting winter. But now that spring has arrived and the weather is improving (slowly), it's time to take stock of a few things.

1. Work.
Yes! I have a job, a temporary one, at least. I got hired to take the place of an English teacher at the nearby high school who is going on maternity leave. The job is supposed to start on April 11, although it could start earlier depending on if she delivers early. It's four classes of freshman English and one of junior composition, and it's a paperless classroom. The students use Google Docs to submit and revise assignments. It's not exactly what I did back in Memphis, but it's pretty close. I'm really excited about it. I am a little disappointed in one aspect, because it sounds like the high school ISN'T expecting to have any teachers leave at the end of this year. Originally, there were supposed to be at least four teachers retiring at the end of the year, because their contracts were supposed to be up at the end of this school year. But the teachers' union ended up rolling over their contract negotiations until next year, so the teachers who were retiring are apparently waiting until the end of the next school year instead of this one. I had hoped I would get one of their positions for this fall. So my status for this fall is still up in the air, but this temporary position will be a nice test run to see if I'm still up to the classroom, and if I can stand to be away from the boy all day.

2. Friends
Well, we still haven't become social butterflies or anything, but I did get invited to a Pampered Chef show at a neighbor's house a few weeks ago, so I had the opportunity to meet a few people. And getting into a school for a little while will give me the chance to get to know some of the teachers too. Plus, we're going on vacation next week to go see my husband's grandparents, his sister and her family, and some of our friends where we used to live. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone and showing off the boy.

3. Weight loss
Yeah, not so much. I'm at my heaviest (nonpregnancy) weight ever. Not good. I do hope that I can change that. We joined the local Y a few weeks ago, and I've managed to go a few times. Hopefully since our neighbor will be watching Brendan, I can zip over there after school to work out. Also, I'm hoping with the warmer weather we'll get out to walk, run, and ride with the boy a bit more. And at school I won't be able to snack all day long.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better about things. Hope that'll continue...

2011-01-26T17:50:00.002-06:00

I've had an interesting insight into my character. I innocently posted a status on Facebook about writing a book. The status was meant to be funny ("I'm writing a book. So far I have all the page numbers done."), but instead I got a response from a Facebook friend, asking if I truly was writing a book, because he was as well. I had to admit that I was not, and mentioned that I had always wanted to write, but did not have the creativity to come up with anything interesting or original (case in point: the status that started all this actually came from a website listing one-liner jokes, not from my own brain; oh, the irony). He asked if I would be willing to critique his work, and said that he felt the most difficult thing about writing was the soul-baring that occurred, the fact that he had to reveal things about himself as he went. I somewhat jokingly said that perhaps that was why I was never successful as a writer. He then stunned me by replying, "Yes, I've noticed that about you." Just from statuses and comments I've made on Facebook, he has deduced that I am insecure and self-deprecating. And he's certainly not wrong. But it's pretty rattling to be told this by someone whom you've never met. Makes me wonder if I need to reevaluate my FB style. Not sure if I want to delve deeper than that.

2011-01-17T16:24:00.002-06:00

I've definitely got a problem. How am I supposed to workout long enough to burn some calories if the baby demands my attention every few minutes? And how am I supposed to get in a good, effective workout at home? I sure wish the weather was warmer. If it were, I'd get a good jogging stroller and go spend some time outside walking around the neighborhood. I guess until the weather gets to that point (which will be, oh, May maybe) I'm stuck in the house, trying to figure this out. Meh.

2010-12-31T18:06:00.002-06:00

Some more resolutions for 2011:

5. Get a job. I haven't had a full time teaching job since we moved. I'm tired of subbing, tired of tutoring. I miss having a classroom of my own, students of my own, lessons to plan, papers to grade. Plus, we really need the money that only a full time job can give us. Heck, even a part time one!

6. Work harder at the subbing and tutoring until I GET that job. I need to check into daycare so I can find out if subbing will even be a viable option. I mean, subbing only makes about $75 a day. Is it really worth it if daycare costs $50 a day? Would it be better to just try to float as a tutor during Brendan's naps as much as possible? It would be less stress for him, certainly. But there's no guarantee of hours unless I schedule for them, and I can't count on Brendan to be reliable as far as the times of day he's willing to sleep. Some days I might get plenty of sessions, and some days I might not get any at all. And what if Brendan starts screaming during a session? I'm not supposed to bail out of a session, but how can I let Brendan scream for an unknown length of time while I finish the session? This will really be a challenge.

7. Keep in better touch with my family. I need to make sure I speak with my dad and brother every week. I put too much stock in their efforts, and not enough into my own.

Well, I'm sure there are plenty more resolutions I can make. I may update the list if I think of more.

Regardless, I hope 2011 is full of nothing but good things for you and yours. Happy New Year!

2010-12-30T22:13:00.002-06:00

New Year's Resolutions, Part One:

1. Get more organized. I received a couple of organizers for Christmas (I'd have thought it was a hint, but I asked for them), so I need to use them. Keep track of bills, baby stuff, medical stuff, coupons...you know, that sort of thing. I need to get some more inserts for my DayRunner, as well, and then use them.

2. Eat better and exercise more. I'm about ten pounds away from my weight when I found out I was pregnant, and then about, oh, sixty pounds away from the weight that someone my height and build SHOULD be. Oh, this will be a joy. I'm making no predictions about how much weight I will lose in a particular amount of time, because it's going to be really, really hard to guarantee exercise time with the baby. I haven't done anything physical since last July. No, seriously. Labor doesn't count.

3. Read more. Thanks to my husband and the wonders of technology, I have nearly 500 books on my Kindle to read. I have always loved reading, and I read really fast. However, I haven't read more than a chapter or two a day recently, because of the baby. Instead of parking in front of the TV or the computer while I feed Brendan, I should have my Kindle with me. Again, I can't guarantee a timeframe to plow through all my e-books (plus a couple in paper form), but I need to pick it up for sure.

4. Make more effort to keep the house in order. I've test-driven the baby in his front-carrier, so I should be able to walk around the house with him without having to have a hand on him at all times. It'll make loading the dishwasher and doing the laundry a lot easier. I know he won't want to be in there all the time, but even brief periods will help.

I'll add more resolutions tomorrow. Gotta start getting ready for bed!

2010-12-25T17:01:00.002-06:00

Is it weird that I'm so bothered by the fact that my church, as well as many others, don't have a church service on Christmas Day?

My church growing up did. It was certainly not as well-attended as Christmas Eve services were, but they did have one, and the "regulars" (as I would call them) always attended. I pretty much always went. My dad (and I) sometimes had to sing with the choir, but even when we didn't at least my mom and I went, and usually my brother too, and my dad most of the time. So it seems normal in my mind to have church on Christmas Day. After all, that IS the holiday. I always thought of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as two different holidays, one about the promise, and one about the fulfillment.

Now, I know the reasons most churches don't have a Christmas Day service. First of all, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are pretty much the same holiday, and so people go on Christmas Eve just like many people go to church on Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning--it fulfills the same purpose. Christmas Day services aren't very well attended because people have all their other activities that day--presents, parties, dinners, etc.--and they schedule their time around the church services the night before. And pretty much everyone opens presents on Christmas morning, and who would be cruel enough to make little kids wait to open their presents until after church? Lastly, it gives the pastors and other church officials a chance to spend the holiday with their families after what is usually a pretty time-consuming and maximum-effort to produce the Christmas Eve services, since most churches have more than one.

But it just seems to me that part of the family holiday on Christmas Day should be spend at church. I mean, Jesus IS the reason for the season, and all that. If we spend Christmas Eve in anticipation of His arrival, shouldn't we be back in church on Christmas morning to celebrate the arrival?

2010-12-23T15:21:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling oddly lonely as the holiday draws nigh.

For the first time since, well, since we started dating, my husband and I are celebrating Christmas in our own home instead of traveling to one of our family members' houses. We've always alternated between going to San Diego to my parents' house or to Wyoming to his parents' house. Traveling wasn't really ever a problem because we didn't have kids. We either packed the dog into the car with us or found someone to watch him for the week or so that we'd be gone.

It was kind of fun, because it gave both of us the chance to experience each other's childhood Christmas traditions and compare our experiences. "My" Santa wrapped presents; "his" Santa didn't. "My" Santa put all the stocking stuffers into the stockings; if it didn't fit, it got given as a regular present. "His" Santa arranged the stocking stuffers that didn't fit into a display around the stockings (this is where the Santa gifts were also placed, rather than under the tree). Our moms made some of the same dishes for Christmas dinner, and some very different dishes as well. My family usually attended multiple Christmas eve church services (thanks to my dad and I singing in the choir) and a Christmas morning service; my husband's family went to their church's only service on Christmas eve and that was it. It was a great insight into each other's upbringing and childhood.

Since my mom passed away a few years ago, my own family stopped doing the family Christmas in San Diego. My brother had his own Christmas with his girlfriend and her family, and my dad came out to visit my inlaws a couple of years and then stayed in his new home in Nevada (and spent Christmas day with his cousins who live an hour away). And we simply went to Wyoming each year.

But now we have our own little family unit. This year, my inlaws went to St. Louis to my sister-in-law's house. We could have gone as well, but the two travel options--20+hours in a car or two airplane flights--did not seem particularly pleasant with a 2-month-old baby. Heck, the five hours to my inlaws' house in Wyoming seems a lot longer with the baby in the car. My dad is staying in Nevada again. My brother is currently in Afghanistan, having his own weird holiday. So we decided that this would be our opportunity to start our own family Christmas traditions, combining traditions from both of our upbringings. Also, it would be a nice, quiet, no-stress event, not worrying about going out anywhere, playing any games, going sledding or skiing, having company over, or anything like that.

But now that everyone is elsewhere, I'm feeling a little let-down. Some of the build-up and excitement that comes with the holiday seems to be lacking. We didn't decorate as much as usual, we haven't baked any Christmas cookies yet, and we didn't put a lot of effort into our presents (money being tight, and the spudster being a little too young to really participate in the holiday). So this Christmas just seems a little, I don't know, less Christmasy than other years. I'm sure next year will be different; Brendan will be old enough to help open presents and put an ornament or two on the tree. But for this year, I'm just not feeling the spirit.

I need to remember that the holiday has nothing to do with my family traditions and everything to do with the Son of God. That's what I need to focus on...

2010-11-03T15:59:00.002-06:00

I am strangely disappointed by our lack of winter weather so far. Which is funny, because it isn't winter yet. But last year, we had four snowfalls (none of which stayed on the ground for more than a day at most) during the month of October. This year, while we had a few days that were kind of chilly and windy, and an occasional rain shower, we had NO snow at all. We're three days into November, with no snow in the forecast until at least the 12th (and of course that could change any time). We did get a little more of a "fall" than we did last year; the leaves actually changed colors instead of just drying up and falling off the trees. But I feel somehow unfulfilled by the weather, which has just been middle of the road (50s and 60s) with some sun and wind. I either want a ridiculous Indian summer with temps in the 70s, or snow with temps in the 30s and 40s.

And the funniest thing of all is, it isn't like I'm even going outside these days. My husband is walking the dog in the mornings while I start feeding the baby, I can't really take the dog for a walk during the day because I'm home alone so I just put the dog on a lead out in the back yard, and I MIGHT get to walk the dog at night before bed IF I'm not in the middle of another feeding. It's pretty ridiculous of me to be this disappointed by the weather. But I am. Maybe it's the hormones.

2010-10-09T19:48:00.002-06:00

Had an upsetting experience this evening. I took my dog out for an evening walk, just down the street a block or so to an empty lot where the dog likes to pee. We had turned around at the corner and were walking back on one side of the street. Approaching on the other side were two teen-aged girls (maybe 13-15 years old) walking three dogs: a golden retriever and a black lab, both on leashes held by the two girls, and a dachshund who wasn't on a leash. As they approached, the younger of the two girls exclaimed at my dog, "Oh, look, a husky!" I was launching into my usual speech ("No, he's a Shiba Inu, like a miniature Akita, they're the most common dog in Japan, blah, blah, blah), when suddenly the retriever ripped her leash from the older girl's hands and came barreling full speed across the street at us. Maerlyn (my dog) has always been protective of me and, several times when loose dogs have approached us, he has placed himself between the other dogs and me (which usually means I have to then drag him behind me and try to put myself between the dogs). Of course he charged to the end of his leash to meet the oncoming dog. I dragged him behind me, trying to put myself between the two dogs to give the girls time to come grab their dog. But the retriever was determined to get to Maerlyn. As we turned in circles, with me yelling at the retriever to stop and back off, she pounced on him, biting the back of his neck (he, meanwhile, was flailing and snarling at her). I managed to pull him out from under her and turn away, to find the other girl sitting in the middle of the street with her arms around the lab, trying to keep him from joining the fray. I have no idea if he had actually pulled loose from her or not. Maerlyn and the dachshund, meanwhile, were snarling at each other. When I turned back to make sure those two didn't get into it, I saw that the older girl had gotten hold of the retriever. Both girls were apologizing profusely as Maerlyn and I walked out of harm's way. About half a block up the street, I stopped to check Maerlyn and make sure he was OK. He was damp on one side of his neck from the retriever's slobber when she grabbed him, but it didn't seem that she had punctured his skin or anything (thank goodness for a super-fuzzy dog). He seemed pretty amped up, energy-wise, but didn't seem any the worse for wear. I, on the other hand, was a complete wreck. I managed to get the two of us up onto our driveway and walking up the sidewalk to the front door before I started to cry. It just scared me so much. I am very protective of my dog, and I felt like I wasn't able to protect him and that he'd escaped injury through luck and not through my actions. I can just picture my big fat pregnant self trying to keep between the two dogs. And of course the realization that I could have been hurt and potentially the baby as well (if I had fallen or something) didn't make it any better. I had my husband check over the dog once we got into the house, to make sure he really was OK. It took me about five minutes of shaky crying before I calmed down. It just made me feel really vulnerable.

Of course, after I calmed down it occurred to me that the excitement and adrenaline of the whole event could have made me go into labor. That doesn't seem to have happened (since it's been a couple hours now and I haven't had any contractions or anything). But it was pretty darned intense, and I'd like to avoid that kind of excitement for a while.

2010-10-04T13:21:00.002-06:00

I have seen my future, and it involves a lot of housework.

I am the world's worst housewife. Pretty much since we moved to Montana, I've had ample time at home, time that I could have been spending making my house a sparkly clean paradise.

But no. I am one of the laziest people I know. Even though there may not be a single worthwhile thing on TV, even though I've watched all our DVDs a thousand times, even though I'm bored out of my mind, I will still sit there, watch TV, watch movies, read books that I've read many times before, rather than get off my butt and do a lick of housework.

Before we moved, I excused myself by considering how much work I had to do that was related to school and coaching, and how tired I was when I got home. Also, we didn't have a dishwasher, we didn't have storage space, and our house was a piece of crap, so I didn't feel that bad about letting the clutter and mess permeate the place. Why take care of it when it wasn't all that great to begin with?

But now, I have no excuses. I have a nice dishwasher, closets and a garage, and no fulltime job. I have plenty of time to spend working on my house, and plenty of places to put things when I put them away. And yet I still sit on the couch all day like a lump.

Now, these last few weeks I've had a little bit of an excuse, since I'm at the end of my pregnancy and having a hard time getting around. But there are still things I could be doing, like putting things in closets and drawers rather than leaving them piled up on countertops. And putting dishes in the dishwasher. And all those sorts of things.

Well, as we've let the house get cluttered up, we've had more to deal with than ever, with all the baby paraphernalia that we are collecting. Clothes, bottles, blankies, toys, furniture...there are piles of baby things everywhere. And now we're struggling to keep up. All the stuff needs to be washed and put away. We're trying to decide where things need to go, and not everything has a home yet. So the house is more cluttered and messy than it has ever been before. Coupled with our basic things, like piled up dishes and mail that needs to be put away, and we've got a disaster of epic proportions.

So, I guess I need to get better at housekeeping IN A HURRY, or we'll never dig ourselves out. I'd hate to misplace the baby in the mess and not be able to find him.

2010-09-20T20:55:00.002-06:00

The amount of motivation one possesses is inversely proportional to the amount of work that needs to be accomplished. I've got a checklist of things I need to do before the baby gets here, and I'm inside of five weeks to my due date. I really need to get on it, but it's so easy to just hang out on the couch and not do anything. I don't know how to motivate myself. But I really have to get going on things, or else I won't have anywhere to put the little spud when he shows up!

2010-08-24T11:33:00.002-06:00

Another school year is starting, and again I don't have a classroom of my own. I'm looking at another year of subbing (of course, punctuated by however long I'm out for the baby), and more online tutoring. Both the subbing and the tutoring are poor substitutes for having my own classroom and my own students. It's disappointing, because I feel unwanted, even though I suspect the reason I did not get the positions for which I interviewed was the pregnancy (or, more specifically, the fact that I would be missing two months out of the first semester--if I were due after Christmas it might have been a completely different story). I've never had trouble getting a teaching job before, and I spent seven years being an important part of a faculty. Now, I feel like an afterthought, a runner-up, and a ghost in the hallways, just another substitute teacher wandering through the school day. It makes me long for my old school, my old classroom, my old students. I just hope I can get through the school year (and make enough money that we don't starve!). *sigh*

2010-08-15T21:59:00.002-06:00

Well, we've been in Montana for a full year now. Time to take stock of "where we are". As far as our goals go, we've done pretty well. My husband really likes his job, which is a huge improvement over what we left. We own our own home now, and we really love it. And we're pregnant and due in October. All of these are good things. Also, we're getting to know the area and the recreational possibilities: we've found good hiking, biking, camping, golfing, and skiing/snowboarding, and Ross has finally hooked up with the local paddling group for a couple trips.

But there are still a few things we don't have. First of all, I don't have a job. I'm subbing, which just isn't very satisfying and doesn't make particularly good money. I'm also tutoring online, which is interesting but just isn't the same as teaching in a classroom. I'm looking at trying to get into indexing, but I don't really know how to go about finding an actual job in the field. Going all summer without my having any income has definitely caused us some problems. We're back in the same financial hole we have found ourselves in so many times before. I had hoped to have a teaching position for the imminent school year, but despite interviewing for three different positions, I don't have anything. We're a little suspicious that perhaps my being pregnant influenced the decision-making process for these positions, but I can't help feeling unwanted. I've never had a problem getting a job before. It really makes me miss my former school.

The other thing we're missing is, well, people. We haven't really made any friends here. When we moved to Memphis, we had an automatic in because my sister-in-law and her husband lived in Memphis, and we did everything with them. Gradually, through work and then through kayaking, we found good friends. Here, we just haven't had those opportunities. It's made me kind of sad; friends in Memphis keep asking if I've had a baby shower, and I haven't been able to admit that I don't have anyone to throw me one.

So we're still working on things. I'm still glad we moved, but there are definitely things, and people, I hate having left behind.

2010-07-16T17:03:00.002-06:00

To fence or not to fence.

Actually, that's not even the question. Of course we will fence; we're about to have a kid who will inevitably want to run around outside at some point, and the five-strand barbed wire fence that separates our yard from the prairie is surely inappropriate at best. Plus, it sure would be nice to have a place to chuck the dog in the early morning hours when he wants to go out and I'm just not ready to give up my warm bed.

But what to fence with? And how to do it? Those are the questions we're dealing with. On one side, we have a neighbor whose yard was fenced before we moved in. They used the most popular fencing material in our neighborhood, white vinyl, easily purchased at Lowe's or Home Depot and relatively inexpensive. Now, our neighbors on the other side are planning to start their own fencing project, and they wish to use stained cedar, which definitely looks a lot classier than the vinyl fencing does. So we're going to be mismatched either way we go.

I see a real benefit to the vinyl fencing. It is inexpensive and low maintenance. It is also probably a little easier to install than the wood fence. But the wood fence really does look nice. So we have a decision to make. At some point. Heck, the little munchkin won't be running around for over a year, so we have time.

The other problem is, how to fence? Ideally, I would like to fence as far forward on both sides of the house as possible, all the way up to the front corners of the house. That would give us maximum yard space, which we really need because our back yard is extremely small. On the "wood" side of the house, that won't be a problem, although the front corner of our house is much farther forward than that of our neighbors' house. It probably means we'd have to add on to the front of their fence to extend it as far forward as we can. But all we have on that side of the house is the side of the garage with the rear garage door, and one single basement egress window. As long as that garage door and the egress window are behind the fence, they are somewhat protected.

The other side, "vinyl", is the problem. Our neighbor on that side lives on a plot that is just the beginning of a cul-de-sac part of our street. This means their plot is at maybe a bit of an angle to ours. Their house sits at an odd angle on the lot, as well, so the side of their house does not run exactly parallel to ours. They fenced from the back corner of their house on that side, and the back corner is not as far forward on the lot as ours is. So if we just came off their post, our fence would run at an angle to get to the back corner of ours. It would look strange. Not to mention that it would do nothing to maximize our meager yard. But if we were to fence forward of their fence, we run into another problem. I suspect that the property line is not what is delineated by where the neighbor has built a decorative wall (part of their lot is a little higher than ours). I think the property line probably veers away a bit from that little wall, some of the grass we mow as "ours" is actually on their property. So how weird is it going to look if we fence along the property line, and will someone be able to fit a mower or weedwhacker in there to take care of the grass?

We'll just have to see. The fence isn't high priority until the spud starts walking. Although I'm sure the dog would like it...

2010-06-02T09:44:00.005-06:00

Our toy-containment system...

2010-05-17T20:04:00.003-06:00

Got to go back to Memphis for the weekend, to attend the graduation of this year's seniors (whom I taught three years ago as freshmen). While we were there, a lot of people asked if we missed Memphis.

There were things ASSOCIATED with Memphis that we did miss. We got to see our kayaking buddies, and we had certainly missed them. We haven't had a chance to go paddling since we moved here, and we haven't met any kayakers yet. Since I'm not going to be able to kayak this season (being pregnant kinda cuts down on the activities one can participate in), so it looks like my husband won't have much opportunity either, since a kayaker shouldn't paddle alone. It isn't just the kayaking itself, but the fellowship associated with it that we really miss. It was great to join the group for one last night, trading stories, laughing, and just generally belonging to something. That is something that we just haven't found here yet.

We also got to visit our former places of employment and chat with our former coworkers. I know my husband, while he certainly does not miss the management and bureaucracy of his company, did really enjoy talking to his friends and commiserating with them about the state of the company these days. Everyone said they were glad that he got out when he did (many of them have been given severance and are just working there on deals with the company to remain for a certain length of time). While he might not have gotten laid off, he might have been asked to move to Florida, where their headquarters are. That was something we didn't want to do.

I was very happy to go visit the school and see my teacher friends and my former students. Everyone was happy to see me, and they all said they missed me. That is something I haven't found yet in Billings. While I've gotten to meet a few teachers in some of the schools in the area (and even went for coffee with one of them), and I've had a few students who now recognize me when I go to a school and seem pleased to see me, I just haven't got a place where I belong yet. I look forward to a chance to have my own classroom with my own stuff, and my own kids, and coworkers than I can get to know. As I stood in the halls of my former school, some students and coworkers walked past me at first, then suddenly realized I was there (there was some squealing from students), because they said it just seemed so normal to see me in the hallways. I really miss that, having a place of employment where I so obviously fit in. I know I will find a place eventually (probably not this coming school year but the next), but that was surely something I have missed.

We also ate at some of our favorite restaurants. We've got good restaurants here in Billings, but we are missing good cheese fries (which we got at Huey's burger place) and really good barbecue (which we got at The BBQ Shop--ribs--and at world-famous Corky's--pulled pork and the best potato salad EVER). Just some regional items that we couldn't expect to find elsewhere.

But as much as we missed our friends/coworkers/paddling buddies and our restaurants, there were an awful lot of things we DIDN'T miss. We got off the plane at midnight on Wednesday, stepped down onto the tarmac, and immediately wilted from the heat and humidity. We endured a couple of wicked nasty thunderstorms with tornado watches associated with them. We have yet to have a weather issue here in Billings that might be associated with potential DEATH. As we drove around Memphis, we witnessed a driver on the interstate cut across five full lanes of traffic rather abruptly with no signaling to reach an offramp. We drove through massive traffic, everywhere we went. We paid *gasp* SALES TAX. We had to lock the doors of the car no matter where we left it (it was a nice Cadillac CTS). There was an evening in Billings we went to a restaurant, and my husband leaned back out the door to make sure he had "honked" the car locks. A guy sitting and waiting in the restaurant laughed and said, "You locked it? Heck, you could leave the keys in it around here!" We left our garage door open accidentally one day, for an entire day, and nothing at all was missing when we returned in the evening. That sort of thing just doesn't happen in the South. Heck, our crappy car was stolen three different times while we lived in Memphis, just in a three-year span of time!

So, while we were very glad to see all our friends, there just wasn't enough in Memphis to keep us there. We were both glad to leave on Sunday morning, and very glad to get home on Sunday afternoon. I hope some of our friends will come visit us soon, because otherwise we probably won't get to see them again for a long time, since I won't be much for traveling and we don't have a lot of reason to return any time soon. Maybe for next year's graduation...

2010-03-23T14:16:00.003-06:00

The neighborhood is starting to come alive, after a long winter. We were the last people to move into the neighborhood last fall. Once winter rolled in, everything stagnated. There were between 10 and 15 houses for sale (either through realtors or through the owners) that sat empty all winter. Likewise, there were two houses that were partially built that sat lonely and somewhat haunted through the cold nights. And there were about 15 empty lots, full of snow, mud, and the occasional tumbleweed.

But finally, the snows have melted, the temperatures have climbed (to the 50's, whoo!), and movement has appeared in the neighborhood. It appears at least three of the houses that were for sale all winter long have been sold and occupied. The two unfinished houses have been completed. Ground has been broken (and in two cases framing has already been completed) on three of the empty lots. And in one area in the neighborhood that has just been a big empty field, underground electrical wiring has been laid and it seems that a road may be paved before too long. Not sure if these will be houses in the field, or perhaps commercial properties (man, if we could get a grocery store up here, that would be awesome), but it is progress, and it is welcome.

2010-02-17T11:51:00.002-06:00

There are many dichotomies into which the human population can be divided. Dog people and cat people, chocolate and vanilla, morning people and sane people. But one division I have come to know very well in my 10 1/2 years of marriage is this: snooze-button people vs. non-snooze-button people.

I am a non-snooze-button person. Not that I have anything really against the idea of the snooze button; I've just never used it. As a kid my alarm clock didn't even have a snooze button. It was one of those old square analog clocks with the extra hand you set on the time you want the alarm to get up. Then you pull the stem on the back of the clock, and when it reaches the time you set, the alarm goes off. To turn it off, just push the stem back in. My alarm clock was also all the way across my bedroom (I didn't want it beside my bed because I could hear the clock humming and it kept me awake)so I had to get up and walk across my room to shut the clock off. By that point, I was fully awake, and there was no sense in resetting the alarm at that point and going back to sleep. When I got older, I got a similar alarm clock, but it did have a snooze button across the top. However, in all the time I owned the clock, I never did use it. In college, I actually got hypnotized as a freshman, and one of the "commands" I was given (according to one of my best friends) was that I would always wake up when my alarm went off. While I can't say for sure it's because of this command, I can say for sure that I have never in my life slept through my alarm. So a snooze button doesn't do me any good. I do wake up right away (sometimes I actually wake up about a minute before the alarm goes off; I think the tone of the clock, even though it is digital, changes and I can hear it). I cannot go back to sleep in the nine minutes in between alarms, so the snooze button really doesn't serve any purpose for me. I would rather sleep soundly until the very last possible minute, and then get up.

My husband is a snooze-button guy. I don't know his personal history with snooze buttons; all I know is he uses it several times each morning, depending on how tired he is. Generally, the snooze button is hit twice each morning; by the third alarm, my husband is awake enough to roll out of bed. If he's really tired, the snooze button might get hit a third time, but he doesn't have a lot of extra time built into his morning, so he can't tarry in bed forever. We've never really discussed his use of the snooze button. I assume, since he is not a morning person and often does not sleep well at night, that he needs a couple of trial alarms before he finally commits to one. He probably just wakes up a little more each time, until he's finally awake enough to start his day. So, he really gets up out of bed about 20-30 minutes after the first alarm goes off.

Despite what you might think, the snooze-button issue has never been a hot-button (ha, see what I did there) topic in our marriage. For most of our marriage, I have been the one who gets up first in the mornings. With two alarm clocks, one on either side of the bed, and both alarm clocks with the capability to set two separate alarm times, we were able to control our own morning destinies. I would get up early, no snooze button needed, and walk the dog, eat breakfast, go to the gym, and head out to work. My husband, on the other hand, would hit the snooze button a few times, then get up and get on his way, quite a bit later than I had. I can't say how many times he would hit snooze, since I wasn't present, but I know that he did.

Now, if I didn't have to work, like in the summers, the snooze button would come into play in my life. But it still wasn't a problem. I would just snuggle up with my husband while he snoozed, before he would have to get up and head out to work. If I was really tired, I would walk the dog and then go back to bed after he left for work. Most of the time, I would just get up at the same time he did and start my day.

Since we have moved, however, the snooze-button has played a larger part in my life. Our second alarm clock is in our guest bedroom. This leaves one alarm clock in our bedroom, and it's on my side of the bed. If I have a subbing gig, I get up about half an hour before my husband's first alarm ever goes off, no snooze used for me. If I don't have to sub, I am now the keeper of the snooze button for my husband. I wake up, and hit the snooze alarm. I still don't fall back to sleep after the initial alarm; I generally just lay there with my eyes closed. When my husband seems a little more awake, usually after the second alarm, I will snuggle up next to him. But often, after the snooze is hit the second time, I'll get up and walk the dog, leaving my husband on the wrong side of the bed from the alarm clock and having to deal with his own snooze. I have no idea how many times he hits the snooze button after I get up; when I come back from the walk he's up and in the shower, typically.

It's this recent snooze-button situation that has made me ponder the snooze button in such detail. I had just never thought about it much before now, but since I'm the keeper of the snooze button, I have this pressure to perform that I've never had before.

Just a random thought for the day. Now I need a nap.

2010-02-02T17:25:00.002-06:00

I recently discovered a really interesting blog, called Radical Parenting. It's basically parenting, from a teenager's perspective. While some posts could be just the ranting and raving of teens, complaining about the unjustness of their lives and their parents, there seem to be some valid points brought up in many of the topics that are discussed.

One of the most interesting ones I read was called "What Kind of Kid Do You Have?". The article discusses the four kinds of kids that exist in this millennial, highly electronic era. I've seen all four of these kinds of kids, and it was really enlightening to hear the teen's perspective on the effects of parenting on their coping skills.

The first type of kid is called "The Teacup", owing to their emotional fragility. These kids were treated as overly delicate by their parents. The parents worried so much about their physical and emotional health and well being that the kids were not allowed to go out and experience the variety of human emotions necessary to development. This is especially true of FAILURE. The parents prevented them from failing, one way or another, so now that the kids are growing into adults they do not have the ability to cope with everyday pressures and problems. The kids can't handle criticism and fall apart easily under even minor adversity. I saw a lot of these kids in the private school environment where I used to work. It was a small school, and special care was taken with many of the kids to ensure the most positive experience possible, in some cases to the detriment of the child. EVERYONE will fail at something in life; if a child is never exposed to failure while growing up, he or she will be completely incapable of coping with failure as an adult. What we're left with is either a person who utterly fears any kind of change or challenge, or worse, a person who completely gives up at life and barricades himself or herself inside (literally or figuratively).

The next kind of kid is "The Toastie". This is because of the "burn out" factor. These are kids who are heavily loaded with activities from a very young age, or who are heavily invested in a particular activity. I saw a lot of "Toasties" when I was coaching swimming. I had some GREAT swimmers, who really could have been successful swimming in college. Instead, they had spent so much time in the pool, and worked so hard, and sacrificed so much of their free time that they could have otherwise been spending with friends or just unwinding, that they quit swimming, in many cases right at the height of their abilities. They had missed out on so many of the fun things that come with just being a kid (unstructured time, self-driven play, just "hanging out") that they felt the need to drop the activity completely in order to preserve their sanity and stability. It's unfortunate to see talented kids get burnt out on a sport or activity that should be fun and enjoyable. While sports are common ground for "Toasties", they can be found in 4H, Boy and Girl Scouts, pretty much any activity. I worry about my nieces becoming "Toasties". They play soccer and basketball, do gymnastics, swim on the local swim team, and participate in church activities. Their days are heavily scheduled, plus they have year-round school. I'm always amazed when I hear their mom and dad outlining their schedules for the week. I was pretty lucky. While my parents encouraged me to participate in activities, I was never pushed to do so. If I didn't like a sport, I didn't have to continue it. I did not do any sports that ran concurrently (so no multi-sport seasons). I had plenty of down time to play with my friends or do what I wanted to do. And as I got older my parents helped me learn to budget my time so I had enough time to participate in the sports and activities I valued most plus still get my schoolwork done. If a kid wants to quit a sport or activity, it should be because he or she genuinely is no longer interested, not because he or she is stressed out, worn out, or burnt out.

The third type of kid is "The Turtle". This kid has never been taught to work for anything, perhaps because the parents sheltered him or her, or perhaps because he or she fell through the cracks and was passed along from one teacher/school to another without ever being held accountable for anything. These kids are allowed to be apathetic and lazy. It could be that, when the kids who need special help and the kids who are exceptionally high performing take up so much of the parents' and teachers' time, "The Turtle" just gets brushed aside as being neither too bad nor too good to merit much attention. Since they've been largely neglected or ignored, or simply left to their own devices because they were "getting by", they've never learned how to push themselves to be more successful. These are kids who will have NO idea what they want to do with their lives when they get out of high school. They may go to college, but they might not finish because they simply have never been given any kind of direction. Some of these kids are downright slackers, intentionally, because they don't care. As long as they can get by, they don't worry about ever actually being successful at anything.

The fourth kind of kid is "The Tyrant". These are the precious little shits I got SO tired of while working in a private school. In almost every case, "The Tyrant" was created by his or her parents. The parents condition the child to believe that he or she is brilliant, fabulous, talented, and just in general better and more important than everyone else. Many of these kids are pretty smart or reasonably talented, but to their parents (and more importantly to themselves) they are they most brilliant and most talented people on the planet. While they will often put a fair amount of effort into an endeavor, they expect a big payoff and massive amounts of attention and acclaim. Even if they aren't successful in something, they expect to still be recognized for the effort they have put into the activity. Many times I had students completely fair an assignment, only to tell me, "But I worked so HARD on this!!!" What these kids (and their parents) don't seem to understand is, NOBODY in the real world gives an "A" for effort. It really doesn't matter how hard you tried at something, if you didn't get it right. That sounds callous and coldhearted, especially from a teacher, but it's true. If you were living in Africa, and you tried really hard to avoid being eaten by a lion, but the lion ate you anyway, does it really matter how hard you tried? No. Now, not everyone is going to be successful at every thing, every time. Look at Thomas Edison. He failed hundreds, probably thousands of times at inventing useful creations. But he was very successful at some of his inventions. There needs to be a balance. It isn't about just putting in the effort; it's about putting in the effort to get it right.

Now, kids are not necessarily going to slide smoothly into just one of these categories. In many cases, kids will have attributes from several of the categories. A kid may be super-sheltered and fear change, but be a tyrant at the things he or she already participates in. A "Toastie" may become so burnt out that he or she just becomes a "Turtle" as a self-preservation instinct.

The big question is, how do you deal with these kids, either as your own or in a classroom? In a classroom, you are definitely limited in how you interact with these kids and what you can do to improve their outlook. When they are your own kids, you definitely need to take a look at your parenting tactics and see how you have caused these attributes and what you can do to fix them before it's too late. Every parent, and teacher, wants to see kids succeed. While there's little that can be done to fix "nature", "nurture" can go a long way to seeing the next generation become powerful, successful, and a lot less annoying.

2010-01-27T16:44:00.002-06:00

I am surprised to find myself disappointed in HBO for messing up a series of books I am not incredibly impressed with anyway. Hmm.

I am talking about the HBO series True Blood, based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. I started reading the books on the recommendation of a close friend, and also on curiosity about a series containing one of my favorite subjects: vampires.

That's not to say that I am vampire-obsessed or anything like that. I'm certainly not, in Harris' terms, a fangbanger. But I've always liked vampires. I love Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles, and one of my favorite movies is The Lost Boys. Vampires have been quite romanticized in popular culture over the years, for whatever reason. Tough and dangerous, yet vulnerable; I think the appeal is that a vampire seems to be the ultimate in bad boy/girl. Girls love the bad boys, right? Especially the ones who have a sensitive side. And guys love the girls who are a little bit naughty. So we have a deluge of vampires in entertainment today.

I have yet to find any vampire stories I like as much as Anne Rice's books. Charlie Huston has been the most entertaining author I've read so far, with his Joe Pitt series, kind of a cross between vampires and crime noir. I also have enjoyed the House of Night books by PC and Kristin Cast. While the stories are definitely aimed at teenagers, specifically teenage girls, there is a depth to the stories and an inclusion of various mythologies and legends that adds a lot more interest to the series. I did read the Twilight books by Stephanie Meyer, although I really wasn't impressed. The stories are VERY "13-year-old-girl-ish", meaning all the cliches about romance, relationships, teenage perceptions, and vampires are all present in abundance. I mean, who else would appreciate that vampires, classically believed to be dangerous blood-sucking fiends, are also *sparkly*? Yikes.

Anyway, I started reading the Sookie Stackhouse books because one of my best friends swears by them as her one naughty little indulgence. The stories are pretty interesting, for the most part. The main character, Sookie, is a telepathic human. She is looked at as a weirdo by the other humans she's around. Being different, she ends up finding herself much more at home around "supes", that is, supernatural beings, such as vampires, Werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, fairies, and demons. There are always some interesting mysteries in each story, involving Sookie, her brother, her friends, and her relationships with the supes. While the subject matter is pretty good, the writing style is pretty vanilla. The big draw, at least for my friend (a single mother), is the sex. Harris throws in some naughty little scenes to appeal to her target audience, probably middle-aged women who need a little naughtiness in their lives. Anyway, there is enough sex in the books to have caught the attention of HBO executives, who are known for providing naughtiness for millions of cable subscribers.

So HBO took the Sookie Stackhouse novels and adapted them into a series called True Blood, named after a brand of synthetic blood the vampires drink in the novels. Anna Paquin (for me eternally Rogue in the X-Men movies) plays Sookie. And I have to say, bless her heart, she just isn't a very good actress. Her Southern accent doesn't impress me, and she spends a lot of time staring round-eyed at the other characters and looking confused. The other actors and actresses who play the other characters aren't much better. And none of them look quite as I had pictured in my head (I hate that). Plus, they made some changes to the original storylines, which I'm sure seemed like a good idea to the HBO people, and probably made filming a little easier, but it bothers me when the events I expect get changed. And most annoying of all, they felt it necessary, as with every HBO series, to ramp up the sex. I really don't need or appreciate graphic sex scenes, but HBO put them in every episode. Meh.

I'll probably finish out the series, or at least the season, mostly because I hate starting a series and not finishing it. But I'm pretty disappointed. At least I have real TV shows like 24 and Heroes to keep my entertained.

2010-01-25T11:35:00.002-06:00

I think I'm a little envious of my sister-in-law's neighborhood.

Not that I would be willing to move to where she lives, mind you. I'm not willing to trade the climate and the crime rate for a place where all the neighbors know each other.

But I am a little jealous. We've been living in our house now for almost three whole months, and I have yet to meet any of our neighbors. Oh, I've seen them, sure. And I've even said hello a few times. But there hasn't been any further contact than that. And it's a little disappointing.

My sister-in-law's neighborhood is interesting. It's a development of two streets and a couple of cul-de-sacs that, while connected to the next development over, seem entirely self-contained. The only traffic in the neighborhood consists of the people who live there, so any interlopers are noted and watched with interest. I know a few things have disappeared from garages that were left open, but for a neighborhood in the suburbs of one of the highest crime rate cities in the US, they really have few problems. Also, it's the kind of neighborhood where the kids can go play in the street without a real danger that they will get hit. Traffic does not pass through the neighborhood, and the locals drive carefully.

Everyone in the neighborhood hangs out together. The guys all go golfing together, the wives all work out together. The kids all play together. During the summer, everyone sits out on their driveways. Some of the neighbors pull out portable firepits and light them up, and then everyone just wanders through the neighborhood from driveway to driveway. In some driveways, you'll find a cooler of beer. In another, you'll find bottles of wine. Some of the houses have pools, and the kids will go from pool to pool and work their way through the neighborhood. In the winter, there's still a party every week, at one house or another. The kids can trick or treat safely and stay in their neighborhood. Everyone has Christmas parties and New Year's parties. It's just kind of a fun place to live.

I have high hopes that when the weather here warms up, I'll see people sitting out in front of their houses in the evenings. I've noticed a few chairs on porches here, so there's good possibility. But I'm just a little disappointed that I haven't met any neighbors yet. Of course, I haven't done much to meet the neighbors, so I guess I am as much to blame as anyone else. Maybe I'll shovel everyone's sidewalk when we have the next snow...

2010-01-14T15:11:00.002-06:00

Why do people believe that being honest and being tactful don't go together? How many times do you hear someone say "I don't mean to be rude, but..." or "I'm not trying to insult you, but..." right before saying something rude, insulting, and just generally offensive, regardless of how true it might be? How does prefacing your insult with an apology lighten or negate the offense?

This came to mind because I was watching a TV show and one of the characters told another that she "wasn't skinny enough to be a Playboy model". When she took offense, he told her that he was just being honest and not trying to insult her or anything. Whether or not the statement was true, the guy in question could have been much more tactful about how he approached the subject. First of all, he could have said nothing at all. That's the most tactful way to handle such a situation--just abstain from responding, or even change the subject. Or, if he just had to respond, he could have said, "You aren't skinny enough...you know, those Playboy models are so scrawny they look dead." You know, present the "truth" in a much more positive light. Instead of being told that she wasn't appealing enough to be in Playboy, the comment would make the Playboy models the unappealing ones.

It just struck me as odd that so many people think that "telling the truth" in a blunt way is the best way to converse with other people. They seem to think that if they ease up on the truth or take a kinder approach, it lessens the truthfulness. I don't understand how being aware of someone's feelings and trying to not hurt them would make the truth somehow less effective. Instead, all it seems to do is make other people less likely to ever ask you for your opinion or for "the truth".

2010-01-11T14:59:00.003-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I've been spending a lot of time getting used to my new city and my new house (and sitting around doing as little as possible).

Anyway, one of the things I've had to get used to is living in winter weather again after eleven years. We've had several significant snowfalls, and I have already learned several things about my new environment: it's much windier here than I had expected, and my neighbors do not shovel their sidewalks. Both of these elements impact my morning doggie walks. When the snow is powdery, it isn't that much trouble for me to walk through it, but for my poor dog, only 16 inches high at the shoulder, 8 inches of snow is a pretty major obstacle. But then, when the wind blows, the snow blows into deeper drifts AND ices over. This creates a new problem. I struggle to trudge through the drifts, and the dog tries to walk over them. That only works if the crust is thick; otherwise, the dog plunges through and has to bound out of the drift. Also, neither of us enjoys having the wind blowing in our faces during our outings. It would be a lot nicer if the neighbors would just shovel the sidewalks. Oh well.

Most of the time, it's just a gentle breeze, but we've had a number of days with +25 mph winds. Guess I need to plant some fast-growing trees in my front yard to create a wind break. And fence the back yard so I don't have to go on so many walks.

2009-10-18T15:50:00.002-06:00

We close on Oct. 27, so just over a week away. Just trying to get the finances in order to have our money together for the closing. This is so exciting!

On the weight loss front, not much to report. Although I've been jogging in the mornings, I haven't been able to get a grip on the eating. But we've decided to really try to eat better. Hopefully this week will show some improvements.

Also, we've purchased another tool to help: the Wii Fit. It's got a balance board that you stand on, and then you follow the directions of the games. There are games for balance, games for aerobics, yoga, you name it. And then there are personal trainer games that you can purchase as well, including games from the Biggest Loser trainers. You create a profile that is stored on the hard drive of the Wii console, and it records your weight (since the balance board can function as a scale), the amount of time you spend playing the games, and its estimate of how many calories you've burned. You can even set up goals for weight loss and you can create your own personalized training program. I spent almost an hour on it this morning, and I didn't even work my way through all the games. It was a little disheartening to have a video game tell me I was obese and "unbalanced" (my core strength, not my state of mind, thank you very much), but at least it is a fun way to get in another workout. If I can run in the mornings, maybe get on my bike when the weather is nice, and spend an hour or so each day playing the Wii Fit, maybe I can finally lose some weight.

We're also looking at other ways to get our exercising back on track. In our new house, we've got a big basement living room. We are thinking about setting it up as a workout room for now. We would like to put another TV down there for the video games and exercise videos, plus an elliptical machine, some dumbbell weights and a bench, and stationary bikes. For the bikes, we want to get the stands that turn your regular bike into a stationary bike by lifting it up off the ground. Both of us have older mountain bikes that we'd like to replace, so we could use the older bikes with new slick tires on the stationary stands and ride new mountain bikes around when the weather is nice.

Of course, much of that is in the future; we don't have the finances to just whip out there and go buy all this stuff. But hopefully it will make our working out more interesting. Also, there's a foundation here in Billings that is trying to get a pool built in the area where we live. That will make the summers nice.

So we're trying. Hopefully this time we'll make some actual progress.

2009-09-22T10:50:00.002-06:00

Time to update. My husband and I put an offer in on a house yesterday. It's a 3 br, 2 ba, 2700 sq ft ranch-style with a basement. Part of the basement is unfinished, giving the house the potential to become a 5 br, 3 ba. It has a pretty small, unfenced yard, which is a bit of a downer, but we can fence it and at least have a place to throw the dog at 5 in the morning when he's fussing and I'm not yet ready for a walk. The original asking price was 237,400. I'm not sure how long it's been on the market (it's only 2 years old but it has been lived in), but the owners had come down to 224,000. We offered 218,000 (and to pay our own closing costs). The owners are supposed to respond by 7 p.m. today, either accepting, rejecting, or countering. We're hoping if they do counter it won't be by a huge amount. Anyway, we're very excited about the possibility of actually owning our own home, as opposed to renting. Now it's just a waiting game.

On the job front, I have gotten a couple calls to sub with one of the school districts in the area. Unfortunately, both of them came on days I had prior appointments set up with the realtor, so I haven't actually subbed yet. I am still waiting for one more letter of recommendation to come in so I can finish off all my teaching applications and get set up to sub at the other school districts.

On the weight loss front, things are at basically the same place they've been for a long time now. I did unpack the scale, and I'm sitting at about 200, as I thought I was. I'm a little disappointed, because I've been trying to jog with the dog every morning, and I'd hoped that might make some improvement. But since I'm home during the day, I'm close to food (so I'm probably nibbling more all day long than I should), and since I'm not teaching, I'm not moving around as much the rest of the day as I normally would. So the jogging probably isn't doing as much good as I'd like. We've opted to not join a gym right now, and we don't own any exercise equipment, so we're kind of struggling to figure out how to work out. We do have our mountain bikes, so hopefully we'll get into a routine of biking around the neighborhood. And once the snow flies, we've got season tickets at a ski resort about an hour away. Maybe when we have our own house, we can get a treadmill and some free weights so we can work out at home.

Well, that's all I've got right now. We're just waiting...

2009-09-01T14:47:00.004-06:00

So, it's been a really long time since my last post. Since then, things were thrown into a bit of chaos, and my world has completely changed.

My husband got a new job, back out West. For YEARS we've wanted to move away from the South, and here was our chance! So we packed everything up and drove across eight states. We stayed for a few weeks at a friend's house, then found an apartment to live in for a few months, until we try to buy a house. I'm currently jobless, as we moved too close to the beginning of the new school year for me to find a full-time position. I have applied as a sub in the local schools, so hopefully I'll have something to do. But it's all kind of a holding pattern right now.

What this means is, it's a whole new ballgame. We're now in a part of the country where it should be easier to be involved in outdoor activities, so we're going to rededicate ourselves to getting healthy and losing weight.

Not sure what my "starting" weight is, as our scale remains packed. But I can assume it's around 200, as it so often is. *sigh*. Same sh*t, different state...

2009-07-10T09:14:00.001-06:00

As nation gains, 'overweight' is relative
By Elizabeth Landau
CNN

(CNN) -- The little number on the tag on a pair of pants that indicates size can mean a lot to a person, and retailers know it.

The probability of people describing themselves as overweight is decreasing, researchers find.

That's why, in recent years, as the American population has become generally more overweight, brands from the luxury names to the mass retail chains have scaled down the size labels on their clothing.

"You may actually be a size 14 and, according to whatever particular store you're in, you come out a size 10," said Natalie Nixon, associate professor of fashion industry management at Philadelphia University. "It's definitely to make the consumer feel good."

Research shows that, when it comes to self-perception, the concept of "overweight" may be relative.

A working paper from a group led by Mary Burke, senior economist at the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston, Massachusetts, suggested that people's perceptions of overweight have shifted, and "normal" is now heavier than it used to be.

Researchers used data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Surveys, nationally representative surveys run by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The first group was surveyed in 1988-1994, and the second was surveyed in 1999-2004. Because there were different people in each survey, it is not possible to tell if the perceptions of individuals shifted over time, the authors said.

Participants were asked whether they consider themselves "underweight," "about right," or "overweight," and reported their body mass index, a measure of the health risks associated with weight.

Are people more complacent, or better educated?

Although the BMI of the general population increased from the earlier survey period to the later one, the probability of people describing themselves as overweight decreased in the later survey, researchers found.

They found that weight misperception tended to decrease among women -- meaning women with normal BMI who were surveyed in 1999-2004 were less likely to say that they're "overweight" than women with normal BMI in 1988-1994, especially among 17 to 19-year-olds. For men, it was about the same.

"For women, this was good news," Burke said. "Women seem to get a more realistic perception of themselves."

Although the study authors said this trend may reflect healthy body image campaigns, physician nutrition specialist Dr. Melina Jampolis, who was not involved in this research, said she doubts that positive messages had this much influence.

Rather, it is the relative increase in weight of the general population that makes people with normal BMI feel more normal, she said.

On the flip side, feeling normal but being overweight may decrease a person's motivation to lose weight, Burke said.

Still, while the BMI scale reflects disease risks associated with being overweight, it does not reflect the whole story of a person's health, experts said.

There have been reports that being somewhat overweight, but not obese, is associated with decreased mortality, such as a 2005 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association that looked at deaths from a variety of causes.

Innovations such as treatments for high cholesterol have lowered the death risks for overweight people, Burke said. Especially for older adults, being slightly overweight may increase bone density, cushioning bones against falls, she said.

But the JAMA paper shows associations, not causes. People should not take this information as an excuse to gain weight, Jampolis said.

There are, however, other reasons that BMI isn't the whole story -- for instance, it does not reflect the distribution of a person's weight, Jampolis said.

"You could have really skinny arms and legs and just carry your weight in the middle, and it could be only 10 pounds, but belly fat, the visceral adiposity, it could very significantly increase your risk of disease," she said.

Experts noted that plumpness has been in style during some historical periods, especially as an indicator of prosperity when food was scarce. But the ideal of controlling one's food isn't new either. The book "Fat History: Bodies and Beauty in the Modern West" by historian Peter Stearns points out that fasting was a religious virtue seen throughout the Middle Ages, and continuing into the Puritan version of Protestantism. Christianity also espoused the idea of restricting food to fight sin.

The artistic and literary movement known as Romanticism, beginning in the late 18th century, stressed "slender, ethereal" ideals, Stearns wrote. The 1830s brought a prominent New York fashion style of a "willowy" look for young women, and there were many reports of anorexia nervosa during this time, the book said. But for older women, plumpness remained fashionable, and women on stage were expected to be voluptuous.

The meaning of the word "diet" came to include the goal of weight loss as early as 1910, Stearns wrote. "Middle-class America began its ongoing battle against body fat" between 1890 and 1910, Stearns wrote. The main factors that contributed to this shift were the advent of fat-control devices, the rise of public conversation about fat, and changes in fashion for both men and women, he wrote.

The culture of beauty that shaped up around the turn of the last century, promoting slimness as beautiful and fatness as ugly, has intensified since then, Stearns wrote.

Despite the widespread notion of dieting, obesity has risen dramatically over the last 20 years in America, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. A recent survey by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust for America's Health found that the percentage of adults classified as obese went up in 23 states in the last year.

As clothing size numbers scale down in an era when bodies are getting more overweight, portion sizes have been increasing, Jampolis said. Photographs of fast food hamburgers from 50 years ago reveal that the serving size back then would seem like a "joke portion," now, she said.

"The same thing has happened with our body sizes. We're perceiving them as totally normal," she said.

As far as vanity sizing, Nixon called it a "temporary fix" that reflects a larger problem of people looking for quick solutions for losing weight, she said.

"It doesn't really deal with the root of the problem," she said. "It's really a lifestyle issue. It's not about a temporary diet, it's not about being pleasantly surprised because you're a size 12 instead of a size 16," she said.

2009-07-09T18:15:00.002-06:00

Why Are Southerners So Fat?
By CLAIRE SUDDATH Thursday, Jul. 09, 2009

People from Mississippi are fat. With an adult obesity rate of 33%, Mississippi has gobbled its way to the "chubbiest state" crown for the fifth year in a row, according to a new joint report by Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. Alabama, West Virginia and Tennessee aren't far behind, with obesity rates over 30%. In fact, eight of the 10 fattest states are in the South. The region famous for its biscuits, barbecue and pecan pies has been struggling with its weight for years — but then again, so has the rest of the country. Wisconsin loves cheese, New Yorkers scarf pizza, and New Englanders have been known to enjoy a crab cake or two. So why is the South so portly?

For one thing, it's poor. Mississippi is not only the fattest state in the nation, but also the poorest, with 21% of its residents living below the poverty line, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Alabama and West Virginia, the second and third fattest states, are tied for fifth poorest. With a poverty rate of 14%, the South is easily the most impoverished region in the country. "When you're poor, you tend to eat more calorie-dense foods because they're cheaper than fruits and vegetables," explains Jeff Levi, executive director of Trust for America. Poor neighborhoods also have fewer grocery stores, even in the rural South. A 2004 study by the University of South Carolina found that most food-shopping options in rural areas fall into the convenience-store category because grocery stores are located too far away. But although poverty puts people at risk for obesity, it doesn't determine their fate. A number of impoverished states — including Montana, Texas and New Mexico — have relatively low levels of obesity. There must be something else.

Maybe it's the culture. Southerners definitely enjoy their fried chicken (not to mention fried steak, fried onions, fried green tomatoes, fried pickles and fried corn bread). Even when their food isn't fried, they like to smother it in gravy. But while nutritionists frequently blame Southerners' large guts on their regional food choices, the accusation is a little unfair. Just as Californians don't actually live on wheat grass and tofu, Southerners don't really sit around eating fried chicken every day. "I've not come across anything that says the diet in the Southeast is worse than the rest of the country," says David Bassett, co-director of the University of Tennessee's Obesity Research Center. "We're definitely in what I like to call the 'Stroke Belt,' " he says, referring to Southeastern states' high percentage of heart disease and hypertension, "but I think that has more to do with Southerners' lack of physical activity rather than the food."

Bassett isn't just talking about neglected gym memberships and people who sit on the couch all day. Physical activity can be something as simple as walking to the bus stop. That's another problem, by the way: the South doesn't have many bus stops. Public transportation is paltry, and for most people, the best way to get around is by car. "You don't really think of riding the train as exercise, but at least you have to walk a few blocks to get to the stop," says Bassett. States like Mississippi and Tennessee also have a surprising lack of sidewalks, discouraging even the most eager pedestrians. Many roads are narrower than those in the North — where streets have wider shoulders to accommodate winter snow — and people who want to bike or jog find themselves uncomfortably close to traffic.

But who wants to exercise when it's 100 degrees outside? The South is really hot and humid. Nobody in Mississippi goes running in the summer — at least, nobody sane. Bassett points out that Colorado, the state with the lowest obesity rate (18.9%), is relatively affluent and has a temperate climate and plenty of trails that lend themselves to outdoor activities.

So there you have it. Southerners have little access to healthy food and limited means with which to purchase it. It's hard for them to exercise outdoors, and even when they do have the opportunity, it's so hot, they don't want to. To combat this affliction, some Southern states have adopted programs to fight rising obesity. In 2003, Arkansas passed a school body mass index–screening program that assesses weight and sends the results home to parents. Tennessee encourages its schools to buy fresh ingredients from local growers. And in 2007, Mississippi adopted nutritional standards for school lunches. Most of these programs are relatively new, so it will be a few years before experts can determine their efficacy. "I think there's reason for optimism," says Barrett. "But it's likely that the Southeast will lag behind the rest of the country for some time to come."

2009-07-06T13:26:00.001-06:00

2009-06-23T13:39:00.004-06:00

I've discussed my affinity for reality TV before. This, however, is why I DON'T like reality TV: I hate what it does to people.

I have been a fan of Jon and Kate Plus 8 for a while now. I started watching it either last summer or the summer before. I thought it was amazing how crazy a household could be with that many kids, all at an age where they are completely dependent on their parents. Yes, Kate was kind of bossy and OCD and Jon gave in to what Kate wanted pretty much all the time, but I figured that was probably the only way they could keep the household from degenerating into complete pandemonium.

As the seasons have passed and the kids have gotten older, the show has changed. Companies started donating things to the family, and there was no longer a struggle to pay for things and keep food on the table. As the money rolled in from successful ratings, the family started taking ridiculously expensive vacations that families that size, and most families regardless of size, could never be able to take. They upgraded the house, the cars, the toys. The show started to showcase many of the brand names that were making all of this possible for Jon and Kate, turning the show into a long commercial rather than showing off the kids and the family's challenges. Through it all, Kate still seemed snarky and Jon still seemed to be a milquetoast, but it no longer seemed to be because of the challenges the family faced, but rather because that was just their personalities.

Then, trouble reared its head. News broke of possible infidelity from Jon. It looked like he may have been dating around on Kate while Kate was out of town. While few people could blame Jon for wanting to get out and get away from his high-pressure family and his bitchy wife, no one could condone his possible cheating on his wonderful kids. Bad news. Then, allegations that perhaps Kate had also been seeing someone else. The shows highlighted a lot of infighting between the two.

Finally, a commercial for the show aired, stating that Jon and Kate had "an announcement". Naturally, many people tuned in to find out what it was, but few were surprised to hear that the couple was separating and divorce proceedings had been initiated. There will be another show to recap some of the highlights of the couple's ten-year marriage, and then the show will go on hiatus for a few months to give the family time to gather itself. The children will apparently remain living in the house, and the parents will come and go based on who has custody at the time. While this is supposed to minimize the strain on the children, it is bound to be awkward and somewhat painful for everyone.

And it remains to be seen: who really wants to keep watching? The joy and amazement over watching the antics of the large family is waning, especially since the younger kids have turned five and are much more self-sufficient than they have been before. With all the donations and all the expensive items the family is able to procure, it's no longer about the day-to-day struggle to make ends meet and not "lose their minds". Instead, viewers will have to see one parent at a time, dealing with the kids. They'll have to witness painful scenes where kids and parent must say goodbye for periods of time. With the divorce rate in the country at about 50%, these are scenes that may be all too familiar to some viewers, and certainly not anything most people want to relive.

It makes me wonder, as my own marriage nears ten years, how things might be different if we already had kids, heaven forbid eight of them. While I certainly don't think our marriage would be in the condition that Jon and Kate's is now, Kate herself said she never thought things would have come to this point.

Sad.

2009-06-14T08:18:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, a joke is so bad, even the creator knows it.

2009-06-12T08:47:00.000-06:00

You know, nothing else really needs to be said.

2009-05-27T12:09:00.001-06:00

You've got to love it. Georgia police officer, across the state line into Tennessee (that's the state line painted in blue in the foreground of the photo), sitting at a drive-thru liquor store window. We scrambled to take a photo before he drove away at a pretty high speed. Wonder if he's going to come after me?

2009-05-26T18:06:00.001-06:00

Nuthin' to report. Last day of work tomorrow before summer break, so starting on Thursday I will be following my new workout and diet routine. That means I only have a day to figure out what that new routine is...

2009-05-10T07:53:00.002-06:00

Just a quick note; nothing really significant to add, but I wanted to get this on the internet so it's recorded for posterity.

I weighed in at 193.4 this morning.

This pretty much proves the theory I've been developing: for me, it's almost all about the food. I didn't work out yesterday, but I did eat much less than I often do on weekends: bowl of cereal, small sandwich for lunch, grapes as a snack, small bowl of pasta for dinner. No in-between snacking (other than the grapes), no desserts, relatively small portions. Despite not working out yesterday, I end up recording my lightest weigh-in of the year.

This is good to know, as I am approaching the "dangerous" time of the year: summer time, when I am home from school and have no real day-to-day schedule. When sitting around at home, I often find myself snacking because I have nothing else to do (or nothing else that I WANT to do), and that is where I get into trouble. While I might consume a regulation number of calories during my actual mealtimes, I probably double those calories each day by snacking.

Obviously I'm not going to reach any of the weight loss goals I had at various points of the year by the deadline I had given myself (originally it was to be down to 160 lbs by the end of school, which is in 12 days; then I revised it to 175 lbs by the same date), so I need to rethink my goals and my deadlines.

Now I'm rescheduling my deadline for the end of the summer--our school year is supposed to start up again the 12th of August. That's just over 13 weeks from now. As for the goals, I guess I'll stick with the most realistic I can devise. While I'd really love to drop some major weight over the summer, I find it more likely that I will drop some weight. I'm going to shoot for a pound each week, for a total loss of 13 lbs. That means, if I'm at 193 right now, I'll be at 180 by the end of the summer. While that is still 20 lbs above what I would ultimately like to weigh, it will be a tremendous improvement over what I am now.

So, that's that. Now, since it's Mother's Day, a message to whatever readers might be out there: Appreciate your mom, treat her well, and hug her every opportunity you can. On this, the third Mother's Day without my mom, I can only sit and remember all the times I didn't do those things, and wish for one more chance.

2009-04-30T18:49:00.003-06:00

I have a disturbing admission to make...

...I may be addicted to Facebook.

This is funny, because years ago I posted some of my opinions about the popular social networking sites (MySpace, Facebook) and their use by my high school students. Back then, in the spring of 2006, it was mostly about MySpace, since that was the network site of choice. The popularity has since shifted to Facebook. Now, I had gotten accounts with both sites, at the time under a different name than my real name, to facilitate the regulation of the students' use of the sites. After a while, some of my former students figured out my identity, so I went ahead and changed to my real name.

At first, I didn't really use either site. I still don't use MySpace much--there's a grand total of one person I keep in touch with using MySpace. But my Facebook usage has EXPLODED. Once a few of my former students identified me, they all requested to be my "friends" on the site. For quite a while, former students comprised my entire "friend" base. Then a few close high school and college friends joined the site. My husband caved in and joined, as did my brother (and eventually my dad!). People I went to college with, and then high school with, and then elementary school with, finally found me.

I now have over 400 "friends" on Facebook. I wouldn't have thought I had that many friends, really. And technically some of them are more acquaintances than friends. But I didn't really think I even KNEW that many people.

Gradually what happened was this: my "friends" would send me little "gifts" using various applications on Facebook. And that's where I started to get into trouble. There are lots of applications that are essentially games where it greatly benefits you to have MORE friends join in. So you send more invitations to OTHER friends to get them involved as well. Some of the applications involve strategy, some involve repetition, and some involve verbal skills or creativity. But all of them take time, and all of them require you to come back time after time to play again and again to improve your standing.

When I would send invitations to people, I would feel guilty about spamming them with unwanted overtures. So then if someone would repay me with an invitation to ANOTHER application, and I would feel guilty enough that I would add that application as well. That just meant one more game or application to visit with each Facebook session.

It's gotten to the point where it takes me at least 15-20 minutes to go through "maintenance mode" on all the games and applications I use, before I can actually get around to communicating with people through chat and messages.

I started to become concerned that I was spending too much time on Facebook. CNN.com did a story on Facebook addiction, and they included some warning signs of obsession: losing sleep over Facebook because you are staying up too late or getting up early to check the site; spending more than a hour a day on Facebook; obsessing about connecting with people, especially old boyfriends or girlfriends; sneaking away from work to check Facebook; and being stressed about the idea of giving up Facebook.

I am happy to say I do not exhibit all of those warning signs. But I must admit, I do check Facebook nightly and each morning, and I do spend more than an hour each day on the site. So I may not actually be addicted, but I am certainly forming a habit.

Well, I've postponed checking Facebook since I got home over a hour ago. Guess I better get on it and get my maintenance done so I can go to bed at a reasonable hour.

2009-04-28T19:02:00.002-06:00

I love this show. If you've never seen it, Mythbusters is all about testing urban legends using science and high explosives. And when I say high explosives, I mean it.

Mythbusters Blow Up A Cement Truck - For more funny movies, click here

That is entertainment. And science. And a really big frickin' explosion. Could it ever get better than that?

2009-04-20T12:08:00.002-06:00

Today is the second anniversary of the death of my mother, from cancer. I'm very thankful that I was there. My mother was going in for surgery to remove more cancer (she'd had another surgery three years before), and she and my dad had downplayed the situation and told me I didn't have to come home for the surgery. Well, I didn't listen to them, and immediately got plane tickets to go home for the weekend. I can't imagine if I hadn't gone home. As horrible as it was to sit in the hospital and hear the doctor tell us my mother was gone, it would have been so much worse to have been at work all day, away from a phone (since I'm a teacher), and have gotten the news that afternoon when school got out. My dad probably would have called my husband, and my husband probably would have come to the school to tell me the news. I just can't imagine how that would have felt, knowing I hadn't seen her one last time. Thank God I went home, and got to hug her, and kiss her, and say good-bye to her as they wheeled her off to surgery.

So please, hug your loved ones and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be your last chance to do so.

2009-04-18T13:27:00.002-06:00

Oh boy, if that isn't the truth.

Played nine holes of golf last evening after work, since the days have gotten longer but not long enough to get in a whole eighteen (at least, not for a crappy golfer like me). I probably need to pick up some lessons again here and there--I've gotten inconsistent with my swing. I'll top it, try to compensate on the next hole by really trying to stay down, and slam my club into the ground a good six inches in front of my ball. Sucks.

Wait, I know what I need: new clubs!!! I'm sure a couple of fairway woods and a hybrid or two will solve all my problems, right?

2009-04-13T18:44:00.002-06:00

Easter is a time of reflection, of renewal. It's a time for things to start over.

So I'm reflecting on the fact that I haven't lost any weight. I realized, with a great deal of demoralization, that this past Friday was day 100 of my 2009 attempt at weight loss. And yet I haven't lost any weight. At all. My weight has fluctuated in a range of approximately 6 lbs, but it won't stay in one place, and it won't stay down.

I guess it's time for the renewal part. I need to rededicate myself to the weight loss goal. I've got about seven weeks until I'm done with work and free for the summer. During the summer I should be able to work out more and all that stuff, but I need to get a head start. If I can buckle down, I might be able to get rid of about 10 lbs by then. That would be great.

So, here's the "start over" part. I looked back at my previous weight loss attempt, back in 2005-2006. From November 2005 to the middle of the summer in 2006 (maybe 9 months?) I lost about 45 lbs. I did it by working out every day. On weekdays, I worked out twice each day, for about an hour each workout, regardless of what time of day it meant I would get home. I also worked out on weekends. On Saturdays and Sundays my husband and I would go to the gym and play racquetball for about an hour. Sometimes we'd hit the elliptical machines before we'd play.

I need to start over. I need to go back to that habit. I need to work out before and after work, every day, regardless of what time I end up getting home. It sucks. I hate it. But I don't think I can lose weight any other way.

2009-04-09T16:25:00.001-06:00

I don't know why I find this funny, but I do. I think it's hilarious.

2009-04-06T18:05:00.004-06:00

I have been successful so far in my shunning of one of my formerly favorite beverage genres: those of the carbonated variety. It's been, well, since whenever I said I would stop drinking diet coke. Anyway, it hasn't stopped my occasional need for caffeine.

I am not traditionally one of those teachers who craves loads of caffeine. One of my close friends, an elementary school teacher, hits her local Starbucks so frequently that she no longer waits in line and places her order. The barristas see her pull into the parking lot and make her regular order. It's waiting for her when she walks up to the counter, she pays, and she leaves. Wow. The woman is so caffeinated that you can feel the air around her vibrating.

I don't hit Starbucks much myself, although I will when I have a gift card (a common grade-grubbing gift from students), since it's not really my money then. I'm constantly amazed that a tree-hugging, free-loving, hippie environment such as Seattle could produce such a corporate juggernaut as Starbucks. I don't feel that I am either a tree-hugging hippie or a suburban assault vehicle-driving soccer mom with a coffee addiction, but Starbucks does taste pretty good.

However, Starbucks is expensive, and I don't currently have a gift card burning a hole in my wallet, so I decided to try the new, inexpensive coffee sensation: the McCafe Mocha.

Looks pretty good. And I'm sure everyone has seen the commercial, making fun of the types of people who are, in McDonald's less-than-high class opinion, likely to drink coffee from and spend time at Starbucks.

So, this morning, as I was rushing to work, I felt I was a little tired, and I figured I'd give the ol' golden arches a chance to win me over with its caffeinated glories. I was handed my cup of McMocha. I flipped up the little lid. I tilted the cup. And I took my first sip.

Yeecchh.

It was bitter, and burnt-tasting, and HORRIBLE. I don't think I've ever consumed anything worse. I waited a few moments, and tried another sip, thinking maybe I was being unfair.

Nope.

I tried maybe six or seven sips, each time shuddering with the awfulness of it all.

Now, it's possible that the failure might not have been the coffee at all, but rather the particular McDonald's that provided it. The McDonald's in our small southern town is slow at best and lame at worst. You know it's bad when you only order two items and they can't manage to put all of them in the bag on the first try. So it is quite likely that this batch of coffee HAD been sitting on the heating element since some time last month. I may take an opportunity to try again at a different McDonald's elsewhere in the region.

But for now, I guess I'll spend more money than I really need to to buy an overpriced caffeinated drink after waiting in line behind a bunch of soccer moms and hippies.

2009-03-29T19:46:00.002-06:00

Considering the fact that Chinese food is my food-heroin (along with Mexican), this picture made perfect sense.

2009-03-26T14:47:00.000-06:00

2009-03-25T12:29:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, something good happens when you really, really need it. On a day when I've been fighting a screaming headache and have not felt any motivation to do anything, I got a little piece of happy dropped into my lap.

I teach at a private school, and alumni are always encouraged to come and visit and see all the fabulous things that are happening at the school (and then, of course, they are asked to cough up a donation or two to pay for such wonderful things). As a consequence, former students are forever dropping by and roaming the hallways. It's always fun to see former students and spend a few moments catching up with them, although I've discovered the ones who come back and visit the most are often the ones we were so glad to be rid of in the first place--the ones I really want to see are usually the ones who are leading such fantastically successful and fun lives that they don't have time to come back and check out the new library.

So I was absolutely overjoyed to see the face that appeared at my door today, conveniently NOT during one of my classes. This former student was a member of the first class I ever taught at this school, automatically earning her a place in my heart. But she was one of the really great kids; I would never play favorites with students currently in my classes, but with a graduate I can safely say she's one of the favorites I've ever taught. I'm sure this girl has said something unpleasant to someone in the course of her life, but I'd be hardpressed to tell you where or when or to whom, because it sure wasn't here. Sweet, hard-working, funny, clever, gorgeous...I'm blessed to have taught a whole group of girls like this. If I have kids, I want one like this.

Kids like this bring out the best in everyone. Teachers try harder when they have students who work hard and do their best; it's sad but true. And other students respond to people like this. A classic example of this came at the end of this student's freshman year. The weekend before exams, this student's house caught fire and burned to the ground. It was an errant lightning strike, and thankfully the family was not home, but they lost many of their possessions, including some of their pets (which breaks your heart anyway). The lightning actually struck this girl's room, so the devastation of her belongings was total. Clothing, school books, everything gone. So this sweet little thing shows up to school on the day before exams in street clothes (private school=uniforms) with no books and informs everyone she plans to take her exams anyway. Who wouldn't bend over backwards for this kid? Her classmates xeroxed their notes and lent her their textbooks so she could study. She took all her tests and did very well on them, just as she would have if her house had not burned down. On the last day of exams, all the freshmen were called into the hallway. The girls all sat along the lockers, and this girl was called forward by the class president and some of her friends. The students explained that they wanted her to have a good summer and not worry about all her belongings and clothes, and then they presented her with gifts. Clothes. Books. CDs. Shoes. Makeup. Everything a teenage girl could ask for. And then they handed her the gift cards. Visa gift cards loaded with money so she could go shopping anywhere she wanted for anything she needed. That's how much her classmates loved and respected her. They wanted to take care of her.

It was the first time I cried, as a teacher. This is what learning's all about. Grammar and math and languages are great, but this girl taught her classmates, and they taught her back, that caring about someone and taking care of someone is the most important thing you'll ever do.

The face of this girl at my door today brought it all back to me. She thanked me for preparing her so well for college (she said she aced her composition class). And she was genuinely happy to see me and to reminisce.

These girls, they're why I teach. They are my happy thoughts, my marbles (remember Hook with Robin Williams, where the one Lost Boy had lost his marbles, which were his happy thoughts?). Without them, I'm not a teacher at all.

2009-03-24T08:46:00.003-06:00

This morning--194.8.

Huh. Maybe there is something to this whole working out thing after all. I am sore as hell, though. I lifted weights yesterday and today in the hopes of toning up the junk in my trunk. Working out is supposed to make you feel better and have more energy, but I'm really tired and really sore. I hope the "feeling better" thing shows up sooner rather than later.

Anyway, I get regular updates from a weight-loss site (is there irony? perhaps). One of the recent ones had to do with weight-loss sabotage. While the article spent quite a bit of time talking about other people sabotaging your weight loss goals for a variety of reasons, there was a segment about sabotaging your own goals. I found that section very interesting because I am so often guilty of it.

1. Setting unrealistic expectations or having impossible goals. While I would love to think that the jeans that fit me when I was a senior in college might someday fit again, I have to accept the fact that my body has actually changed dimensions, regardless of the fat or lack thereof. I have a pair of size 3 board shorts that I used to love, tucked away in my closet as a reminder of my former glory (so to speak). If I hold those up to my body, I can plainly see that my hip bones, not my fat but my BONES, are now wider than the shorts. I will never wear them again, and there is NOTHING that can be done about it. So trying to get down to the size I was in college is both ridiculous and a tremendous waste of time. So is the goal of losing more than a pound or so each week, every week. I have never sustained such a weight loss week after week at any time in my 34 years of life--there is NO way I could expect to lose that kind of weight on a regular basis now. Yes, I may have a week where I drop 3 pounds, but that should be a surprise for which to be thankful, not an occurrence to be expected.

2. Following an overly restrictive diet. I must face the facts that a) I love to eat and B) I need food. I cannot live on 800 calories a day, or even a 1000. I get cranky and easily distracted, and I cease being a productive or even remotely enjoyable person. What I need to focus on is portion control, since I can easily put down 1500 calories in a sitting if I'm at a restaurant, and avoiding the foods that are most destructive, fat- and calorie-wise.

3. Doing too much exercise too soon. Yeah, I know, that's exactly what I'm guilty of yesterday and today. Instead of starting slowly because I haven't really worked out in three weeks, I spent about an hour each morning lifting weights and doing crunches, and now I can barely move. I need to ease into this a little better than I'm doing. Of course, now that I've put in two days, I need to stretch. A lot. Ow.

4. Overbooking. If I would take a little more time to organize myself, and dedicate a little time here and a little time there to the things I need to do, I would have more time here and there to do the other things I need and want, like working out and reading. I also take on more projects and things than I need to. Everyone needs a little "me" time, and that may mean not offering to make a dish for a staff party, but instead picking up something ready-made at the store.

5. Making excuses. A guy I used to work for said, "Excuses are like armpits. Everyone has a couple and they all stink." I am the master excuser. I can justify missing a workout with things like, "Well, I had to do the dishes, so I skipped the workout", or "I'll just go for a run later instead of going to the gym," or "I'll work out twice as hard tomorrow, but I really want to go home and watch that show right now." I need to stop the excuses and make the workouts the only things (well, and work I suppose) that are graven in stone. I MUST WORK OUT. No excuses. I tend to think of my students at times like this. They work so hard to AVOID doing their work. If they'd only put that kind of effort into actually DOING the work, they'd all have really good grades. I should be like that with exercise. Instead of trying to avoid it, I should put the avoidance energy into the gym.

6. Being a slave to the scale. I do this one daily. Every day I weigh myself (in the morning), and then I kick myself all day long if I've gained. But I know as well as anyone that my weight fluctuates quite a bit on a day-to-day basis. So I really should not worry as much about the daily weigh-ins, and start just recording a weekly weigh-in instead. That way I don't depress myself when things don't go as I want them.

So anyway, I'm on track, for now. I'm gonna go stretch now. Ow.

2009-03-23T15:27:00.002-06:00

Weigh-in: 196.4

Today was the first day of...well...whatever it's called when you start over again (for like the 50th time). I dragged my sorry butt out of bed this morning and hit the gym. I will either golf this afternoon (perhaps the driving range, or maybe 9 holes) or I will go back to the gym again. I will repeat this process over and over until I manage to lose some weight, or until the apocalypse, whatever comes first.

The biggest problem I have with the gym in the morning is that it makes me HUNGRY. It must kickstart my metabolism, because then I crave food. All day long. No matter what I eat. So when I work out in the morning it becomes a game of portion control and self-restraint. Otherwise, I'll easily take in enough calories to negate whatever good I did at the gym in the first place.

And I crave steak. Meh.

2009-03-19T15:37:00.002-06:00

Well, I drank my last soda today. Probably. I hope.

I've been drinking diet sodas for quite a long time now, thinking I was being so clever avoiding all those extra calories. But now so much is coming to light about how bad DIET sodas are for you, that it seems we should cut them out of our diets altogether.

Sodas are bad for you in many ways. When you drink a soda, you inhale the carbon dioxide from the bubbles. Carbon dioxide is heavier than air, so it sinks in your lungs and actually takes up valuable space in your lungs. This makes it impossible for you to get as full a breath as you would otherwise be capable of. Many coaches prefer their athletes not drink carbonated beverages, to maximize their air intake.

Also, sodas not only prevent calcium being absorbed by your system but also actually leach calcium from your bones, possibly contributing to osteoporosis.

The acid in sodas eats at the enamel of your teeth, contributing to cavities, and the caramel coloring can stain your teeth.

Caffeine is a diuretic and known addictive stimulant.

Those are just a few of the issues to which sodas contribute. But recent studies of diet sodas suggest there is another problem. Diet sodas were created for those who were concerned with the number of calories they were consuming. The substitution of artificial sweeteners for the already non-nutritious high-fructose corn syrup was supposed to help people lose weight. Instead, some studies show that people who consume large amounts of diet sodas may actually gain weight rather than lose it.

One of the possible reasons could be that the taste of the sweet drink "tricks" the system into thinking that something with calories has been consumed, and the system then starts "looking" for those calories. When no calories are found, it may actually trigger the system into wanting to consume more calories to make up for those that are missing. So one might end up actually eating more calories rather than fewer.

No idea if that's true or not, but it's getting to the point where the diet sodas aren't helping me anyway, so I should probably just drop them. I need to just replace them with water, or iced tea if I really need the caffeine.

I don't know if it will help, but it obviously can't hurt.

2009-03-18T15:15:00.002-06:00

I wish I could be that brave. I also have no idea how to approach that math problem. Good thing I don't teach math.

2009-03-17T11:22:00.001-06:00

Ahh, I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning...

2009-03-16T14:29:00.002-06:00

So.

Back from my kayaking trip, first day back from Spring Break, time for a report.

EPIC FAIL.

On the weight issue, I mentioned my failure last week on the drive to eastern Tennessee. My target weight for last week was 185. My actual weight was almost 200. Despite my protestations, I simply couldn't get my act together. Rarely hit the gym, rarely followed a coherent eating plan, and it certainly showed.

On the "hoping to move" issue, we're still here. At this point, we're glad to at least have jobs, as so many others have lost theirs. It's a bad time to be looking to make a change, so we're still in a bit of a holding pattern. Still looking, but we figure it may take a little while. We don't really want to buy a house here, as it will just tie us down, and while moving into a nicer rental would be great it probably would cost us more each month, thereby cutting into the money we're trying to save. So I guess we'll just stay in our current house and make the best of it.

On the kayaking front, this past weekend was not what I had hoped for. Part of it is my weight--I'm over the maximum weight for my boat, which makes it harder to handle--and part of it is my own mental weirdness, but I've really regressed in my paddling. A few summers ago (aligning with my lightest weight since starting to kayak, interestingly enough) I was feeling good about my abilities and kind of psyching myself up to step up to harder rivers. Since then, I've chickened out on more than a few trips, I've had some swims on some rivers that I had plenty of experience on and hadn't struggled with before, and my eskimo roll seems to have some consistency issues.

So I have a lot to work on. My new goal is to have dealt with and made progress on these issues by the time we get to my summer vacation (last week in May). That's 10 weeks from now. Hopefully I can get this back on track, before I just give up entirely.

2009-03-12T03:58:00.002-06:00

Short post from my iPhone. On the way to our kayaking trip. Disappointed to report utter failure on the weight loss/exercise front. Today was my day of reckoning. My January goal was to have lost about 15 lbs by today and be in some semblance of shape. Nope. Today's weigh-in: 198.6. I never did find a handle on either the exercise routine or the eating habits. Well, it is what it is, as my husband says. I'll just have to do what I can this weekend, and start over when we return. I suppose my new goal will be comparable to my previous one, with my summer break as the deadline. *sigh* I'm getting to old for this s#it.

2009-03-03T19:06:00.001-06:00

Oh, this is so true...I keep saying it, but I keep just right on eating...

2009-02-27T14:42:00.002-06:00

It makes me sad to say goodbye.

Today, The Rocky Mountain News from Colorado produced its final edition. The departure of Rocky, as it was often called, still leaves one publishing paper in Denver--The Denver Post. Many cities are discovering similarly that in the declining economy (and declining use of printed media) there is only room for one major paper in a region. Many of these cities have consolidated their papers. The remaining papers also find themselves cutting back on staff and production, leaving many former employees out of a job and searching for one in a market that simply doesn't exist anymore.

It is sad to see newspapers dying out. First of all, it is a media that provides news and services to a market that is WOEFULLY underserved. What about all the poor people who cannot afford computers and internet? How are they to get their news, find out about jobs, etc.? Second, it provides an opportunity for reading that many people may not find elsewhere. I know I do not like reading information on a computer screen nearly as much as I enjoy it on paper. And what about all those silly things, like the paper mache projects we did when we were kids--where will kids get their paper mache now?

I'm guilty of contributing to the decline of newspapers. When I moved out of the suburban sprawl of Memphis and relocated a few miles south of the border in Mississippi, I did not renew my newspaper subscription. This is not because I prefer the Internet for my news as much as because the Memphis paper isn't a great one anyway. But I do get and have gotten my news from the Internet for a long time now. There is a lot to be said for being able to quickly search through the information for stories that are relevant.

I suppose it is inevitable, to see traditional papers going away and being replaced by websites and instant news updates sent to cell phones, but it is sad to see an institution such as Rocky, only a few months shy of its 150th anniversary, closing its doors forever. Especially since I have a fond connection to the paper--I was born in Denver, and I subscribed to Rocky when I was in college in Wyoming.

So goodbye, old friend, and I guess from now on Coloradans will read all about it in the Post. For how long is anyone's guess.

2009-02-24T14:04:00.001-06:00

It's true; I am a master of the "medium" setting on Guitar Hero.

And just so you know, I didn't do nearly the damage the other night that I thought I did--today's weigh in: 195.8. Whee!

2009-02-21T09:22:00.002-06:00

Sort of shot myself in the foot last night, er, stomach I guess. After my most excellent weigh-in yesterday morning of 195, I went out and celebrated by indulging in a Chinese buffet. Chinese food is probably tied with Mexican food for the most destructive to my weight-loss goal. With Mexican food, it's all the fats and oils (and chips); with Chinese food, it's probably a toss-up between the sheer volume (I mean, it is a buffet for goodness' sake; you're supposed to eat all you can) and the salts that make me retain water. So this morning's weigh-in was 197.2, a much less enjoyable moment than yesterday. Guess it's back to the gym to undo what I've done. *sigh*

2009-02-20T08:46:00.003-06:00

Today's weigh-in: 195.0

Well, holy crap. Still not sure what's finally assisting the success, but I'll take it, whatever it is.

On another topic, I'm going to have to call my dad and thank him for the job he and my mother did raising my brother and me. I'm now realizing what a nice, normal, non-screwed up childhood I had, as I read The Commercial Appeal's coverage of a murder trial in the Memphis area. This girl, Noura Jackson, is on trial for the stabbing death of her mother. This woman was stabbed over 50 times. The reason I've been following this gruesome story is because a bunch of my former students are all mixed up in it. This girl attended the school where I teach, thankfully before my time, but she would have been in the same grade as the first freshman class I taught. By all accounts she was quite the party animal and had numerous discipline problems, so I'm really glad I never had to deal with her. But a bunch of the girls I did teach were her friends, for worse, clearly. And they were all with her in the weeks, days, even hours before and after her mother was killed, so now they are all being called to testify. And it isn't just my girls--it is the older brothers, cousins, and even boyfriends of some of the girls who are being called to the stand. A disturbing lifestyle is unfolding, one of sex, alcohol, pot, cocaine, mushrooms, and prescription drugs. Obviously, a number of my girls are guilty of participating in this lifestyle.

I'm left wondering, what is the difference in my childhood, compared to theirs, that created such a different experience for me? I know there had to be plenty of kids when I was in high school who drank, but I would be hard-pressed to point them out. Since I grew up in Southern California there had to be plenty of skaters and surfers who were stoned all the time, but again, I didn't know many of them and didn't hang around with them. I can only think of one friend who ever got into a "hard" drug, meth, and thankfully that was for a short period of time. Out of my graduating class of about 800 students I know of ONE who was pregnant when we graduated, so if they were all having sex they were awfully quiet about it. And I never did any of that. So why am I so different from these kids now?

Is it the money? My parents didn't have a lot of money, but we got by OK. Maybe these parents give their kids too many things. My parents' policy was, "Well, I didn't have it growing up, so you must not need it." Do parents not say "no" to their kids anymore? Is it the strict religious education? All these kids, boys and girls, all attended Catholic schools at one point. Are the Catholics doing something wrong? I was raised Lutheran, which we always joking said was "Catholic-light: all the ritual, none of the guilt." Is the culture of guiltiness causing these kids to go ahead and make themselves guilty? Is it the single-sex school environment? I do know our girls tend to act like complete fools when they're around boys, because they haven't learned to socialize with them. From an educational perspective it's great, but from a social development perspective I wonder. Is it TV? They all watch Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill and Gossip Girls, which show lifestyles like this all the time. But hey, I watched Beverly Hills: 90210 and the first few seasons of The Real World, but I didn't try to live like that.

I wish I knew what it was so that I could help fix it. And I want to know what mistakes are being made by these parents so that I don't make them someday if I choose to have children.

What a scary, f*&^ed-up world we live in.

2009-02-19T15:37:00.002-06:00

First of all, yes, it WAS a joke. Thank goodness.

Second, I weighed in this morning at 196.8, so far the lightest since I started keeping track again the beginning of January, so Yay me!

But then we come to the purpose of this post. Have you ever been given one of those "left-handed compliments"? You know, a compliment that also seems a bit like a criticism?

I'll give an example. One year, as I was bewailing an approaching birthday, a student of mine asked how old I was going to be. Upon hearing the answer, she exclaimed, "Oh, you aren't that old!" I'm sure she was intending to convey the feeling that my upcoming age was not as old as I was perceiving it to be, but instead I took it to mean "Well, you are old, but not as old as you could be." Sort of a compliment, but also a recognition that I am apparently no spring chicken. Or even summer turkey.

I'm sure today's left-handed compliment was just as innocuous. "You look so cute today!" I did dress up a bit more than usual. Some teachers like to be formal and put-together; I am as much of a slob as I can get away with. My husband often complains that I would wear open-toed shoes every day if I could. He's partly right: I love open-toed shoes, but really if I could do it without getting reprimanded I'd go shoeless every time. Anyway, I usually wear clogs, mules, or comfy tennis shoes most days, with slacks and a slightly dressy t-shirt (by dressy I mean it is one of the little stretch t's they sell at Old Navy or Target, not a true cotton T-shirt promoting a sporting event or something). My hair is almost always in a ponytail because I hate taking the time to dry it and straighten it. I do wear makeup every day; that's probably the one "fashion" item I always wear. But today I straightened my hair, and I wore black slouchy suede boots with black leggings (and turquoise socks, which the girls loved because they matched my earrings of all things) and an oversized cream-colored chenille turtleneck sweater. This is pretty much the height of fashion for me, and as good as it's going to get. So I understand the girls' intentions--I was certainly dressed nicer than usual.

But it really made me feel bad about how I'm dressed every other day. I'm already an oversized clod in a herd of trim, nimble, gracefully-aging former sorority girls with fashion sense and a much better ability to color-coordinate than I've ever had. I never went through a girly stage in my life, so I've always dressed like a tomboy. And now, all the fashions that I find really cute are either "too young" for me (there is nothing sadder than a woman in her mid-thirties trying to dress like a teenager) or are not cut to look appealing on someone over a size 8, which I most certainly am well beyond. One of my coworkers favors close cut trousers and tailored jackets; another is tall and willowy and loves shorter skirts and flouncy tops. And here I am, whale amongst dolphins, and I can't even take a compliment without finding some way for it to hurt my feelings.

So maybe I need to take a little more time in the mornings, picking out my clothes, working on my hair, all that crazy stuff. Or maybe I'll keep getting up at the time I get up, go about my same routine, and hope that big and baggy comes back into fashion.

2009-02-17T14:59:00.004-06:00

I really hope it's a joke.

I spent my whole weekend in Knoxville, shepherding a group of high school girls at the TN High School Swimming and Diving Championships. My girls are generally not a problem, and I've never before come away from a state meet totally frustrated, but this was different.

First, the meet has been in Nashville ever since I started coaching high school. Add an extra three hours to the drive both ways and a time change, and you've got a recipe for tiredness. We had to stay an extra day, because of the length of the drive, so I had to put up with the girls for longer than I have before.

Then we add in the "in town" driving factor. In Nashville, we always stay right by the pool, so we can walk back and forth between the pool and the hotel. There are plenty of restaurants of varying styles and price ranges in the area, so we never have to drive anywhere at all. In Knoxville our hotel was on the opposite side of UT's campus from the sports center, so we couldn't walk to the pool without walking 1.5 miles across very busy streets lugging swim bags. It meant loading the girls up every time we had to go anywhere. Parking was a pain, both on campus for the meet and off campus at restaurants, so we spent a lot of time either dropping off the girls and then looking for a parking space, or wrangling my SUV into very small spaces.

The unfamiliarity with the area was a problem as well. We didn't know what restaurants were available, so it was much harder for the girls to make a decision about where they wanted to eat. They would change their minds several times before finally setting on what was usually the least convenient option.

Thankfully I did have several parents who were helping transport the girls; otherwise I would have had to do a lot of shuttling back and forth.

But probably most frustrating aspect of the trip was the involvement of other teams in our plans. You see, the swimming community in Memphis is very small. There aren't many pools available to host high school teams' practices during the swim season. The major pools already have year-round swimming programs that practice during the times of day that would be the best for everyone else, namely the hours right after school. These year-round programs are nice enough to allow the high school teams to utilize some of their pool space, but it benefits the year-round programs--we must pay them per swimmer, and the high school swimmers must actually JOIN the year-round team for the duration of the season. The times available for the high school swimmers to practice are much less convenient (for example, 7:00-8:30 at night), and many of the swimmers get so tired of the late nights that they join the year-round teams full-time so they can practice earlier in the day, which gets more money to the year-round teams.

The kids all know each other from the year-round swimming programs, so they are competing against teammates during the high school season. When we go to a big meet like the state championships, they wander around the meet looking for the year-round teammates rather than staying with their high school teams. Some of the girls have boyfriends who swim for other schools, so I have to go hunting for the boys' schools when it comes time to get in the water, because my girls are missing. They want to get all their friends on other high school teams together to go do things, like eat or watch movies, rather than stay with their own teammates for the whole weekend. And the year-round coaches don't help--they come to the meets, expect their swimmers to practice and warm-up as a year-round team, and encourage the kids to get together as a year-round team rather than as high school teams. It's incredibly distressing, but there's very little I can do about it. If I complain about too much year-round influence, I stand the possibility of losing my pool space to practice in.

I feel like I've been reduced to the job of chaperone rather than coach. If the year-round coaches want to have so much influence during the high school season, I think THEY should be the ones to go to all the meets, handle all the entries, and chaperone the trip. I did quite a bit to make the girls' trip run smoothly, but when they planned a "fun night" with their year-round buddies, no one told me about it, certainly no one asked me, and they clearly expected me to drive them where they wanted to go (it ended up falling through, but it irked me completely that they would have the nerve to expect such treatment).

I've had run-ins with year-round coaches before, but never has their influence so broadly affected my trip as this year. And the girls' behavior in running around with their friends and acting like divas (one was "dramatically" sick while she had to swim but perked right up when she didn't have to later that evening, and one supposedly dislocated her shoulder while warming down after a race, almost like she needed attention for something) should have been somewhat expected since it's a young state team (two seniors, one sophomore, four freshmen) but was really bothersome and seemed to drag the older girls into it as well.

While I was proud of how the girls swam, I spent the whole weekend really irritated and really tired. This is the first state meet since I started coaching high school (ninth season) that I didn't really have fun. It makes me question how much longer I want to coach a sport.

And then we get to the joke part of this rather long post. Now that the season is over, I sent an e-mail to our AD, asking about getting our stipend for the season. His e-mail response was, "I told the administration that you and [your assistant coach] would forgo your stipend this season."

No "JK!" or "LOL" or anything to indicate he might be kidding. He IS a kidder, somewhat, but usually there is something there to suggest it. I sent him my own "kidding" e-mail, with " :( *sniff* ", hoping to trigger a "No really, here's when you can expect to get paid", but I got nothing at all in return.

He'd better be joking. I give up nights and weekends for this sport, and I live 45 minutes from town which means a really long drive home, often late at night, after meets. I'd BETTER be getting paid for this. If not, it will easily answer my question about how long I want to keep coaching.

2009-02-16T13:26:00.002-06:00

Well, I was completely unprepared for this morning's weigh-in.

197.4

Now, it isn't the weight that is surprising--it does equal my lowest weight since the beginning of the year, but it is certainly within the range of weights that I tend to expect from my whole "eat badly and don't work out" weight-loss plan.

What IS surprising is the fact that I weighed in this light after this past weekend. I was out of town with the team that I coach, and the weekend was full of nothing but eating out and either sitting or standing around the pool, watching athletes exert themselves and burn calories. The only exercise I got was walking a few blocks between the sports center and where I had parked the car. When I ate with the team, it was mostly full of bread, pasta, pizza, and other such high-calorie, high-fat foods. I even ate candy in the car on the drive home. So I fully expected to find myself at over 200 lbs when I weighed myself this morning, possibly even as high as 205.

Now, it is possible that this weigh-in is just really, really dehydrated. I did not drink nearly the water this weekend that I should have. But also it's that TOTM, and I would have thought I would be retaining water. So perhaps I really did better this weekend than I thought. I did at least eat more salad than I typically do.

Anyway, last week I did not get started on the "12 Weeks to Weight Loss" plan from About.com, due to a variety of excuses (funeral to attend, trip to plan, lessons for sub to arrange, all that jazz). So I am going to try starting this thing today. Here's what week one is supposed to look like:

Getting Started: The two things the plan suggested seemed pretty obvious--get a starting weight and get starting measurements. I guess the starting weight then would be today's, 197.4. I'd love to get down to below 150 lbs, which is almost a 50 lb drop. I also took some measurements at what I thought were spots that made sense.
Upper arm (r)-15 inches
Bust-46 inches
Chest-38 inches
Waist-39 inches
Belly-43 inches
Hips-48 inches
Upper thigh (r)-27 inches
Calf (r)-17 inches

While I don't know what the "ideal" measurements are supposed to be, I definitely want to trim these down. The plan suggested remeasuring every four weeks.

Day One: Interval Training (cardio)--after warming up for a few minutes, increase the resistance and speed and hold it for a minute, then decrease for a few minutes, and keep repeating for the duration of the workout. The plan also strongly encourages stretching to increase flexibility.

Day Two: Strength Training--start lifting weights, a full-body program, and also make sure you're doing ab workouts with crunches and such.

Day Three: Endurance (cardio)--after the warmup, you should slightly increase resistance and speed every few minutes throughout the duration of the workout.

Day Four: Strength Training--this is the same workout as Day Two. The plan also talks about Active Rest. Active Rest just means trying to inject a little more activity into your daily routine. It suggests stretching for about five minutes every hour, using part of your lunch period to take a short walk, and doing crunches or push-ups during commercial breaks on TV.

Day Five: Variety (cardio)--the suggestion here is to not do the same cardio machine every time. The plan suggests using a different machine, or doing circuit training, or going outside to walk/jog. This is going to be key for me, because I get really bored at the gym doing the same thing every time.

Day Six: Core Strength--find some new exercises to do to strength back and ab muscles. Use a medicine ball, exercise ball, or resistance band. The food suggestion of the day is also to clean out the pantry of "undesirable" foods, and substitute one "bad" thing you regularly eat with something healthier. The example they give is Coke--if you drink one every day, substitute water instead.

The plan gives you the seventh day off.

Anyway, I still need to lose as much weight as possible before Creek Week in mid-March. I will also be going home to San Diego for a few days at the beginning of that week, so I'd like to look better for that too. Sadly, that's only three weeks from now, so I doubt that I will be able to lose a whole lot. I really need to put some effort into this if I'm going to see any progress at all.

2009-02-07T10:16:00.002-06:00

Some prayers are needed for one of my students and her family. Last night, the father of one of my sophomores was shot and killed in an argument over a parking space. I believe this student has some siblings, but her mother died when she was younger, so she is now an orphan. This is the sickest, most horrifying thing I can imagine. This little girl is very quiet and shy, and I am hard-pressed to identify who her friends in the class might be. I am an adult who has struggled to come to grips with losing a parent, and this child has now lost BOTH. Please keep this little one in your prayers.

2009-02-06T11:40:00.002-06:00

This is one of many reasons I am so unsuccessful in dieting. When I eat out, I eat too much because that's what comes as the meal, and I was taught as a kid to be sure to clean my plate. But when I cook, I should be able to control the portions, right? Wrong.

Today's weigh-in: 199.6. I have made no progress whatsoever. And I'm running out of time...I need to shake some of this weight off before our kayaking trip in the middle of March. I've only got five weeks left. Yikes!

2009-02-01T20:51:00.001-06:00

2009-02-01T20:49:00.001-06:00

2009-02-01T18:43:00.002-06:00

This may be the funniest thing I've ever read in my life, and it is a real letter, really sent to the president of Virgin Airlines. Enjoy.

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this: [see image 3, above].

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on: [see image 5, above].
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel: [see image 6, above].

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations: [see image 7, above].

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to its knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly
XXXX

2009-01-30T15:46:00.002-06:00

Well, my weigh-in this morning was 198.0, which is up a tiny bit from yesterday, but since my arch-nemesis Mexican Food weighed in with me, I guess I did OK. I haven't done particularly well this week at my attempt at the SlimFast diet, but it hasn't been a total loss (er, gain). When I add in exercise, which I haven't done this week, things should go better.

2009-01-29T11:49:00.000-06:00

2009-01-28T11:31:00.002-06:00

Well, today is what we call a mixed bag. Despite the fact that I didn't completely adhere to my diet plan (ended up going to Backyard Burger for dinner and had a gouda-burger and fries, which really isn't recommended), I dropped down to 197.6 this morning in my weigh-in. I have no idea how that happened.

But the downside to the day is the fact that I am at work. We had all hoped hard for a snow day, but we didn't get one. Even worse than that, most of the schools in the area DID get the day off. Our administrator was waiting to see what the other schools did, and by the time the city schools and some of the private schools decided to close, it was close enough to the beginning of the school day that our president decided we had too many students on the way and it was too dangerous to turn them around and send them home. So it's a weird day at school. About two thirds of the students showed up, but others stayed home, either because their parents didn't want them to drive in the snow, or because their parents didn't want to bring them to school in the snow, or because they thought we wouldn't have school today, or because they just laid low and hoped for the best. So the classes are limping along with the students who did come to school today. Plus, all the kids who ARE here are bitching and moaning their way through the day. Doesn't make things very pleasant. I would have rather stayed home myself.

2009-01-27T10:01:00.002-06:00

Haven't posted in a few days because there has been nothing to report. No weight loss, no working out, no eating better. Pretty depressing. The only thing I have hope for this week is a possible winter weather day off tomorrow. Crossing fingers and toes...

I do have one thing that I'm going to try. Since I have been spectacularly unsuccessful at the working out of late, I want to try a diet change. I'm sure this is something I won't be able to do for an extended period of time, but I want to try a minor experiment with the rest of this week. I know I am not going to get much gym time this week. I've already missed yesterday and this morning, and I won't be able to go this afternoon either. There's a potential snow/ice storm for tonight which might make it unlikely that I get to the gym tomorrow too. So this experiment is just about food.

I've planned out a diet that will run me just under 1200 calories per day. The plan looks like this:

Breakfast: small bowl of Cheerios with 1% milk--approximately 200 calories
glass of juice--approximately 140 calories
Snack: large banana--approximately 120 calories
Lunch: SlimFast shake--220 calories
Snack: Special K protein bar--180 calories
Dinner: SlimFast shake--220 calories

That plus the fiber supplement I take in the mornings (about 30 calories) will get me in around 1110 calories or so for the day. It's possible I might sneak in a handful or nuts or something too, but I'm going to try to just go with what's on the list so far.

If I can stick with this for a few days, I should be able to see a pound or so of weight loss, based on the 3500 calories/pound theory (if you burn 3500 calories more than you take in, you'll lose a pound). If I'm consuming approximately 2000 calories on a normal day (which I'm sure is a conservative estimate), then cutting about 800 each day for four days should get me about 3200, which should be almost a pound.

No idea if this is do-able or not. I don't know if I'll be starving to death by the time I get to the afternoon or not. I may have to tweak with this plan a little, but I'm determined to try it out this week.

But I'm already hungry...

2009-01-24T10:14:00.002-06:00

Didn't get around to posting yesterday--busy, busy.

But the good news is, despite a nasty cold that kept me out of the gym and in a NyQuil coma for most of the week, I managed to get back down to 198.0, which means I've erased most of the gain from last week (was down to 197.4 at one point last week).

That means in three full weeks I've lost two pounds. Pretty pathetic. Hopefully the next week will be better--I won't have study hall after school as I have for the past two weeks, so I should be able to get to the gym early enough to beat the evening rush. If I'm going to make any progress, enough to make paddling in March more comfortable, I'll need to really hit it hard this week.

2009-01-22T16:42:00.003-06:00

As far as weigh-ins go, I'm back to 200.0. Which means it has taken me pretty much all week to get back to the point I was at almost three weeks ago. Yay.

Saw an interesting video on CNN today. It's a CNN reporter discussing with a CNN analyst on Rush Limbaugh's anti-Obama sentiments. Apparently they were concerned because Rush said he wants Obama "to fail". They found this appalling.

First of all, I don't know why they would be surprised to find this sentiment coming out of Rush's mouth. Limbaugh advertises himself as the voice of the Republican Right. Naturally, the Republicans were...hoping McCain would win! *gasp* So it stands to reason that they would be hoping Obama would fail. If Obama fails, it shows the Democrats were wrong. That's how this works. Why CNN is so shocked, I dunno.

Second, the CNN reporters were convinced that Rush must be anti-American, because wishing for Obama's failure would be wishing for America's failure. So, none of these guys were wishing for Bush's failure? None of them were pleased to see Bush's policies doing poorly? None of these guys cackled with glee when Bush did something unsuccessful? Because that would make them anti-American too, wouldn't it? You know, since Bush was our President for eight years?

Even Saturday Night Live made fun of the media's obvious Obamania. They did a skit that was a send-up of a debate between Obama and Hillary Clinton, where all the questions towards Obama were things like, "Can I get you anything to drink?" and all the questions towards Hillary were, you know, QUESTIONS. Heck, when even SNL makes fun of it, you know there has to be something to it.

2009-01-21T13:41:00.003-06:00

Well, the new era of change began with a slightly better weigh-in this morning than yesterday, but it still wasn't great. I really have to pick it up the rest of this week. Why is it so hard?

You know, yesterday I contemplated the issue of race with regards to the Presidency. Today I contemplate it for a different reason.

On CNN.com there was an article today about a movie premiering at the Sundance Film Festival. This movie, Prom Night in Mississippi, is about a prom held in 2007 in Charleston, Mississippi. They had proms for years, of course, but this one was different; this was the first prom in the town to ever allow both black and white students to attend. Traditionally the town, only about 2,000 people in size, held TWO proms: one for white students, one for blacks. Last school year was the first time they offered an integrated prom night. They still held a "whites only" prom, but it turns out that the integrated prom was better attended and peaceful, while a fight broke out between two white boys at the whites-only prom.

Why is this of note? First of all, this isn't 40 years ago, or 30, or 20, or even 10. This was just last school year.

And this town, where they still offer a "whites only" prom, is only 66 miles from the town where I live.

Attitudes like that, offering a dance where admission depends on the color of one's skin, is just as stupid as the attitude that someone should vote for a black candidate simply because he's black.

It's great that the United States has elected a black President. But the day when a minority is elected to an office and NO ONE exclaims over it, because no one even notices that person is a minority, THAT'S when I'll believe that things have truly changed.

2009-01-20T16:32:00.004-06:00

Well, it's time for Barack Obama to put up or shut up. All this time the Democrats have been preaching change. Well, they got their administration in; let's see some change.

It isn't that I have anything against Obama. I'm certainly proud of our country and its ability to see past racial and gender lines. But if they think that the world is suddenly going to be a rosy, happy, better place tomorrow...well, I'd hide the guns, because there are going to be some sorely mistaken folks.

I was especially struck by something an NPR correspondent said on the radio this morning while I was driving to work. She was commenting on how early people had shown up on the Mall in DC for the inauguration, and she said, "All these people just want to be a part of an event that changes everything."

This event does not change EVERYTHING. Sadly, it doesn't change much of ANYTHING. People have not automatically stopped hating other people because they are different colors, genders, religions, orientations, or nationalities. People have not stopped judging others on completely ridiculous bases.

Just because an African American man was elected President does not mean every president from now until the end of time will be a minority. I've got news for you, folks; we'll probably have another old white guy in the Oval Office at some point. This does not immediately make it possible for blacks to get better jobs, better housing, or better health care, and it certainly doesn't keep inner-city blacks from shooting each other over the stupidest shit imaginable.

All this does is add a new page to the history books, for a new President. We would've had a new page anyway, regardless of who won.

I am NOT a racist. But I view Obama's election for what it is. Not the event that changes everything, but an event that shows how far we have come as a nation. We still have very, very far to go.

My fear is that people have hyped Obama so much he won't be able to live up to the expectations. The man is not a savior. He will not eradicate the US deficit tomorrow. In fact, he's going to add drastically to it (if he follows the typical Democrat pattern of spend, spend, spend). He will not (CANNOT) end our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan tomorrow. Bringing the troops home prematurely would be a tremendous mistake, and he knows it. That's why he let the military leadership President Bush had established remain in place. He will not immediately restore the world's faith in the US, in either our popularity or our industry.

All he can do is make the best decisions he can. That's the same thing McCain would have done, in the same position.

So, don't hype Obama as the Messiah. Don't expect to wake up tomorrow in a New World Order. Don't have such high expectations that the poor guy won't be able to live up to them. Just sit back, hold tight, expect things to probably get worse before they can get better.

And don't feed me this crap about how our electing a black President is going to "change everything". At this point in our history, racism is far down on the list of our worries.

And I'm not even going to post this morning's weigh-in because it SUCKED. Let's see Obama change THAT.

2009-01-19T19:10:00.002-06:00

Oof. I knew I had it coming. But I was still somewhat taken aback by the scope. Today's weigh-in: 200.6. Ouch. I knew after the fast food and the beer and the four days in a row without working out that the weigh-in would be a gain rather than a loss, but I didn't really foresee a gain of almost two whole pounds. Eek. I know I can work hard this week at cutting down on eating and hit the gym hard, but still. Ouch.

2009-01-18T16:31:00.003-06:00

Today's weigh-in was 198.8. Not the fabulous 197's of a few days ago, but a .2 drop from yesterday, despite TWO fast food meals (chicken fingers from Zaxby's for lunch and a chicken sandwich from Arby's, plus fried potato products from both). Also, I still haven't gone to the gym, instead relying on longer walks of the doggie.

Tomorrow's almost certainly won't go well, although I've done several LONG walks with the dog today (there must be a bug somewhere in the house, because he has been exhibiting his "the bug's gonna get me" behaviors all day). We made a big batch of chili since the weather has been so cool (heck, cold, earlier this week--daily highs were only in the 20's), which I'm sure isn't the best thing I could be eating. Plus, I'm drinking beer while watching football. And last, we made bread in our bread machine, and I ate a big ol' slice (with honey on it, still warm from the bread machine...yum). Needless to say, I've consumed more than my share of calories today.

What I need to do is consider "volumetrics". There's a book, and recipes, and all that jazz, but the main concept is simply to eat foods that have what they call "low calorie density". In other words, they are foods that take up a lot of space, but don't contain as many calories. For example, a fruit parfait with nonfat yogurt and fresh fruit might contain the same amount of calories (and less fat) than a couple of chocolate chip cookies, but the parfait takes up more space in your stomach, helping you feel full. Things like fresh fruits and veggies, skim milk, and water-based stuff like soups have lower calorie densities than starchy stuff like potatoes and rice, breads, meat, sugary snacks, and fats. It's a way of filling your stomach with stuff that won't load up the calories. One of the most basic rules of volumetrics is to drink a full glass (not a "glass", which is 8 oz., but an actual glass of 12 to 20 oz.) of water before every meal. Not only is water good for you, but it takes up space in your stomach, making you feel full sooner.

I need to make sure I have lots of low density, high water foods and fruits available to me to snack on. I still need to be aware of the portions I am eating; even healthy foods can be unhealthy if you overeat them.

2009-01-17T15:17:00.003-06:00

It's been fourteen days, and I'm proud to announce that I've lost...a pound.

*sigh*

The epic weight losses of the middle of this past week evaporated into a steaming pile of fail. I finished out the week without making it back to the gym. I didn't eat particularly well. So I guess the fact there is any loss at all from last week to this week is a good thing.

In looking at information about weight loss, the basic premise is simple. One pound of weight is worth 3,500 calories. When you burn 3,500, you will lose one pound. But here's where it becomes more challenging. That 3,500 calories is BEYOND what your body needs to sustain its own weight. For example, the average person, according to the studies, needs approximately 2,000 calories daily to maintain whatever weight he or she is currently at, and that's for someone who has an average activity level (so not a hardcore gym rat and not a couch potato). In order for that average person to lose a pound of weight, he or she must either reduce the number of calories taken in each day, or increase the amount of calories burned through exercise each day. That means, if I eat about 2,000 calories per day, I need to burn, say, 500 calories a day at the gym. After five days of that, theoretically I should have a weight loss of one pound. I could also keep my activity level the same, but decrease the amount of food I eat so that I eventually earn my one pound loss.

Now, of course, there are all kinds of variables involved in this. It's hard to guarantee that you've consumed EXACTLY a certain number of calories, or that you really burned the number of calories that the treadmill claims you did. That's why the best form of weight loss is to combine a reasonable, low-calorie diet with as much exercise as possible, every day.

Which is why all I've lost, in two whole weeks, is one pound. All it takes is a bit of backsliding, either eating or not working out, to undo all the hard work of previous days.

I've gotta do better than this...

2009-01-16T08:10:00.002-06:00

Well, I knew it was too good to be true. After two days of near-miraculous weigh-ins, karma decided to give me a rap on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. This morning's weigh-in: 198.4. A full pound up from yesterday. Of course, while my magic losses of the past two days were inexplicable, this gain is all too familiar. Both Thursday and today I did not go to the gym. The last workout I had was Wednesday morning, because Wednesday afternoon was spent sitting at home, waiting for an electrician who never came (our circuit breakers for the house are sparking occasionally, a bad sign recognizable by even the most DIY inept people out there, like me). Thursday morning was a no-show due to poor sleep and a big headache. Since this week (and next week) I'm proctoring study hall after school on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, I opted out of yesterday afternoon so I could get home and spend the evening with my husband, with the hope that maybe the electrician might come. Nope. And this morning was a record-breaker as far as chilly is concerned. The Mid-South region is not known for its winters--they are generally in the 30's and 40's with some rain and gloom but little "winter" weather. But last night got down to single digits in some areas, and my car's thermometer read 13* as I drove to work this morning (with my heated seats). Since our house is not insulated AT ALL (moron landlord) it gets quite cold, and a leg stuck out from under the covers at 4 to test the environment found it unsuitable for human life, at which point I pulled it back under the covers and went back to sleep for another hour and a half. With all that non-exercise going on, it isn't surprising that my weight didn't stay down, although I do think a whole pound is a bit harsh. Oh well. So far for the week I'm still down based on last week's debacle. Hopefully I can get back on track this afternoon and this weekend.

2009-01-15T11:32:00.002-06:00

Another inexplicable moment. This morning's weigh-in, after yesterday's impressive 1 1/2 lb drop and a dinner of pizza:

197.4

Can anyone tell me how I dropped two pounds in two days? I'm boggled. I even had pizza for dinner. PIZZA. All I can think of is a Bloom County comic strip from years ago (I searched for it but couldn't find it online). Opus is standing next to a scale and worrying about weighing in. He says something to the effect of, "I probably weigh two pounds more. This is so depressing." Then he weighs in, and exclaims, "Two pounds lighter! Without even trying! How about that!" But then he sits next to the the scale and says, "I probably have cancer. This is so depressing." Not that I think I might have cancer or anything, but it does make me wonder how I could have lost two pounds so quickly. But then again, it's been so long since I really tried to lose weight. Maybe this IS what it's like when you are successful. Having been so unsuccessful for so long, I can't remember...

Another funny note: At the gym the other day, I was trying to get through my morning circuit of weights. I do machines, not because they're better, but because they are faster to set up and I'm on a deadline in the mornings. Anyway, I had three leg machines left to do, but they were being occupied by a group of about six or so older (50's, maybe) men. They were trading off on reps on the machines and rest periods, and rotating the group through the machines. This was a pain, because I'd already done all the other leg machines, and I really didn't want to get started on the cardio portion of my workout without finishing the rest. The men were joking with each other and chatting like they had all the time in the world. I wanted to interrupt and let them know I was waiting on the machines, but I didn't. Again, all I could think of was a Far Side cartoon. It said something about a tough gang of astrophysicists who would take over the telescope and not let anyone else use it. It just seems like such an ironic situation.

2009-01-14T12:56:00.004-06:00

This morning had a serious "huh?" moment. Yesterday was a mixed bag, with a high weigh-in (199.8), a morning at the gym, "real" food at lunch instead of some little diet meal (often I'll eat a Healthy Choice meal of some kind, but this was actually homecooked: a chicken breast covered in cream o'shroom soup and a baked potato), no gym in the afternoon, and a sandwich and mashed potatoes for dinner. So I sort of figured this morning would be all about the Meh. Instead, My weigh-in: 198.2.

What the hell? Not that I mind, of course; any day I can randomly produce a 1 1/2 lb weight loss is great, but...how the hell did that happen?

Perhaps it was my body's reaction to The Biggest Loser last night, guiltily dumping fat. Maybe someone slipped me some ALLI (hope not; it's a good 100 feet to the nearest bathroom).

Anyway, this HAS to be some kind of freaky anomaly. I can't figure out what I could have done to drop that much weight in one day. My life isn't like The Biggest Loser; the kinds of losses they experience weekly on the show (10 lbs, 20 lbs, even 30 lbs) simply don't happy to normal people. This may be the biggest one-day drop that I've ever had, as far as I know.

Wish I could figure out what exactly I did, so I can do it again tomorrow. If I could lose that much each day...in just under a month and a half I could be done. *sigh* Pipe dreams, I know.

2009-01-13T16:47:00.002-06:00

OK, this was too hilarious not to post. In my ever expanding quest to keep myself from expanding, I search high and low for ideas, recipes, and "quick loss" plans. One thing I've seen in the stores all over is this product called ALLI. It touts itself as the only FDA-approved OTC weight loss medication/plan. I haven't tried it, and I hadn't read up on it at all. So I finally decided to look it up and see about it for myself.

Their website looked good, but as I read over the information time and time again I noted that the way ALLI works is to prevent the absorption of up to 25% of the fat you take in daily. The premise is, if you don't absorb fat, your body will use the stuff you've already got. Seems simple enough, but for some reason this seemed to remind me of something. I thought about it for awhile, and then I remembered: a few years back, someone finally chemically created a fake fat. "Olean" or "Olestra", I can't remember off the top of my head which was which. But anyway, it sounded great: a fat that your body couldn't absorb. What a wonderful idea! But then the side effects became known.

Basically, anything your body can't absorb, it eliminates via waste. Essentially, everything you poop out is stuff that didn't get absorbed for one reason or another. Well, if this stuff couldn't be absorbed, it got pooped out. And of course, like all fats and oils, it was GREASY. So you had a lot of people experiencing some very bad potty emergencies when the greasy, oily poop decided it had to come out NOW. I think the term I heard at one point was "anal leakage". I don't care who you are; that's BAD.

So, I suspected ALLI might be the same kind of problem. I looked up "ALLI side effects" on Google and got this wonderfully funny post on a website called The West Virginia Surf Report.

Alli Side Effects In Layman's Terms
by Jeff Kay

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over.

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings.

You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day.

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens.

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce.

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

2009-01-13T15:55:00.002-06:00

Hmmph. I should have expected this morning's weigh-in, with yesterday's epic fail of exercise and food (no gym, Outback Steakhouse for dinner). And yet, if I had expected anything, I should have thought it would have been sooooo much worse.

I weighed in at 199.8. Yes, it was a 1/2 lb increase from yesterday, but after no workout at all on Monday AND a 9 oz sirloin with garlic mashed potatoes, a salad with ranch dressing, and Outback's totally awesome brown bread, it SHOULD have been more like 200.8. So I am actually pretty surprised. But I really do need to be better, both about the eating and the working out.

I can't figure out how people have families and still find time to get to the gym. I look at my own day, and I'm impressed that I make it to the gym when I do. For example, my schedule today:

4:00 a.m. out of bed, get dressed, walk dog, get everything together for the day
4:35 a.m. leave to go to gym
5:00 a.m. workout
6:00 a.m. shower, get dressed
6:30 a.m. drive to work
7:05 a.m. arrive at work (school doesn't start until 8:00, but I get everything ready for the day)
8:00 a.m. school begins
3:15 p.m. school ends
3:20 p.m. study hall (I proctor this three days a week, for two weeks on and then two weeks off)
5:00 p.m. leave school to drive to gym
5:45 p.m. workout
6:30 p.m. drive home
7:00 p.m. dinner, quality time with the hubby, computer, and TV
9:00 p.m. go to bed, get up in seven hours and do it all over again.

Well, "they" say you aren't supposed to eat within three hours of bedtime. So, when in the heck would I eat dinner? I'd have to eat on the go between work and the gym in the evening, which would probably be fast food or something similarly "not a balanced meal". And what if I actually had kids? When would I spend time with them?

I just get frustrated because I don't see how someone can do EVERYTHING that it is recommended one do to stay healthy. How can you eat all the servings you are supposed to eat, without eating 5,000 calories? How do you fit in the number and length of workouts you need to lose weight, when you also have to work and interact with people? I'm beginning to think the only people who can realistically achieve all these things are people who have tons of money, no job, and just work out all day long, and have their meals professionally prepared for them, and ship their kids off with a nanny so they don't have to be bothered with them.

it seems like accomplishing all this is unrealistic. So how do I set realistic goals that will still make me happy?

2009-01-12T19:09:00.002-06:00

Hmm. Today's weigh-in was 199.4. That's up .2 from my nice happy low of yesterday. Bummer, but since we got Domino's oven-baked sandwiches, cheesy bread, and chicken kickers, I guess I should be happy it wasn't more of a gain.

I didn't respond well to the beginning of my week. Instead of hitting the gym this morning, I hit the snooze button (so to speak; I don't really use the snooze. I have an alarm with two settings, so I just set the second alarm). Then, we went out to eat for dinner. I'm sure tomorrow's weigh-in will be less than stellar. Oh well. Guess I have my work cut out for me the rest of this week.

2009-01-11T14:56:00.002-06:00

Well, I actually made a full week! I've worked out every day for seven days, at least once per day. AND I weighed in this morning at 199.2, which is the lowest weight I've had since, well, since I started weighing myself again last weekend. Yay me! Of course, I have a day full of football and food I still have to get through.

Also, I'm a grandma! Well, not exactly. A friend of ours, a kid we had coached back when we were all quite a bit younger, just had a baby on Wednesday. We kind of looked out for her when she was still in high school, and she has always jokingly (semi) referred to us as her parents. So now that she's a mommy, that makes me a grandma! At age 34. Without ever having had kids. What a weird world.

2009-01-10T10:52:00.002-06:00

Weigh-in: 199.6

Not my low of a few days ago, but not the 200 of even yesterday. Very interesting. Of course, weekends are when I find it hardest to behave, food-wise, because I'm home all day with exposure to snacks AND we tend to do silly things like eat out or order pizza on weekends. So, I guess we'll see tomorrow's weigh-in. Cross your fingers...

2009-01-09T21:05:00.002-06:00

Stupid $%&#^&* SciFi channel keeps canceling my shows. Just watched the final episode of Stargate:Atlantis. Not incredibly impressed. Best moment by far was the revelation that the newest member of the Daedalus class ship will be named "the General Hammond" after the late Don S. Davis' recurring character. Got a little choked up at that one. But otherwise the episode was full of "eh" moments. For a final episode it was simply...unremarkable. Apparently they are creating a third piece to the "Stargate" phenomenon, called Stargate: Universe. Perhaps instead of creating new shows that relate to the Stargate story out of pieces that try to be fresh and new but very obviously are patterned on previous characters and situations, and they could just go back to what worked: Jack, Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c. Please?